The Dutch know how to make some pretty tasty things.  Cheese.  Chocolate.  Beer.  But when it comes to actual meals, they aren’t as proficient.  Here’s what to eat in the Netherlands…

Before we list the very limited selection of meals available in the Netherlands, we’ll admit that we didn’t eat any regional cuisine (besides desserts) when we visited Amsterdam.  There weren’t that many restaurants serving Dutch cuisine to begin with.  As a result, we ate at an Indian place, a Thai place and an Italian place… and sadly, those weren’t very good.

Breakfast

A typical Dutch breakfast is loaded with carbs.  Fresh bread is served with a myriad of toppings: butter, jam, cheese, and even chocolate sprinkles (called hagelslag).  There’s also ontbijtkoek, a cake containing clove, ginger and cinnamon.

Lunch And Dinner

Stammpot is an inexpensive and dense dish comprised of boiled potatoes mashed with vegetables, the most popular being kale, endive or sauerkraut.  It’s usually accompanied by a fried speck, a type of bacon similar to prosciutto, or rookworst, which translates to “smoked sausage” even though it’s not actually smoked.

Boerenkoolstamppot, a variety of the stammpot, is kale mixed with potatoes, gravy, mustard and rookworst.

Hutspot is particularly bland dish of boiled and mashed potatoes, carrots and onions.  It’s typically accompanied by a smoked or cured meat like bacon or sausage.

Hete bliksem, which means Hot Lightning, is boiled potatoes mixed with green apples and diced speck, served with syrup.

Slavink is one of the few popular meat dishes.  Take a mixture of ground meat and pork, wrap it in bacon, pan fry it in butter, and you’ve met all your daily requirements of fat, cholesterol and sodium in one dish.

Balkenbrij is a meatloaf of pork liver and other left over parts of the animal mixed with oatmeal and seasonings, served with gravy.

Vegetable stews are prominent in Holland and can either be served for meal or as a side dish.  Popular soups include red cabbage with apples, red beets, and the most popular, snert, a thick pea soup that includes pork or sausage.

Frikandel is a deep fried minced-meat sausage that’s served at lunch with French fries (called patat frites).  Other fried lunch goodies are kroket, a croquette of meat covered in breadcrumbs, and bitterbal, a deep-fried meatball served with mustard and mayonnaise.

Zoute haring is raw, salted herring, often eaten with chopped onions and gherkin (pickle).

Uitsmijter is a sandwich made with bread and cheese topped with a fried egg.

Dessert

The most popular dessert in Holland is vla, a milk custard that is often flavored with vanilla, chocolate, nuts or fruits.  Hopjes-vla is an alternative flavored with coffee and caramel, and bitterkoekjes-vla is custard mixed with almond biscuits.

A more elaborate version is the vlaflip, which are layers of custard, yogurt and syrup.

This is not to be confused with vlaai, which is a fruit pie.

Poffertjes are freshly baked mini-pancakes covered in melted butter and icing.

Zoute drop is an unusual sweet and savory combination: licorice covered in salt.

Broodpap, or bread pudding, is another popular dessert, as is appelflappen (apple fritters) and ontbijtkoek (ginger bread).

You can never go wrong with a stroopwafel, which basically translates to waffle and syrup.  The syrup, a mixture of brown sugar, butter and cinnamon, is tucked between two halves of the waffle, creating a dessert sandwich.

Even though Jackie and I passed Cannabis College, we should have had our diplomas revoked.  After arriving at the Dampkring coffee shop, one thing became very apparent:  We didn’t know what the heck we were doing.

After convincing Jackie to go buy the stuff at the counter (it wasn’t that I was intimidated, I just had to, uh, save our seats.  Yeah, that’s it…), we had to light the darn things.

First, I couldn’t get the lighter to work.  I knew how it worked, I just couldn’t make it work.  That’s what a novice I am.  I had to have Jackie light my joint for me.  Second, I forgot to inhale on my first puff.  I sucked but I didn’t inhale.  (That statement fits in more contexts than it should.)

Finally, after 20-something years of curiosity, I finally inhaled my first puff of marijuana.  It was bitter and earthy and it made me feel like I was breathing humid summer air; my lungs felt warm and congested like the onset of a cold.  The taste was like when you go to the supermarket and you can practically taste the smell of the herbs hanging in the air — except this was more pungent and fiery.

The experience was everything I thought it would be.  Music sounded louder and better.  I was light headed.  My reaction time was about five minutes too slow.  Things that are never funny were suddenly funny.  We talked about things that should never be talked about in a normal conversation — like male mermaids.

