We talked all about the Orange County Great Park in Irvine, California previously in a guest post, but since there’s not much to see other than some artistic renditions of what the park will look like in a decade or two, we wanted to take you for a ride on the park’s only attraction: The Great Park Balloon.

You know how movies and TV shows are always made into theme park rides?

Well, the Orange County Great Park Balloon is kinda like The O.C. The Ride: it’s dramatic and mildly enjoyable, with an underwhelming middle and a satisfying conclusion.  Unlike the TV show, however, it’s not a total waste of time (even though that’s one of the top 3 things Orange County is known for, right above conservatism and just below plastic surgery).

It’s no Disneyland, but a ride on the Great Park Balloon is free, and the wait is short.

The first thing you do is pick up boarding passes.  Of course, you have to sign your life away just in case the balloon detaches from its tether and flies away — one of the pilots assured me that if that did happen, the balloon would drift about 10 miles before crashing safely into the ocean (where we could be eaten by sharks?) — or the balloon pops and we plummet to our splattery deaths.

Luckily, we’re in a first world country, and that means the balloon is completely safe.

After you redeem your passes, up to 30 people board the ring-shaped steel carriage.  The balloon wobbles as you disembark — this is the moment where you’ll question your decision-making — but the carriage quickly evens out, giving way to a smooth ascent.

Before you know it, you’re 400 feet above the ground, walking around the carriage to get a panoramic view of the decommissioned El Toro Marine Base and the surrounding area.

Admittedly, the view isn’t that spectacular: old runways, some hills, a few buildings, master-planned communities, two congested freeways, a shopping mall, and a thick layer of smog that limits long-distance vision (allegedly you can see up to 20 miles on a clear day, but that’s something nonexistent in Southern California).

If you’re lucky, however, you’ll have a flock of loud kids aboard your flight who love to give adults mild heart attacks by running around the carriage and shaking it back and forth.

Or maybe you’ll get a good gust of wind that rumbles through the carriage and knocks it around.

Or you might even be aboard when everyone decides to congregate in one section, causing the carriage to tilt uncomfortably.

Those are always options to give your flight a little more drama.

Fortunately, most people value safety, so rides are typically gentle and relaxing, with a calming sway and a light breeze that tickles your face as you hang in midair.

After a few minutes to imagine what the park will look like once it’s completed, the balloon descends so slowly that you don’t even realize you’re about to touchdown until he pilot tells you to clutch the handrails and prepare for landing.

Adventure-seekers will probably find the balloon ride as exciting as watching a children’s soccer game (the #4 thing The OC is known for is soccer moms), but for everyone else, it’s a quick, fun and free thing to do in Orange County… unless you have a fear of heights.

Steve is back with another update from Kuala Lumpur.  Catch up on what he did his first few days in the capital of Malaysia here.

I started the day off by grabbing a cab outside the hotel to the National Museum. Once again, they tried to overcharge me, but I haggled them down to RM 15, even though that’s expressly prohibited. They’ll try to take you for everything you’ve got, so don’t trust cabbies as far as you can throw them.

The National Museum is like the Emperor’s bathing vessel in History of the World, Part I. Not great, but nice. For less than a buck (RM3,) it’s a decent way to pass an hour, and if it’s raining, it’s just a sky bridge away from the rest of the day’s events.

Next up was the undisputed highlight of the day, the KL Bird Park. They bill themselves as “Asia’s Largest Walk-in Free Roaming Sanctuary,” and I can’t imagine anyone stepping up to challenge them.

I have never seen anything even remotely close to the Bird Park. The whole thing is enclosed in netting, and some birds (like the eagles) are in separate enclosures, but aside from that, the birds have pretty much free reign.

It was surreal to get a bottle of water from the concession stand, then realize the next one in line was a big blue peacock.

The Bird Park was the most expensive spot of the day, by far (RM42, or $16 for adults) but it was also the most value without question.

I then went to the Orchid Park, just up the street. The price was right (free on weekdays, RM1 on weekends and holidays,) but most of the orchids were not in bloom, so it was kind of a waste.

If you have someone in your group who loves the creepy crawlies, the Butterfly Park is in the same area. At about RM18, you can walk around a smaller, but still enclosed park filled with various beautiful butterflies. There’s also a small indoor section where you can learn about different bugs, like Hercules beetles and walking sticks. Good for families with little boys, no question.

It was quite a hot and humid day, and I’d gone through a few bottles of water just to stay upright, so I grabbed a cab to Little India for dinner – the first one in KL that actually quoted me a fair price! – and decided to find a hole in the wall to crawl into.

I’ve learned that in Asia, the more scared you are to eat somewhere, the better the food is, and this was no exception. Tasty curry chicken and ghee rice was about RM15, and I only had a few sanitary issues to worry about. Hey, if I’m saving money, I’ll take what I can get.

