The Jetpacker

They don’t make movies like they used to.

Today, most movies are just bad.  But there was a time when movies were so bad, they were actually kinda good.

They were the trashy, schlocky, ridiculously over-the-top movies with bad acting, inexplicable storylines and unnecessary nudity and violence that Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez paid homage to in the Grindhouse films (and in the upcoming Machete).

Instead of paying $14 to watch the formulaic crap at the movie theater, you can watch a grindhouse double-feature at L.A.’s oldest revival theater, the New Beverly Cinema, for only $7.  It’s like a bad movie slogan: twice the movie, half the price.

The program changes almost every day, and even though they sometimes play legitimately good films, most nights are dedicated to cult classics, exploitation flicks, and obscure genre films from the ’70′s and ’80′s, played back-to-back, all on 35mm film.

Often times, directors, cast and crew will even show up for the screenings, including Quentin Tarantino.  He bought the theater earlier this year, saving it from being turned into a Super Cuts.  So it’s no surprise that they frequently show Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs at the midnight screenings.

Last weekend, we made our way up to the New Beverly Cinema for a Jim Wynorski triple feature.  You probably don’t recognize the name, but if you’ve ever scrolled through premium cable stations late on a Friday night and seen titles like Busty Cops and The Devil Wears Nada, you know who he is.

Best tagline ever?

Back before he started doing Skinamax flicks, he wrote and directed cheesy B-movies and terrible sequels like Ghoulies IV and 976-EVIL II.  His movies were never intended to be good, they were meant to be fun.  He was even in attendance for the triple feature to laugh at his movies with the audience.

First on the bill was Wynorski’s first film, The Lost Empire, a movie so preposterously bad, I couldn’t help but wonder why I was having such a good time watching it.  This scene sums up the whole movie (possibly NSFW), but since I know you’ll want more, here’s a summary:

–Ninjas try to steal the key to a weapon, then never make an appearance again.

–Busty blonde cop assembles a martial arts team featuring two even bustier women, including a Native American who loves to say “kimosabe.”

–The plan is to infiltrate an island controlled by a villain who wants to take over the world.  He also happens to be holding a martial arts competition.

–The martial arts competition never happens.  Instead, the busty girls go through a series of medical examinations and training regimens that involves a lot of jumping jacks and more nudity than is necessary to the plot.

–Corny ’80′s synthesized soundtrack.

–A man in a gorilla suit.

–The villain plans to take over the world using a laser canon that resembles a giant penis.  Busty girls foil plot in needlessly skimpy outfits.

–Cheesy lines.  After a guy gets stabbed with a sword, the Indian chick says, “I guess he got the point.”

The second movie, Chopping Mall, is a cult classic.  The movie is about eight teenagers who stay in a mall after hours to have sex and drink beer.  But their plans are foiled when three security robots go haywire and try to kill them.

Best quote from the movie:  “I guess I’m just not used to running around a shopping mall in the middle of the night being chased by killer robots.”

If that isn’t worth the price admission, I don’t know what is.  We didn’t stay for the third movie, Demolition High, but it starred Corey Haim and Alan Thicke, so it must have been good.

Check out the schedule at the New Beverly Cinema and go see something that’s actually entertaining for once.