And we really enjoyed watching a woman engage in a staring contest with the Dampkring’s resident cat.  Neither of them blinked for at least 5 minutes.  Their eyes locked in an intense stare.  But it wasn’t a competition.  It was like they were talking to each other… telepathically… like the understood each other on a cosmic level and…

This is what the cat's vision must be like.

Sorry, it was like I was there, man.  Anyway, weed wasn’t as glamorous as those expressionless, red-eyed stoners flopped on the couch at parties made it seem.  But I’m glad I tried it.  Even more so because I tried it on a day when we didn’t have much planned — there was no way I’d be able to comprehend what was going on.

Besides, after our visit to the coffee shop, all we had on our minds was food.  So we went to a waffle stand AND a pastry stand, and stacked up on sweets like we were preparing for a natural disaster.  I don’t remember eating it, but it must have been good because it was gone in a few bites.

You never know where you'll wind up after smoking a few joints. Perhaps a giant clog.

I’ll never forget waking up in the middle of the night to see Jackie licking chocolate residue off of a waffle tray, perhaps hoping the waffle would somehow magically regenerate.

Visiting a coffee shop in Amsterdam isn’t for everyone.  But if you’re bored with the canals, the clogs and the tulips, it can be another way to experience the culture of Amsterdam.  Here’s a taste of the coffee shop culture in Amsterdam…

Is Weed Legal in Amsterdam?

This information might come in handy if you’re ever on a episode of “Jeopardy,” but contrary to popular belief weed and hash is NOT legal in Amsterdam.  Coffee shops are technically illegal and possession is a misdemeanor.

But there’s a policy of tolerance in place and coffee shops are widely accepted by both the government and the public.  You won’t get busted for weed as long as you aren’t disturbing the peace and you don’t carry more than 5 grams at a time.  The policy on smoking outdoors in public is iffy, so it’s best to stay inside a coffee shop.

As of 2008, psychedelic mushrooms and space cakes have been banned, though apparently there’s a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that allows some shops to continue to sell as long as they keep it on the down low.

Up until our visit to Amsterdam, I had never done a drug in my life.  The closest I had ever been to getting high was under the influence of laughing gas at the dentist.  I didn’t even know what weed smelled like until I went to an Eminem concert.  I had always been curious, but I was too paranoid about trying it; the mental picture of cops with machine guns crashing through the window as soon as a joint touched my lips was enough to render me a wallflower at many a party.

But now that we were in a country where I didn’t have to fear jail time, I knew I had do it.  The problem was, I had no clue how to do it.  So we went to a place with all the answers… Cannabis College.

Our professor was a barely legal girl that had problems maintaining eye contact.  She told us about the history of marijuana use, how it’s made, its medicinal value and how to smoke it properly.  She handed us a map listing all 200-something coffee shops in Amsterdam (the number is always changing based on new laws) and we went on our way.

What To Expect Inside A Coffee Shop

Notice the conveniently placed French fry stand next door. They must make a fortune off stoners with the munchies.

For our first time smoking weed, we settled on Dampkring, one of Amsterdam’s most popular coffee shops thanks to its appearance in “Ocean’s Twelve.”  Despite its great reputation, I was still nervous; I kept thinking we’d open the door and walk into dorm room at Arizona State University, the walls covered with trippy images and peace signs, Bob Marley blasting through the speakers, people with dreadlocks yammering on about how they make their own clothes out of hemp.

But it was nothing like that.  You’d think it was like your neighborhood coffee shop… if it didn’t reek of weed.  It was relaxing, people spoke softly, alternative music played in the background, and people read books and played chess.

And it wasn’t just young people.  There was a group of middle aged tourists and even a few businessmen.  We quickly realized that is a part of general life in Amsterdam.  Instead of Happy Hour at T.G.I. Friday’s, workers congregate here after quitting time.  They smoke out and relax.  They don’t get drunk and rowdy.  In fact, getting drunk is looked down upon in Amsterdam — it’s more dangerous and more obnoxious than weed, which is why it’s less tolerated.  Coffee shops usually sell coffee, tea, and some soft drinks, but never alcohol.

The weed menu looked like a food menu; there were tons of options — different flavors, different potency, different effects.  The guy at the counter was very nice and helpful.  If you don’t know what you’re doing, they’ll recommend something for you, so you don’t accidentally end up buying the strongest stuff they sell.

With the new anti-smoking laws you can’t smoke tobacco in a coffee shop, but most places offer some sort of mixed herb thing if you prefer not to smoke a pure joint. Most people bring their own papers and wrap their own joints, but we went the newbie route and bought two joints that were pre-rolled for about €5.  Read about our experience here.

