Without a doubt the most famous place on our list of 69 Towns And Cities With Funny Dirty Names is Fucking, Austria.

Apparently it took a long time for the residents of Fucking to realize that their town name was hilarious because every time the town sign was stolen, they would install a new one… and it would be gone within a week.

Eventually the Fucking townspeople wised up and cemented the sign to the pole so it couldn’t be stolen.

Well, another town with a funny name in Europe was suffering the same dilemma until recently:  Shitterton.

The people of Shitterton, England were getting so fed up with the town sign being stolen that they decided to carve the name of the town into a massive stone.

Here’s how the chairman of the parish council came to the conclusion: “We thought, “Let’s put in a ton and a half stone and see them try and take that away in the back of a Ford Fiesta’.”  Because apparently thieves only drive Ford Fiestas?  That’s an impractical storage vehicle and getaway car.  What’s the top speed, like 35?  Besides, the Shitterton sign was probably bigger than that entire car.

Racing stripes won't make that POS go any faster or look any cooler.

Now, I don’t have a bucket list, but if I did, one of my life goals would be to steal the sign of a town with a sexual name.

Have you, or would you ever, jack a town sign and install it in your man cave?

The 2012 Summer Olympic mascots were unveiled today… and I immediately wanted to revise our list of The 10 Worst Olympic Mascots ever.  These cycloptic creatures are instant top five turds.

I’m not sure how crab hands (right) or alien overlord (left) represent London or athletic competition.  These monsters, named Wenlock and Mandeville, have too much junk in the trunk to be capable of competing in any kind of sport to begin with.

Perhaps their freakish appearance and desire to conquer our planet will motivate athletes to run faster and jump higher in order to escape the alien mascot’s laser vision.

I get that not all mascots can be as adorable as the Vancouver Winter Olympic mascots.  But come on, that’s the best they could come up with?  One-eyed, flat-footed freaks in spacesuits?

What’s your take?  Cute or sucky or a sign of an impending alien invasion?

For a country with over a thousand years of history, you’d figure there would have been plenty of time to learn how to cook.  Unfortunately, the early English people passed over cooking lessons in favor of learning how to build a more effective torture device.

Most of the food we ate in England was forgettable and not even worthy of the paltry amount of photograph space it would take up on my digital camera.  Some of the food looked good, but sprucing up dishes with a more artistic presentation doesn’t make it taste any better.  And the boring taste certainly didn’t justify the high prices.

Perhaps we just didn’t find a good restaurant serving British food.  (Then again, I’m not forking over £100 a plate to have Gordon Ramsay yell at me.)  However, there really aren’t that many restaurants serving British cuisine anyway.  London is ethnically diverse and the most popular foods are Chinese and Indian.

We loved two Asian chain restaurants: Ping Pong (a dim sum house) and Wagamama (a ridiculously named restaurant with ridiculously good modern Asian food).  And we found our absolute favorite Indian joint in the world: The Punjab Restaurant (read our review here).

Outside of exotic cuisine, we can’t vouch that your taste buds will be happy with English food.  But here’s a brief rundown of what you can expect to eat if you are so daring:

Fish and chips — the quintessential food of England.  Is it good?  Well, yeah, it’s pretty hard to screw up anything fried.  We ate fish and chips a few times.  The crust was always golden brown with a light crunch, and the fish (usually cod) was flaky and moist.  There wasn’t much flavor, but that’s where the malt vinegar comes in handy.  Don’t get English “chips” confused with American chips; “chips” are just French fries.

The full English breakfast is a sloppy, terribly unhealthy hodgepodge of incongruent items such as fried tomato, baked beans, eggs, bread and black pudding (which is blood sausage).

By the way, the definition of “pudding” means two shockingly different things for Americans and Brits.  American pudding is a smooth, creamy dessert item.  But in England, pudding can be anything from sausage to bread.  There’s generally nothing smooth or creamy about any food with the word “pudding” in it in the UK.