I returned to my hotel room afterward, walking the rest of the way, and decided to finally tackle the big one tomorrow – Petronas Towers.

The next day, I woke up what seemed to be early enough to snag one of the 1,400 free tickets allotted daily to visitors to the Petronas Towers. Unfortunately, between breakfast and a surprisingly busy Thursday at the towers, I missed the last one by about 15 minutes.

As it were, all I really missed was the chance to go up onto the sky bridge (about 40 floors up) and take pictures. The KL Tower was higher, and I got a good picture or two from the outside, so I don’t consider it too much of a loss.

In any case, the towers are majestic – a shining example for a city that seems determined to build as much as possible. Looking out over a very nice lake in front of Petronas, I counted around 40 skyscrapers, 13 of which were under construction of some kind.

Not buildings, mind you, but full-fledged skyscrapers. KL is a city on the rise, no doubt about it.

In addition, I was able to get some shopping done, and fulfilled one of my goals for this trip – trying durian. For those who don’t know, durian is the infamous “stinky fruit” of Southeast Asia. Its odor is so pungent it’s currently banned in Singapore, but it has its devotees.

However, I am definitely not one of them. While it was better than the garlic ice cream I had in Gilroy, California, it was absolutely foul. I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth for hours, even after mints.

Walking back towards the hotel, I could see it was starting to rain, so I ducked into the nearest place I could, a small stall offering Hainanese chicken rice. It was decent, especially for the price (RM7, plus another RM for a Tiger beer,) and it kept me dry for a little while. Eventually, I was able to head home and make plans for the last few days.

***

As I finish up this leg of the trip and head to Singapore, I’m starting to reflect on things I could have done differently to make this a better trip.

I’ve found my chief problem was to lock myself into a hotel beforehand, and cut out my flexibility. Since many of the major excursions from KL (the National Forest, Melaka, Penang) essentially demand a few days each, I couldn’t stand the thought of simply letting a hotel room I’d already paid for go to waste.  I may run into this problem in Singapore as well, but as things tend to be a lot closer to each other there, I think I’ll be OK.

Another big change I’d make is to schedule out my time better before the actual trip. A few days I spent the morning in the hotel, simply trying to figure out what to do with the day, and it cost me valuable time.

Despite this, I’m still very proud of what I’ve accomplished over the last week, and I’m in awe of what I’ve seen and experienced.

Malaysia may be a tough place for a novice traveler, as it’s still very hard to get around, but if you’ve been around the block and are tired of the usual hot spots, I definitely recommend it.

Some of my friends experienced misgivings about me going, as Malaysia is a predominantly Muslim country, and I’m not only American, but Jewish as well. To be fair, I kept my religion quiet, but I never saw anything remotely close to anti-Americanism or xenophobia in general.

The biggest reminders you’ll see in KL of Islam’s reach are the clothing on women (from simple head scarves to full-on burqas) and a few influences architecturally. Because of its inherent multiculturalism, Malaysians are tolerant of all cultures, far more than many Americans, and there doesn’t appear to be a foothold for any radical thoughts here. It’s just not that kind of a place.

***

On my last day in Kuala Lumpur, I woke up and packed. It’s strange to think that after all the time I spent here, I’m leaving not for home, but to more vacation. It’s been kind of a drag the past few days, and I hope a change of location will do me good.

In any case, I wanted to make the last day special, so I grabbed a cab and headed for the Batu Caves, about 15 km outside of town. The cabbie jerked me around again, but it was nothing new.

Anyway, the Batu Caves was nothing short of exhilarating. A Hindu temple build to honor Lord Muruga was built into limestone caves, with water dramatically dripping off stalactites and various shrines to different gods.

The Caves, however, are famous for quite a few very different reasons.

First, upon reaching the caves, it’s impossible to miss the giant gold statue of Lord Muruga. It is truly an awe-inspiring sight.

Next, to reach the main shrine, you have to climb what seems like an endless flight of stairs. Lonely Planet insists there was 272, but I counted 278. The realization that I was at eye level with the statue at stair #230 kind of threw me off.

A far more interesting subject for the cameras are the numerous monkeys that inhabit the temple. They have free run of the place, and the monks like to feed them bananas and coconuts. I would have gotten more pictures, but my camera was nice enough to run out of battery partway through.

On the whole, Batu Caves is a moving site. The level of devotion it took to carve not only the statues, but the shrines is simply unfathomable. I actually felt weak in the knees taking it all in, although that may have been the walk down the stairs.

As I headed back to the city, I couldn’t stop smiling. It’s refreshing to know that something like this exists, and I hope as many people as possible get to experience it.

Now, for my last night in KL, I thought I’d be going to a club or something, but I tried it last night, and going out and drinking alone is just too depressing. So, I was thrilled when I found a strange show happening tonight only in the morning paper.