Finally, if you do end up visiting a coffee shop while in Amsterdam, don’t go walking around the city stoned out of your mind.  It’s not polite to Amsterdammers, and of course there’s the risk of pickpockets, getting lost or getting hit by a tram.

The flag for the city of Amsterdam is like an advertisement for debauchery — bold red bars sandwiching a black bar with three “X’s.”  And that XXX debauchery is best on display in Amsterdam’s infamous Red Light District.

Amsterdam actually has three red light districts, but the largest and most popular is in De Wallen, near Centraal Station.  The main drag stretches for a few blocks down a canal lined street with hundreds of red windows that branch off into various dark, thin alleys.  (Why the red light?  It makes skin look younger and smoother.)

Perusing the red light district is like window shopping… except the mannequins are alive and they wear tacky bikinis and lingerie.  The girls advertise their services in the windows by dancing seductively, winking at you to lure you in, and tapping on the glass to get your attention.  One girl was giving herself a very thorough breast examination in the window and she had an intensely serious look on her face that concerned me.  Other girls went for the passive route, sitting there with a morose frown, smoking a cigarette, making no effort whatsoever.

Each building looked like an open box of chocolate with red-cubed trays displaying a different alluring treat, perhaps a young, chubby brunette or a tall, busty blonde.  There was even a bank of windows that belonged to a group of large black women catering to the BBW crowd.  Oddly enough, this section was smack dab in front of the district’s most unusual feature: an old church… called the Old Church (or Oudekerk in Dutch, it dates to the 14th century).

We often saw younger men talking with the women behind the glass, negotiating a price as if it were a garage sale — anywhere from €40 to €200 for 15 to 20 minutes is standard — but we didn’t see anyone go in or come out of a room.  However, there were quite a few windows with the red light turned off and the curtain shut.

So what was it like seeing all that?  Honestly, it wasn’t that weird.  Now this is coming from two people who live in Southern California, where tiny skirts, fake breasts and midriffs are on display every day.  Walking the beaches, perusing the malls or going to a nightclub is like being in a red light district — the girls advertise in a similar fashion, except the intention is not as blatant.

For conservative people with old-fashioned values, however, Amsterdam’s Red Light District must seem like a gateway to a neon-red hell.  Only a thin layer of lingerie stands between you and your imagination.

Over the past couple of years the area has shrunk dramatically.  In 2007, some brothels closed down due to suspected criminal activity.  And in 2008, the government shut down prostitution in even more buildings to make lofts for young designers.

So it’s best to see the Red Light District before it becomes a relic of the past.  The area is most crowded at night when the women work the windows and curious tourists pack the paths along the canal.  It’s generally considered a safe place, but you have to be cautious of pickpockets, shady drug-dealers and pimps (sex workers are unionized and pimps are forbidden).  Photography is strictly prohibited, so don’t plan on taking home any free souvenirs.

As strange as it sounds, the Red Light District isn’t as seedy as you might think.  It’s actually surprisingly clean (though I insisted on carrying a bottle of Purell with me anyway), and it’s not uncommon to see families with children walking through the area (heck, they probably see worse on MTV anyway).  The area may be defined by a long history of prostitution, but it’s characterized by its liveliness, great architecture and picturesque views of the canal.

So leave your inhibitions at the hotel, come with an open mind and don’t be embarrassed.  There are thousands of people just as curious, and you’re not doing anything wrong by examining a different culture with a different set of values.  The Red Light District is a great place to understand and appreciate the tolerant, laid back lifestyle of Amsterdam.

This may come as a shock to you, but there’s more to do in Amsterdam besides prostitutes and weed.  Behind the neon blaze of the Red Light District and the haze of smoke from the ubiquitous coffee shops, there’s a refined city that attracts 4.2 million visitors to its historical monuments, museums and architecture every year.  Here’s a list of things to do in Amsterdam…

Anne Frank House

We all had to read the harrowing story of Anne Frank in school.  She was the 15-year-old girl who hid from the Nazis with her family and another family in a secret chamber in a building in Amsterdam.  Today, you can visit the hiding place she documented in her diary, as well as read stories and review artifacts from other Jews who were captured by the Nazis during World War II (of the 107,000 Jews abducted and shipped to concentration camps, only 5,000 survived).  The museum also features exhibitions highlighting various forms of persecution and injustice, some of which still exists today.  It’s best to buy your tickets online so you don’t have to wait in line for hours.

The Resistance Museum

Continuing with the theme of depressing history, the Verzetsmuseum is an exhibition that recreates the everyday life of the citizens of Amsterdam during the Holocaust and the uprising against Nazi occupation.