Bangers and mash is an English sausage the size of a bratwurst served over mashed potatoes and gravy.

Meat pies are basically like chicken pot pies, with steak and kidney pie being one of the most popular.  Shepherd’s pie is slightly different: the crust is made from mashed potatoes instead of dough.

I got these types of pies confused with something called a mincemeat pie, which is a really deceiving name.  I expected to cut into it and witness a sea of broth with chunks of meat floating like islands.  Instead, my mincemeat pie was a room temperature concoction of sweet dried fruits and nuts that was way more appetizing than the name suggests.

The Sunday roast is a traditional dish usually served on… get this… Sunday.  It’s a hearty plate of roast beef, steamed (and therefore tasteless and limp) vegetables, roasted potatoes and Yorkshire pudding.  Again, don’t be fooled by the word pudding.  There’s nothing pudding-like about Yorkshire pudding, it’s simply a biscuit.

Beef Wellington is beef tenderloin wrapped in a puffy pasty and baked.  I’m used to sweet cream in my pastries, not meat.  But I can get used to this.

Jellied eels is exactly what it sounds like: chunks of eel in a clear, pungent Jell-O that takes like the ocean.  It’s not as popular today as it was in the 18th century when it was cheap food for lower class citizens.

Ploughman’s Lunch sounds nothing like a real man’s lunch.  It’s a piece of cheese, a pickle, pickled onion and a slice of bread.  Ploughman’s Lunch is usually served in pubs.

Haggis is more prominent in Scotland than in England, but we saw it on quite a few menus.  Haggis is all the left over parts of sheep, seasoned and molded into a ball with oatmeal, then shoved in its own stomach and boiled for hours.  Sounds delicious, right?

Lancashire hotpot is like a stew; it consists of meat and vegetables that’s slowly cooked in the oven all day, then draped with sliced potatoes or pastry.

Sticky toffee pudding is a popular dessert made with a rich, nutty cake (like a bread pudding) and covered in warm toffee sauce.

You’ll find the word “rocket” on many menus.  Rocket is just a cooler name for arugula, a sharp tasting lettuce.

When all else fails (and it probably will), British tea is always delicious, full-bodied and reliable.  High tea is a great way to take a break, try a few teas with milk and indulge your sweet tooth with pastries.  Just remember that afternoon tea is considered more touristy than traditional (and that means pricey).

If there’s one thing we wish we knew before going to London, it’s this: don’t expect a foreign experience.

The United Kingdom is basically the America of Europe.  It’s like Europe’s safe zone for English-speakers.  The most foreign aspect of London is an accent that makes everyone sound more refined than you and a different set of slang terms — “if you don’t toss that fag in the rubbish there’s gonna be a row, gov’nor.”

London is all about celebrities, social status, sports, wealth and shopping, just like America.  The only difference is that London is older, more expensive, and they actually appreciate Hugh Grant.  Dentistry… not so much.

That’s why London isn’t a good place to adjust to the customs, culture and lifestyle of Europe.  Many European cities are laid back, easy going, simple and patient.  London is like any major city in America: bustling, guarded and unapologetic.

We never felt out of our element in London, which is one of the things that is so fun about traveling internationally.  That constant sense of familiarity bred too much comfort.  And if you’ve ever been a relationship that got too comfortable, you know what happens: you fall into a monotonous, unappreciative rhythm that lacks excitement, mystery and curiosity.

So our advice to North Americans is this: don’t go to London expecting a hallmark of European virtue.  Don’t expect to be transported into a completely different world.  Don’t expect it to feel foreign.  Like a new cocktail, expect recognizable ingredients with a slight twist.

If there’s anything else we wish we knew before visiting London, it would be to come in the mood for pork.  While pork isn’t the preferred meat in most restaurants, it’s hard to think of anything else when so many places have “ham” in their name.  NottingHAM.  WestHAM.  BuckingHAM.  There’s even a place just called HAM.  Mmm… Ham.

