The thrill of victory.  The agony of defeat.  The unwarranted satisfaction from participating in a completely pointless competition.  That’s why strange sports were invented.  Not to prove manliness or self-worth or, by gosh, intelligence.  No, no.  But to prove that those that suck at real athletic competition can be good at something that doesn’t garner fame, legitimacy or even respect.  Here are strange sports festivals and world championships where an Average Joe can win and still remain an Average Joe…

Summer Redneck Games

You might be a redneck if you consider Jeff Foxworthy remotely funny.  You might also be a redneck if you consider toilet seat throwing (think redneck horseshoes), hubcap hurling and mud pit belly flopping legitimate sports.  Every July since 1996, cars full uh rednecks pack into the Summer Redneck Games in East Dublin, Georgia for a chance at winning duh ultimate prize in sports: a crushed beer can mounted on a plaque.

World Toe Wrestling Championship

Losing to the woman is the least of that man's concern. More humiliating is the pink guy's package dangerously close to his head.

Every July, the strongest toes in the world converge upon the Bentley Brook Inn in Derbyshire, England to compete for the title of World Champion Toe Wrestler.  Clearly superior to “real” wrestling in every way, competitors lock big toes in an official “Toedium” in a battle that requires strength, flexibility and plenty of alcohol.

World Bog Snorkeling Championship

What sounds more appealing: snorkeling in the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean… or snorkeling in a mossy, muddy, stinky bog in the middle of nowhere?  Well, if you’re Conor Murphy, the latter.  Murphy is the reigning two-time World Bog Snorkeling Champion, an annual event that takes place every August in Llanywrtyd Wells, Wales.  Competitors must swim two 60-yard lengths in a bog trench using only flipper power alone — no traditional swimming strokes — a far easier task if you have human-dolphin hybrid feet like Michael Phelps.

Man Versus Horse Marathon

Some horses have been clocked at speeds of almost 60mph.  The fastest humans on earth can only hit speeds of about 28mph.  So how is it possible for a man to defeat a horse in a race?  Endurance.  Every July in Llanywrtyd Wells, Wales, humans compete against horses in the 22-mile Man Versus Horse Marathon.  Surprisingly, the race is closer than you might think.  Horses are good for short races but falter under long distances.  Since the marathon was invented in 1987, the slow-and-steady humans have actually beaten the horses on two occasions.  In 2008, the horse won by only 30 seconds.  I don’t know about you, but if I saw an angry 1,500 pound muscled creature bearing down on me, I’d run my ass off.

Cooper’s Hill Cheese-Rolling And Wake

There is no acceptable reason why a man should compete for cheese naked, especially at the risk of rolling on or accidentally tea-bagging another man.

I love cheese.  I will compete for cheese.  I will stand up to those that are intolerant to lactose and ridicule them.  I will cut the cheese.  I will even willingly accept mild food sickness for discounted or expired cheese.  But I will not risk possible death for cheese.  That doesn’t mean others won’t.  Every year in May, people converge upon Cooper’s Hill to chase a 7-pound wheel of Double Gloucester cheese down a steep hill, sustaining broken bones and concussions, in order to win the cheese.  People must not know that they can buy cheese at their local grocer because the event drew over 15,000 people last year, which is three times capacity.

Shin Kicking World Championship

Even superheroes know where villians dressed as pimps are vulnerable.

There is no greater pain than being kicked in the shins — don’t argue with me ladies who have given birth; I may be a man but I can imagine pain better than you can experience it — and that is why the Shin Kicking World Championship is the manliest athletic competition on the face of the planet.  UFC fighters have nothing on the warriors who endure ravaging blows to the shins at the Cotswold Olimpick Games.  Of the thousands that attend the annual event in Cotswolds, England on the first Friday after Spring Bank Holiday, only a couple dozen souls are brave enough (or drunk enough) to sign up for the competition.

World Pooh Sticks Championship

The competition is less fecal the name suggests.  Drawing it’s origins from a Winnie The Pooh book, this innocent games involves no athleticism of any kind, much like poker or NASCAR.  Competitors drop a stick from the upstream side of a bridge, and the winner is the one whose stick reaches the downstream side first.  The World Pooh Sticks Championship takes place annually in May at Day’s Lock England, and often the winner is less than ten years of age.