Van Gogh Museum

The Vincent Van Gogh Museum chronicles the life and work of the mentally unstable German artist who spent some time living in Holland perfecting his expressionist style before he committed suicide in France at the age of 37.  The museum houses over 200 paintings and 600 drawings, the largest collection of Van Gogh’s work in the world (noticeably absent is his severed ear).

Rijksmuseum

The Dutch National Museum features an extensive collection of artwork from Dutch artists such as Rembrandt (his most famous work on display is “The Night Watch”) and Vermeer, as well as craftwork and artifacts from Dutch history.  The museum is housed in the largest and most elaborate building in Museumplein, a museum square that also features the Van Gogh Museum, the Stedelijk Museum (a modern art museum), the Diamond Museum (an exhibition of diamond jewelry), and the Concertgebouw (regarded as one of the finest concert halls in the world).

Heineken Experience

This is basically one long advertisement for Heineken, but if you love beer, you’ll probably love the Heineken Experience.  The tour charts the history of the company and walks you through the brewery, and, yes, you get to drink a few samples along the way.  There’s also an interactive exhibit that gives you the perspective of actually being brewed (you feel heat and get sprayed with water and bubbles) as well as a couple of rooms designed like nightclubs, including the elaborate World Bar, which features panoramic views of major cities around the world on giant video screens.

Rembrandt House

From 1639 to 1658, Rembrandt lived and worked in this 4-story house in Amsterdam.  But don’t expect to see a huge collection of works on display here; instead, this is a place to learn about him.  The Rembrandt House is a recreation of what Rembrandt’s house used to look like before he went bankrupt.  It also features a step-by-step demonstration on how to create etchings and paintings.

Jordaan

This kitschy neighborhood in the center of Amsterdam is packed with art galleries, specialty shops, designer clothing stores and unique restaurants in buildings that surround inner courtyards.  Jordaan is also home to the Noordermarkt, a square that features a popular market every Monday and a farmer’s market every Saturday.

Vondelpark

Amsterdam is already a relaxed city, but Vondelpark takes relaxation to a hedonistic level.  It’s got everything you’d expect from a 120-acre park: trees, hills, ponds, benches, plenty of places to picnic.  It also contains the Netherlands Film Museum, a free open air theater, several bars and restaurants, and even a few noteworthy statues, including one by Picasso called “The Fish.”  But what characterizes this park as uniquely Amsterdam is the open use of drugs and people having sex in the park.  Although sexual activity is discouraged, it still takes place in the not-so-secluded bushes.  But, hey, at least the wafting marijuana smoke will make your picnic lunch taste better.

Bloemenmarkt

Located on the Singel canal, the Bloemenmarkt is the world’s only floating flower market.  There are 15 shops that sell souvenirs as well as seeds and bulbs of every kind of flower imaginable, most notably Holland’s world famous tulips (you can also find cannabis).  But check your country’s regulations before bringing home any bulbs; most countries don’t allow agricultural imports (and don’t even think about trying to sneak cannabis home).

Dam Square

The hub of central Amsterdam is the popular Dam Square.  The square is enveloped by great sights such as the Royal Palace (a 17th-century neoclassical marvel that used to be a town hall and now serves as an event center for the Dutch Royal Family), the National Monument (a memorial to the victims of WWII), and the Nieuwe Kerk (a 15th-century Gothic church that frequently hosts exhibitions and organ recitals).

There’s also the overpriced and overrated Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum and the upscale department store De Bijenkork (meaning “The Beehive”).

Canal Cruise

The canals of Amsterdam are best appreciated by boat and there are tons of companies that will take you on a tour of Amsterdam from the water.  Amsterdam is a small city that’s easy to navigate, but it’s still best to take a canal cruise early in your trip to understand the city’s landscape and individual neighborhoods, and to gain an appreciation for the intuitive city planning and well-preserved architecture.  Choose a company here.

Kalverstraat

This is the most popular shopping street in Amsterdam.  Kalverstraat is a long, winding, well-trafficked street lined with brand name stores and boutiques (don’t be surprised if you see the same store twice).  It’s also home to the Amsterdam History Museum.

If you have time, check out Amsterdam’s other interesting sights, such as the ING House (the headquarters of the ING Group is stationed in a giant structure that looks like a floating, futuristic shoe), the Jewish Historical Museum (the entrance fee also includes a free audio tour), the Museum of Bags and Purses, and the NEMO science center (located directly next to the Netherlands Maritime Museum).

You can also sample one of 200 varieties of beer in Cafe Gollem, shed your inhibitions in the highly rated Sauna Deco, pay homage to our feline friends at a cat museum called KattenKabinet or dance the night away in one of Amsterdam’s largest and most popular nightclubs, Escape.