It was the “3rd International Pyongyang Arts Festival”, with a tagline of “Weapons of Mass Adulation.” I assumed it was some sort of eye-opening look at North Korean propaganda. It was nothing of the sort, but it was a very fun night of independent performance art.

It involved a fire breather that almost burnt the place down, a stirring rendition of “Ronery” from Team America: World Police…

…and the highlight, a performance from a man named Joe, described to me as the “godfather of Malaysian punk,” broadcast live on ChatRoulette for the fun of it.

Hanging out with all of the people there made me really sad that this was my last day, especially as I had gone almost the entire trip by myself. We all exchanged information, and hopefully we’ll be able to stay in touch.

The next day, I boarded the plane, ready for the next and final stop on my trip – the cosmopolitan Mecca of Singapore.

Today’s guest post is from our friend Steve.  Over the next two weeks, he’ll be visiting Kuala Lumpur and Singapore, and reporting on his adventures.

I arrived at Kuala Lumpur International Airport a few hours before midnight, and had read that the KLIA Ekspres train and the airport taxi would both cost around the same. I opted for the more direct taxi. However, there was a mix-up with the hotel name.

Word to the wise: make sure they (and you) know exactly which hotel you’re going to.

Instead of taking me to the Hotel Equatorial Kuala Lumpur, I got a ticket for the Equatorial Bangi, over 30 km away. It was only then that I learned firsthand that cabbies here are not to be trusted. In addition to the RM 54 (more than $16) I was charged to go to the wrong place, the driver charged me an additional RM 74 ($22!) to head back to Kuala Lumpur, but not before trying to convince me to switch to his “budget” hotel.

After a 90 minute trip, I wanted nothing more to do with him.  Luckily, when I arrived at my actual hotel, the staff couldn’t have been more gracious. They were courteous and good at their jobs, even as I shuffled in looking like a hobo. I packed it in for the night and thought about plans for tomorrow.

* * *

I had my first taste of Malaysia the next morning at breakfast, which came included in my package. While there were standard Western fares like pancakes, omelets, and various bread products, the East was also well-represented with congee, curries, and the like.

There were also a few foods I wasn’t expecting, like corn with capsicum (basically, straight spiciness), green guava juice, and beef bacon and salami. Makes sense, as there’s no pork to be found anywhere.

Sensing I had woken up too late to get Petronas Tower tickets, I went for apparently the next-best thing:  the Kuala Lumpur Tower (Menara Kuala Lumpur) just down the road. Standing at over 420 meters (around 1400 feet,) it is the 5th largest communications tower in the world, and 18th tallest freestanding tower in the world.

Naturally, this should have screamed “tourist trap,” but I took the bait anyway. You get a choice of “Cultural” and “Adventure” experiences.  Adventure involves an F1 simulator and a pony ride, which just seemed really odd to do by myself, so I went with Cultural.

The first stop was the Malaysian Cultural Village exhibit, which was one of the most depressing tourist traps I’ve ever seen. It starts with a beautiful sign and landscape, and then… nothing. You walk a solid 50 feet of blank concrete before getting to the main area. They could have done something, anything with it, but no.

The main area featured houses from each area of Malaysia, which, frankly, looked almost exactly the same. “These houses are on 3-meter stilts, but over here it’s 5!” Yippee.

The one interesting thing going on was a few people in traditional garb teaching people to throw spinning tops. I gave it a go, but after wiping out some pieces of wood 20 feet away, I decided to let the professionals handle it. Incidentally, the top spinners were the only people there not trying to sell me something.

Whether it was batik, tacky jewelry, or pictures of myself, everything had a price, and it was inflated. I figured I’d press on and see more of the Cultural Village, only to find that I had somehow seen it all. I was so flabbergasted, I walked through twice to make sure I had seen everything, and I had.

I was beginning to think the pony ride might have been a good idea.

After the Village, I took the elevator up to the Observation Deck. Since there are apparently no floors between the ground floor and the Deck, the elevator zoomed straight to the top, leaving everyone’s ears popping.

The view was breathtaking! A full 360-degree aerial look at the city showed some surprising truths. One, this may be one of the greenest major cities in the world. Forests and parks are everywhere, which contrasts nicely with my current hometown of Seoul. Also, KL-ers really like their skyscrapers.

The biggest surprise, though, was the rapid development. To compare, I took a picture of the guide that had the major buildings labeled. I then took a real picture, and tried to spot all the new buildings. I counted 4, and I wasn’t even looking that hard.

My final stop on the tour was also part of the “Cultural” package, and was titled “Forest in the City.” Now, THIS was worth it.

A guided trip through lush vegetation so thick, you forget you’re in the middle of the city. Our guide, Zul (no Ghostbuster jokes, please) was funny, patient, and incredibly informative. You could see he cared deeply about preservation of Malaysia’s rainforests.

If you’re only staying a few days and can’t make it out to one of the national parks, this is a great 30-40 minute consolation. The only negative was that I took the tour in the middle of the day, so there were no animals to be seen. If you can make it in the morning, there are apparently a few types of tropical bird and primate that live in the area.