Harrods is London encapsulated in a department store: it’s gaudy, it’s braggadocios, and everything is wayyyyy too expensive.  But it’s the one store you have to visit in London just to say you actually found your way out (perhaps with a T-shirt that reads: “I Survived Harrods And All I Got Was This $200 T-Shirt”).

The first thing we did when we visited was grab a map.  There are 330 departments spread over 7 floors, and finding something in particular is like being a rat searching for a piece of cheese in a maze (most likely a very expensive piece of Blue Stilton cheese from the Harrods Food Hall).  Not to mention there are thousands of other rats congesting the maze.  It gets very cramped, but, as the locals say, “it’s part of the experience.”

This place isn’t like your neighborhood Sears.  It’s more like a museum that just so happens to have a ton of things you can buy. Harrods is just as famous for its haute couture as it is its monuments and memorials.

There’s a 30,000,000-year old piece of wood on the Egyptian-inspired ground floor, flanked by small reproductions of the Sphinx.  On the lower level is a memorial to Princess Di and Dodi Al Fayed, the son of Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed.  The memorial also contains the engagement ring that Dodi allegedly bought for Diana the day before they both died in a car crash.  Al Fayed recently said there has been talk of building a memorial statue of Michael Jackson.

After checking out the Princess Di memorial, we quickly became lost in the cramped labyrinth that is Harrods.  And the longer we spent in there, the more tempted we were to buy something.

So we did the touristy thing and purchased some tea for our families.  It was about the only item we could afford.  I also bought a traditional Christmas pudding that was heavily reduced in price.  But it was eventually confiscated at Heathrow airport because it was partially liquid and obviously bomb-like.  (I think security stole my pudding for their own personal enjoyment.  Thieves!)

We’ll tell you the one thing that Harrods isn’t: it isn’t a place to take a break.  There’s not a seat or a bench to be found.  It’s like a casino: get lost, spend money.  The only way to get a seat is to buy something in one of the store’s restaurants or cafes, or to pretend you’re trying on shoes in the shoe department.

Harrods is definitely a place you’ll want to hit early in the day so your feet aren’t tired from walking around the city.  Devise your plan of attack before you visit by checking out their website here.

For some reason, people love looking at big houses.  Maybe it’s because we’re curious as to how the wealthy live.  Maybe it’s because we aspire to live like royalty one day.  Maybe it’s because we’re on a mission to find out who gives out the best Halloween candy.  No matter what your motivation, Buckingham Palace is one of the most legendary places to fulfill our curious desire to witness the luxurious lifestyle.

Buckingham Palace is lot like the White House: it’s large, you can’t get too close to it, and it’s home to the most important figurehead in the country — in this case, Queen Elizabeth II and the Royal Family.  For most of the year, there’s nothing to do but snap a few photos and maybe wait around for the changing of the guard.  (Check the schedule here.)

For about 60 days a year, usually from early August until the end of September when the Royal Family is away, the palace is open to the public.  You can buy tickets to see everything from the State Rooms (the rooms where the Royal Family entertain their important guests), to the Royal Mews (the Royal Family stable and garage which includes the gaudy Gold State Coach) and the Queen’s Gallery (art and artifacts from the Royal Collection) for an astronomical £29.50.

In other words, you can pay a small fortune to see someone else’s large fortune.  In our opinion, Buckingham Palace looks just fine from the outside.

But if you want to visit, you can buy tickets in advance here.  For more information about the history of Buckingham Palace and things to see on your visit, check out the official site of the British Monarchy and The Royal Collection website.

The Millennium Bridge is a pedestrian-only suspension bridge that crosses the River Thames, linking St. Paul’s Cathedral to the north and Tate Modern to the south.

The bridge, which opened in 2000, is like a mannequin: it’s more about purpose than substance.  It’s a bland construction that serves as an easy way to get to the Tate Modern from the opposite side of the Thames.