Rock Paper Scissors Championships

How can wars be resolved without bloodshed?  Rock Paper Scissors.  In fact, all arguments, conflicts and disagreements should be settled with a best-of-three RPS showdown.  Until world leaders and court systems adopt the RPS system to solve problems, competitors who are brave enough to leave their parent’s basements can cover rocks, cut paper and smash scissors to a $10,000 grand prize at the Rock Paper Scissors Championships in Toronto this winter.  In real life, paper is least capable of causing significant damage the way a stabbing from scissors or a bludgeoning from rocks would; however, within the realm of RPS, paper is a formidable foe.

World Conkers Championships

Do you have the cajones to conquer the conkers world?  Then sign up for the World Conker Championship at New Lodge Fields, England in October.  The game is simple: two players with chestnut tree seeds tied to a string take turns striking their opponent’s conker until one breaks; the survivor is the winner.  Pretty much anyone can get lucky by picking a strong conker and win the tournament… unless you’re allergic to nuts.  Instead of fame and fortune, you’ll get a rash.

World Tin Bath Championship

Future World Tin Bath Champion

I prefer sports where homeless people can prevail.  And tin bath racing is one such sport.  Homeless people can use the tin bath they bathe in to race across the waters of Castletown Harbor on the Isle of Man.  The title of World Tin Bath Champion probably won’t earn the homeless person any food, but they can survive on pride, right?

Sumo Suit Athletics World Championships

Have you ever wanted to be fat?  Really fat?  Like sumo fat?  Of course you have.  But you don’t have to stuff your face full of sushi rolls to look like a sumo wrestler.  Instead, you can be an imposter and emulate what it’s like to be a typical person living in America today.  Participants at the Sumo Suit Athletics World Championships in England don sumo suits and compete in standard Olympic competitions like shot put, high jump, and the 100 meter dash, giving a glimpse at what future Olympics will look like when Costco takes over the world and turns us all into fat balls of Jello-like humanoids.

World Stone Skimming Championship

Throwing stones is an American past time.  So is baseball.  But not everyone can become a big league pitcher.  Those with less talent may not be a stone’s throw away from baseball stardom, but they can still put their throwing arm to good use at the World Stone Skimming Championships on Easdale Island, Scotland in September.  The winner is the person who can skip their stone the furthest distance before it sinks.  In some places (a bar, therapy) that’s just as note-worthy as a World Series Championship.

World Sauna Championships

There is nothing ambiguously homosexual about a bunch of nearly naked men sitting shoulder to shoulder in a hot room.  Not when it’s the World Sauna Championships, which takes place every August in Heinola, Finland.  The winner is the person who can remain in a 230 °F sauna the longest and walk out without assistance.  The idea of being slowly cooked alive doesn’t sound appealing to us, but perhaps it is in a place like Finland where people will do anything to escape the freezing cold… including putting themselves in the gayest looking scenario ever.

Assorted World Throwing Championships

Kilt required to participate in haggis hurling. Underwear optional.

Ever since man realized he had arms he’s wanted to throw things.  It’s likely that cavewomen chose their mates based upon which caveman could throw something the farthest.  The desire to throw and subsequently destroy things that don’t need to be thrown has led to numerous throwing championships.  There’s the Mobile Phone Throwing World Championships in Finland.  The World Boot Throwing Championship in Germany.  The Tuna Tossing World Championships in Australia.  Haggis Hurling World Championships in Scotland.  The World Egg Throwing Championships in England.  The World Custard Pie Throwing Championships, also in England.  And the ever important World Black Pudding Throwing Championships at the Commonwealth Games in Manchester, England.

Wife Carrying World Championship

Once a man is married, he becomes familiar with the feeling of dragging a ball and chain.  The sensation of burden is likely similar to the Estonian-style, where a wife is draped upside-down over the husband’s shoulders.  Of course, no one gets married for love; they get married to compete in the Wife Carrying World Championship held in Sonkajärvi, Finland every July.  The husband who carries his wife fastest across an obstacle track wins a prize that makes marriage more manageable: his wife’s weight in beer.

Have you ever participated in a pointless sports festival?  Are you the world champion in a sport that no one has ever or will ever care about?  If so, do your parents still love you?