If you have the time, you can also explore the trails by yourself. The tour only covered the smallest trail, and it had steps and rails, but it was still a pretty solid workout. All in all, a pretty satisfying first half of the day. I decided to rest up a little and eat back at the hotel. I had planned on going to the Saturday night market, but I caught a cold that waylaid me for the rest of the night.

The next day, I decided to just walk and see what I’d run into. Turns out, I fell smack-dab into Times Square, one of KL’s numerous shopping malls.

Times Square is notable not only for a dozen floors of clothing and electronics, but also Malaysia’s largest indoor theme park, Cosmo’s World.

The Cosmo mascot is one of those wonderful anthropomorphic things that can only exist in a theme park, but kids love getting their picture with him… her… it?

Anyway, the park is dominated by a huge, looping roller coaster that winds its way through the 5th-8th floors of the mall. It snakes its way so close to various signs and banisters I was convinced it would have plowed through one of them by now.

The starkest picture, however, was of how empty it seemed to be. On a summer Sunday afternoon, a place like this would be packed to the gills in America. Here, they’d start each ride with only 2 or 3 riders, because that’s all there would be.

In the mall, I stopped in to the food court and was amazed at the selection. Every corner of Malaysia was represented, from Malay to Indian to, um, Italian. After some halal lemon chicken at the North Chinese Muslim section, I stopped off at the Internet café to catch up on world events.

I missed Dennis Hopper and Gary Coleman dying, and another perfect game in the MLB. Jeez. After a long day of walking and eating, I headed home to rest my aching feet and plan my next move. Tomorrow: Steve gets arty, and actually buys something.

Today, I learned that the Malaysian reputation for kindness is well-deserved. I had just finished breakfast and walked out of the hotel when a middle-aged woman and her daughter stopped me and welcomed me to Malaysia. Just like that.

It wasn’t a trick to try to get me to buy something, or to steal my wallet, or anything like that. There’s an innate curiosity from the locals about visitors; everyone wants to know where you’re from, and why you’d come to their fair city. Even though it was a brief conversation, it instantly brightened my day.

My first stop of the day was the Kompleks Kraf, the Malaysian Craft Complex. Here, you can learn how to make pottery, take a tour covering Malaysian art, weaving, and music (only RM3 – great way to spend an hour!) and even try your hand at batik, the art of using ink and wax to create stunning designs on fabric.

I first met with John, a batik artist from the Borneo side of the country, who welcomed me into his studio and showed me some of his work, which was incredible. I knew I had a lot to live up to. I went with a lizard design, and the instructor first had me trace the picture onto a piece of fabric. Then, I traced the picture again, but this time in wax. Now, I could start painting with the ink and water.

It was ingenious how the wax stopped all colors from bleeding through it, helping differentiate sections. I was soon joined by two young English women on holiday, Marie and Beth. We chatted and painted, safely away from the passing thunderstorm, until our masterpieces were finished.

Well, Marie and Beth had masterpieces, mine looked like a fifth-grader’s work. After we were done, the instructor dried them and wrapped them up. For only RM20 (about $6 American and change), we had a wonderful memory, spent a few hours having some great fun, avoided a thunderstorm, and made some new friends.

After we left the Craft Complex, we headed to the Pavilion Mall. It was Marie’s birthday, and she wanted some chocolate cake.

The Pavilion is known in KL as the high-end mall, and with good reason. Everywhere you turned there was another designer label with impossibly thin models. We snubbed our noses at the perfect physical specimens looking dead-eyed from the posters and headed towards the Godiva store, where we all surrendered to chocolatey awesomeness. Take that, you skinny jerks!

Afterwards, we made plans to meet up again next week in Singapore, and went our separate ways. I was about to head back to the hotel, when two words caught my eye – Pub. Quiz.

Those who know me know I’m a sucker for any sort of trivia contest (I once appeared on Jeopardy!), especially when the prize is a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. I ordered a burger (quite good – turns out the chef was an award-winner in Ireland) and a Strongbow, and hunkered down at Healy Mac’s Pub.

I started chatting with the gentleman next to me, Liam, who turned out to be the owner. Soon joined by John, a Scotsman, and a couple from Liverpool, we were ready to take on the world. In the end, we fell short of the win, but the lively conversation and laughs more than made up for it.

The overriding theme of the day was kindness. Whether it was John the artist, Liam, Beth and Marie, or the women outside the hotel, everyone was smiling, enjoying themselves and wanted to learn about me as much as I wanted to about them.  I took a taxi home (cabbie tried to charge RM20 for a few blocks – nice try, jerk) and I drifted off to sleep, ready for whatever the next day brought.

Check back later this week for the conclusion of Steve’s time in Kuala Lumpur and his arrival in Singapore.