As we crossed the bridge, we couldn’t help but wonder why the Tate Modern looked so… dull.  This tall, brick building with a large smoke stack resembles an old cookie factory more than a contemporary art museum.  (Turns out it was actually an old oil-fired power station.)

But once we stepped into the 3,400-square-foot Turbine Hall, the feeling that we were walking into an over-sized food factory evaporated.  The hall itself looked like a futuristic and minimalist blimp hanger, but the real attraction was the massive, apocalyptic spider-like beasts peering over the second floor balconies.

Designed by Dominique Gonzalez-Foerster, “TH.2058″ depicts two mega-sculptures: one a freakishly detailed, monstrous creature, the other an angular, bright red, robotic type of being. (This temporary exhibition closed in April of 2009, but the Turbine Hall will feature a new work later in the year.)

Some of the Turbine Halls’ past exhibitions have included altering its “weather”, forming a giant crack that spanned the length of the Hall (it even injured a few people who tripped over it), and, my personal favorite, installing usable slides that connected the various levels of the museum to the ground floor.  You can check out what’s being featured in the Turbine Hall during your visit here.

As a precursor to a multi-hour tour of the Tate Modern, the Turbine Hall certainly whet our appetite for the provocative and the unusual.  And the permanent exhibits fully satiated us.  It was a lot to digest, and some of it was hard to keep down (like the sexually explicit photographs and videos that looked like something out of the movie “Hostel”), but the overall experience was fulfilling.

Level 3 features an abstract and expressionist gallery with work by Monet and Rothko called “Material Gestures” as well as a section called “Poetry and Dream” featuring the aforementioned graphic exhibit with a title that’s understood in any language: “le cock et le balls.”

Level 5 contains the “Energy And Process” exhibit which focuses on Arte Povera, a radical and unconventional style of art that encapsulates the social upheaval in 1960′s Italy.  There’s also the “States Of Flux” exhibit, focusing on cubism, futurism and pop art with artwork by Picasso and Warhol.

Unfortunately, we have no pictures to share of some of these amazing works because you can’t take pictures inside the galleries.  So you’ll just have to see it for yourself.  The best part is, Levels 1 (The Turbine Hall), 3 and 5 are completely free!  (Levels 2 and 4 display temporary exhibitions you have to pay for.)

Get more information on the official site of the Tate Modern here.

The National Gallery is another one of London’s free museums boasting an embarrassment of riches.  The museum is home to 2,300 paintings, which is relatively small in comparison to the collections of most major museums, but this place packs a heavyweight punch.  World famous works from artists such as Rembrandt, da Vinci, Cézanne, Von Gogh, Monet and Michelangelo are on display.

Located right in Trafalgar Square, the building’s exterior comes across as more of a government building than an art museum, but the interior showcases the regality you’d expect from the British.  Each beautifully-colored room is spacious and navigation through the entire museum is relatively simple.

The 46 rooms (as well as the monumental Central Hall) in the main building is where the real action is at.  But you can also visit the Sainsbury Wing, a separate building to the left that harbors the Renaissance collection.  There’s also the National Portrait Gallery, just behind the main building.

Van Gogh's "Sunflowers" Is On Display

We had plans to check out the Portrait Gallery, but I accidentally spilled a cup of hot chocolate all over Jackie in the National Gallery café and we had to leave.  However, I think it was for the best:

1.) That hot chocolate was way too thick and obviously unhealthy.  It looked like brown butter and covered Jackie with a greasy film that required two heavy duty washings to get it out of her jeans.

2.)  The weather was cold.  Which means it was way easier to warm up by dumping her with hot chocolate as opposed to the slow, lazy man’s way of actually drinking it.

I think that makes me a national hero worthy of a portrait in the Portrait Gallery.

Here’s the great thing about museums in London: most of them are free. That’s a big relief in a city where everything is expensive. So I can’t legitimately say “you get your money’s worth” in The British Museum, but you know what I mean.