This may come as a surprise, but Las Vegas is more than just a four mile strip of flashy hotels and loud casinos.  It’s actually a sprawling metropolis of 2 million people that spans over 4,000 square miles, which means there’s a lot more to do than watch a drunk guy try to find his missing shoe (even though that is highly entertaining).  Here’s some fun stuff we did in Vegas over Memorial Weekend to escape the crowds…

Casinos Off The Strip

Our gambling budget is so small that we could only play a few hands of blackjack at nearly any casino on The Strip.  But at the casinos a few miles away, your money goes further.  Table minimums are lower and casinos like Eastside Cannery, a classy ’50′s inspired hotel with color-changing exterior, and the elegantly designed Red Rock Resort, are replete with penny and nickel slots.

Eastside Cannery

The only problem with off The Strip hotels is the lack of free entertainment (and in a city like Vegas where everything costs four times more than it should, free entertainment is the only thing preventing you from betting your mortgage at the tables).  One of the few hotels that offers a free show is Sam’s Town, a hotel way the hell out in BFE.

Their show is called Sunset Stampede, an eight-minute tour of the Western pioneer as told through water theatrics, lasers, lights and animation.  It’s no Bellagio fountains, but it’s better than buying cap guns and trying to reenact life in the Old West with your friends.

The first half of the show is cool, depicting cowboys and Indians and dessert animals looking way more colorful and futuristic than they do in real life.  Suddenly the tune changes and the show morphs into an oddly uncomfortable display of pro-America propaganda, complete with country songs and images of military might.  The only thing lacking was a guest appearance by Sarah Palin dressed in a civil war reenactment costume.

Rocket Fizz

In a strip mall at the edge of Vegas (literally, it’s nothing but desert a few blocks away), there’s a cool shop called Rocket Fizz, where you can find hundreds of varieties of soda and candy, some of which you probably haven’t seen since you last bought something from the ice cream man (side note: in my neighborhood, the ice cream man was arrested for trying to sell drugs to kids).

Perhaps my favorite word in the entire English language is “free,” and Rocket Fizz offers free soda tastings on Saturday.  After trying this lightly carbonated peach soda that tasted exactly like a real peach (science has come so far), I asked a clerk for the weirdest soda.

He gave me Cola Azteca, a dark soda that contains coffee, chocolate, cinnamon and cayenne pepper.  Sounds like a deadly combination, but it was surprisingly good, although I’m not used to heat lingering in my mouth after a swig of soda.

But my greatest find was something that got me in trouble when I was a kid.  It’s absolutely the most un-politically correct candy ever made and I can’t believe they still make this stuff…

Bubble gum cigarettes.

They even come in a box that looks like a real pack of cigarettes.  But here’s the best part: pretend to smoke the cigarette and white smoke shoots out.

It’s totally wrong and sends a terrible message to kids, but I’m not gonna lie, it looks effin’ sweet.

Pinball Hall Of Fame

I grew up sucking at video games, but I wish I grew up twenty years prior so I could have sucked at pinball instead.

A couple miles off The Strip in an unassuming warehouse is 10,000 square feet of flashing lights and loud sounds and a helluva lot of fun… except it’s way cheaper than a slot machine.  $10 can last an hour at the Pinball Hall of Fame.

Take a nostalgic trip back in time and play one of 152 pinball machines and 54 arcade games, some of which date back to the ’50′s.

While I gradually got worse at a pinball game called Space Shuttle, Jackie was kicking ass at Dunk N’ Alien, a ski ball game where you try to hit a moving target in order to dunk an alien that mocks competitors.

Pawn Stars

If you’ve ever seen the History Channel show Pawn Stars, you know that the Gold & Silver Pawn Shop has become another Vegas landmark.  But once you see the place, it’s kind of a let down.

The store is smaller than it looks on TV, the guys on the show only work a few hours on weekdays, and everything is terribly overpriced.  I thought we’d see a lot of the interesting antiques they buy on the show, but it’s mainly jewelry for sale.  And the thought of wearing someone else’s jewelry, especially knowing they pawned it to likely pay for medical bills or something, is disturbing.

There were some motorcycles at the back and a few old slot machines on the counter, but not enough to warrant braving the huge crowds that pack into this small place to buy overpriced souvenirs.

Red Rock Canyon

By far the coolest excursion, and the one we underestimated the most, was the drive thirty minutes outside of Vegas to Red Rock Canyon.

You can see Red Rock Canyon way out in the distance from most of the hotels — it sticks out like a swollen red sore thumb — and it doesn’t appear as if it would be that interesting.

But after paying $7 to take the 13-mile scenic drive and stopping at various points to walk around, this prehistoric playground for hikers and rock-climbers took on an extraordinarily impressive, even mysterious, life.

There’s a strange air about the giant pile of red sandstone rocks in the canyon.  Not in a bad way.  It’s easy to sense why the Native Americans considered it a spiritual place.