This place is absolutely epic in scale. 7 million objects. 588,000 square feet. 94 galleries. Artifacts from almost every culture in the world – ancient and modern.

Even the building’s architecture is monumental. Although, standing in the Great Court, which is Europe’s largest covered square, did make us feel like we were fish about to get caught in a giant net.

We first checked out an actual stone statue from Easter Island, named Hoa Hakananai’a. This one looks just like the others that are still on the Easter Island, so that saves us a trip, right?

Is it cold in here or is it just him?

Then it was on to the Rosetta Stone in room 4. We were surprised to see that it wasn’t the language learning software we frequently see on late-night TV. It was an ACTUAL stone. But when it comes down to it, the actual Rosetta Stone is a lot like the software, just on a 2,000-year-old rock. This is the rock that helped linguists figure out what all those Egyptian hieroglyphics meant. Before the stone’s discovery, hieroglyphics were just as confusing as the wingdings font.

Next, we looked at the Sculptures of the Parthenon (also called the Elgin Marbles) and the sculptures from the Mausoleum at Halikarnassos, one of the 7 wonders of the ancient world.  Room after room is filled with slabs and sculptures of Greek people missing heads and other vital limbs.  The ones that do have heads look a lot like the guys from the movie “300″.

Our favorite attraction was the Egyptian mummies, and it seemed to be everyone else’s favorite spot too because this section was packed. The 140 coffins and mummies is the largest display outside of Egypt. The elaborately decorated coffins were more interesting than some of the paintings we’ve seen in museums (particularly modern art museums).

Some other major sights in The British Museum include the Reading Room in the middle of the Great Court; the Mesopotamian antiques (part of the largest collection outside of Iraq); drawings from da Vinci, Michelangelo and Rembrandt; a collection of 9,000 coins, medals and banknotes; the Mildenhall Treasure (a hoard of 34 Roman silver objects); and the Lindow Man (a freeze dried body of a mid-20s man who had his throat slit sometime in the first century). We didn’t find out until after our visit that the museum also houses a crystal skull — of questionable origin.  Somebody alert Indiana Jones.

Check out The British Museum website here.

What’s the best way to see London?  From the London Eye.  At its 443-foot peak, the largest Ferris wheel in Europe provides an unsurpassed view of the heart of London.

Of course, getting there will put a dent in your schedule and your wallet.  The cheapest tickets are £17, but for another £10 you can buy a fast pass that rushes you to the front of the line.  You get a 10% discount if you book online which we highly recommend because the wait to buy tickets took over half an hour.

Once we booked our “flight,” we had to wait around for about an hour before we could even access the official wait line, which you need to enter 30 minutes before your designated boarding time.  All in all, it took 2 hours from the time we got to Jubilee Gardens to the time we finally entered our “eye pod” (I’m not making that up).

The 32 pods are surprisingly roomy with 25 people packed inside, and the location right on the South Bank of the River Thames gives you a bird’s eye view of Big Ben and The Houses of Parliament, Buckingham Palace and London’s West End.

Remarkably, the capsules always remain on the outside of the wheel so the view is never obstructed.  And when you reach the peak, you’ll have a full 360-degree view of the city.  The pods are air conditioned and there’s a large bench to sit on in the center.

For the entire 30-minute ride, we felt like we were hovering above the city.  The wheel crept along so slowly that we barely felt like we were moving.  In fact, the wheel doesn’t stop moving, not even when you’re entering and exiting the cabin.

If you have a fear of heights or small spaces, the London Eye might not be the place to attempt to conquer your fear.  This thing is high — it’s one-and-a-half times taller than the Statue of Liberty and is much higher than you’d expect from looking at it on the ground.  And you’re going to be stuck in the enclosed pod with 20 of your new best friends for half an hour.

Despite the wait, the price, and the constant threat that your pod could snap off and go plummeting into the river below (kidding), the London Eye is certainly a sight worth checking out.