We didn’t bring appropriate clothing to go hiking, nor do we have the stamina to challenge the canyon — it’s far easier walking down than climbing back up — so we didn’t do much exploring.

But we could have easily spent the entire day in the canyon… if we didn’t sunburn easily… and get winded after climbing up a small hill… and didn’t fear being attacked by raving mad jackrabbit.  Perhaps this gift shop item would help…

Every trip to Vegas is a unique experience, full of strange encounters, uncomfortable situations, and, of course, life lessons.  Here’s what we discovered on our most recent trip to Sin City…

***

We rarely let slot machines siphon money out of our pocket, but occasionally nerdiness gets the best of us.  We didn’t succumb to the slots with alluring and totally descriptive titles like “Triple Double Wild Cherry Deluxe With Cheese”.  Instead, we played a Jeopardy! slot.  No intelligence involved.

After losing a few bucks, we switched to the always tempting Deal or No Deal slot.  As usual, greediness led to irrational decision making, and a play that cost $7 or $8 netted a briefcase with only 20 cents inside.  But wait — two women offer double or nothing, and the prospect of a whopping 40 cents was too great to turn down.

The first time we went double or nothing, we chose the blonde girl… and lost.  The next time we went double or nothing (this time on a 10 cent victory), we chose the blonde again… and lost again.  When it came time for round three, with a whopping 50 cents on the line, the woman next to us said, “Pick the black girl. She always wins.”  She was right, and a whole dollar was ours.  You really do meet the wisest people in casinos.

***

During our wanderings off The Strip, we passed a strip club called The Library.  As the name suggests, the strippers are dressed as sexy librarians.  I’m trying to picture it and it seems like it should be hot… but I don’t recall going to my local library and seeing an attractive librarian.  Ever.

***

The section of The Strip between The Stratosphere and downtown is only a few miles, but I imagine the majority of crime in Vegas is concentrated in this small section.  We saw a guy being put on a stretcher on one street, and a guy getting arrested on the next corner.  And this was during daylight hours!  Imagine what happens when darkness falls.

There’s really nothing to see on this section of road.  It’s lined with dumpy wedding chapels, shady strip clubs, themed motels, ethnic food shops, pawn shops, abandoned shops, and, of all things, a hostel.

***

Speaking of scary and Stratosphere, you couldn’t pay me to go on swing that hangs over the edge at a height of 900 feet.

***

Bonanza Gifts claims to be the largest gift shop in the world, and I believe ‘em.  However, I’m not sure how many people are in the market for such thoughtful gifts as a 10-gallon Styrofoam cowboy hat…

…rubber horse masks…

…bacon lunch pails and gummy bacon…

…devices that turn food into activities…

…and glasses with a penis nose.

Now when someone calls me a dickface, they're being observant instead of insulting.

***

I want to say Jackie is a kind soul, but I wonder if she’s just a sucker.  She always gives money to solicitors and daringly approaches homeless people to give them money in exchange for petting their dog.  Disregard that some of these people appear suspicious and possibly even armed.

We’re sitting in her car in a rather dark parking lot trying to figure out where to get a pina colada when this lady with missing teeth, patchy hair and a set of crazy eyes that would strike fear into a bear rolls up next to the car on her bike.  Jackie, probably thinking this person is a purveyor of good advice, opens the window without hesitation… on my side of the car.

As soon as the window lowers, the woman, clearly about to come down from a 72-hour acid trip, launches into this totally nonsensical stream of consciousness where she begs us for $6.98 exactly so she can buy a McDonald’s value meal because she’s hungry… but she’s not on crack or drugs or anything… and she thinks we’d have the money even though she’s not checking out our wallets or car or anything… but she needs to get the money to get the McDonald’s value meal because she needs it.

I’ve never heard of a McDonald’s value meal costing $6.98.  That’s the opposite of value.  And I’m not sure how she went from her needing to eat to some mystery male character needing to eat, but I’m pretty sure “McDonald’s value meal” was code for “buy more acid.”

***

***

I don’t have to tell you that Vegas oozes sexuality, but it seems to get more impressive by the year.

As we were about to walk into The Mirage to get something to eat, three busty women walk off the cover of a magazine and out of the hotel wearing incredibly flashy, blinged out bikinis — bright gold, bejeweled — ass hanging out, dragging their luggage to the parking garage.

A few hours later, we pull into the parking garage at THEhotel and there’s another incredibly gorgeous model-type sitting at the valet waiting for her car with luggage in hand… wearing only a tiny black bikini that didn’t leave much to the imagination.

Where are these people going in bikinis?

***

We met up with one of my good friends from high school and his wife in search of unnecessarily large tubes of adult beverage.  Walk The Strip for five minutes and you’re bound to see people sucking down 60 ounces of daiquiri or margarita from a tube that looks like a vital part of a truck engine.

As we waited for our pina coladas — don’t ask about the pina colada obsession on this trip, just accept that Vegas makes strange requests on your taste buds — I noticed that someone left a very generous tip for the bartender in her tip jar…

That amount of alcohol seems like a good idea when you first get it.  Even the M&Ms agree.

Eventually the combination of alcohol and a digital camera becomes dangerous, especially after you realize that a long tube of pina colada looks like a phallic symbol (pictures omitted as a courtesy to my future employers).  I feel bad for the foreign tourists who will go home, review their pictures, and see us in the background doing stuff like this…

Confucius say: Dragon boogers bring good luck.

***

After guzzling down that hideously sour, foamy pina colada, my friend Jeff said, with absolute authority: “We’re going into the Bellagio to play games.  I don’t care what.  We – will – win.”  We lost.

Vegas motto:  If you win, you win.  If you lose, you break even.

***

At about 3 in the morning, I walk into the men’s room at Hard Rock and this guy runs into the stall next to me and exclaims: “OH YEAH!  OH!  OH YES!  Wow.  A piss can only feel that good in Vegas.  I’d pay a prostitute to make me feel that good again.”

He was an Englishman so at least it sounded refined.

***

Jackie and I went to get haircuts at this popular place off The Strip and there was this loud girl across the salon going on a tirade about some family dispute.  I couldn’t keep up with what she was saying as she kept jumping from topic to topic, but at one point she uttered the strangest line I’ve ever heard:

“They can’t judge us for liking tomatoes, even if they are illegal.”

Let that marinate for a minute.  Try to process that.  I know it’s out of context, but is there any conversation where that statement can be accepted in context?

***

Vegas is not a place to visit if you have insecurities.  The 18 – 25 crowd all look like Abercrombie & Fitch models.  On the weekend, the city is a veritable buffet of eye candy.

Which makes it all the more depressing when we work our asses off at the gym to barely see improvement and these people can chow down burgers and nachos and alcoholic drinks all day and somehow lose weight.

Sahara: The 2-Star Slum

The only reason we stayed at the Sahara for two nights was because it was pretty cheap compared to the outrageous Memorial Weekend prices at some of the nicer places (we’re talking $300 plus).  The place is pretty much a dump.  We call it “The Motel 5″ because equating it to Motel 6 would just be disrespectful to Motel 6.

Not a raging Vegas pool party.

It’s one of those old school Vegas hotels that doesn’t try to improve and even prides itself on its clientele of WWE and NASCAR fans.  It’s also one of those places that likely attracts unsavory activity.

Case in point: I’m pretty sure our room was the scene of a vicious knife fight.  There were rips in the carpet and a suspicious dark stain under a chair, likely where a victim of a drug deal gone awry was bludgeoned.

But I guess all the luxurious amenities of the room make up for it being a crime scene.  Take, for instance, the TV.  If we tried to change the volume in any direction, it would automatically spike to the max.  Once there, it couldn’t be turned down.  But volume doesn’t matter when you only have a handful of fuzzy stations.  The broken speaker was a marvelous aesthetic choice as well.

We also especially enjoyed the shower.  I prefer a shower head that slowly drips water while most of the water gushes out of the bath faucet, creating a shower/bath hybrid experience that’s second to none.

After two blissful nights at the Sahara, we moved to Mandalay Bay’s all-suite THEhotel.  More on that room in a later post.

Observations From The I-15

There is always a bevy of interesting sights on a long distance drive, as our trip up the I-5 for the Olympics would indicate.  The drive along the I-15 from L.A. to Vegas packs just as much strangeness in a shorter drive.  Here are a few observations…

–To get to the I-15, L.A. drivers have to take the 91 Freeway.  Luckily we missed this huge accident by mere minutes.

–We passed a white van with Jurassic Park logos on the doors.  I don’t remember that particular vehicle making an appearance in Jurassic Park, which begs the question: why put Jurassic Park logos on a van?

–The phone number for this Greyhound bus is 1-800-SAFE-BUS.  Notice how it appears as if it’s going to tip.

–What’s more disturbing: a cattle cargo truck full of animals… or an empty one?

–The last ten miles before you reach Vegas is an assault of billboards advertising buffets and nightclubs.  The first ten miles after you leave Vegas is an assault of billboards advertising weight loss plans and companies that will fight your DUI.

–I like reading license plates on the drive.  It make it less boring.  I particularly liked this one…

–This is cheating a little since it’s technically a few miles off the I-15, but if you recall our list of 15 Cool Sights To See On The Drive To Vegas, you can’t pass through Barstow without a stop at Del Taco.  Naturally we made our usual stop at the original Del Taco, but it was something we passed on the surface streets that really got our attention this time. On nearly every block, we saw a guy on the sidewalk waving a sign that directs drivers to cheap food or car insurance discounts.  But the strangest sign guy had to be the afroed guy in a nurse uniform, dancing and signing, waving a sign that read: “Urgent Care This Way”.  Does urgent medical attention really necessitate song and dance?

(*On a side note, after a visit to urgent care a few months ago, I got a letter in the mail that read: “Thank you for patronage.  We look forward to seeing you again soon.”  Well I don’t!  I had to get two painful shots in the butt.  Thanks for the well wishes.)

–Del Taco isn’t the classiest dining experience, but I can endure sights like this to indulge in a delicious half-pound bean and cheese burrito with red sauce…

–Most of the ride to Vegas consists or large expanses of wide open dessert, which makes this especially confusing.  About 30 minutes outside Vegas, there’s a skydive company that put its landing strip in the most inappropriately dangerous place possible: adjacent to a freeway and huge power lines.

Now we know why it’s called Extreme Skydiving.  You have to be extremely crazy to not only risk death by jumping out of an airplane, but having to combat furious desert winds and dangerous obstacles such as sailing over power lines and landing on a thin strip of land unwisely placed directly next to a highly trafficked freeway.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas… until you wind up in the news.

People driving from LA to Vegas regard the I-15 as a long and boring stretch of highway that stands between them and public intoxication, irresponsible gambling and regrettable sexual encounters.  Movies like “The Hangover” and “Swingers” skip over this part of the road trip with a montage as if there was nothing to see besides cactus and the occasional road kill.

For the most, they’re right.  But sometimes you have to stop.

Sometimes you just need a break from the monotonous and boring hum of the road (or your significant other).  Sometimes you’re craving really unhealthy hood from establishments with questionable health records.  And almost always, you need to drain the 8 cans of Monster Energy Drink that has swelled your kidney to the size of a cantaloupe.  Even if you never drop below 90 mph on the four-hour drive straight to Vegas, you can impress your friends with cool facts about the places you refuse to pull off at.

Ostrich Omelets And Buffalo Burgers

The scariest and most hazardous part of the drive to Vegas is traversing the Cajon Pass, a steep mountain pass known for car accidents, snow storms, wild fires, deadly encounters with NASCAR fans, and earthquakes — the San Andreas Fault runs right through the Cajon Pass.  Once you reach the summit, you can visit one of the few remaining historic U.S. Route 66 roadside diners left in California.  Summit Inn still features many of its original signs, like a Standard Oil sign with Mickey Mouse, but they’re known for having some unusual food like ostrich omelets and buffalo burgers.

The McDonald’s Train Station

The last relatively large town you’ll see before you hit over 200 miles of desert landscape is Barstow.  Right off the freeway there’s a place called Barstow Station.  There you will find a McDonald’s where you can eat your dollar burgers inside one of three side-by-side rail-road cars.  At one point, this was supposedly the largest McDonald’s in the world.  But what I find even more fascinating is that Barstow Station claims to have “the cleanest restrooms in all of Barstow.”

Case Del Desierto

Head down Main Street in Barstow and cross over an old iron bridge that’s set to collapse any day now, and you will find Casa del Desierto.  Today the building is home to the Route 66 Mother Road Museum, the Western America Rail Museum and the Barstow Area Chamber of Commerce.  But it was originally built as a Harvey House back in 1911.  Here’s a little history and fun wrapped in one: Harvey House’s were a chain of eateries located at railroad stations, and they’re considered to be the first restaurant chain ever.

The Oldest Del Taco

If you’re a connoisseur of the 59 cent taco such as myself, you probably love Del Taco, which is far superior in every way to the hideous and overpriced Taco Bell (79 cent tacos!? What a rip!).  I know it’s hard to imagine such deliciousness being even better, but at the oldest Del Taco franchise at 401 N. First Street in Barstow, they make fresh Mexican food that tastes like it came right out of an autentico pueblo.  It’s like being in Mexico without the drug war or kids trying to sell you Chiclets.

The Barstow Murals

You’ve seen the Harvey House, you’ve crossed the rusty bridge, you’ve gorged on McDonald’s and Del Taco, and you’re about to leave Barstow when you notice an interesting mural.  Then you see another one.  And another.  Murals depicting the history of the area in downtown Barstow are popping up all over town, and they’re becoming such a popular attraction that a group is now offering tours.  Let us know if it’s interesting; we’ll wait in an air conditioned car.

The Original Del Taco

While you still have the goodness of Del Taco in your mouth, check out the building where the original Casa del Taco stood in 1964.  Located at 38484 Yermo Rd. in Yermo, this little food shack is now an unreliable-sounding eatery called Tita’s Burger Den (which supposedly serves great shakes).  It still brandishes the original Casa del Taco sign.

Calico Ghost Town

Fans of panning for gold and gunfight stunt shows will probably enjoy a visit to Calico Ghost Town just a few miles off the I-15.  Called “The Official Silver Rush Ghost Town”, it’s a registered California historic monument, but it’ll cost you $10 to visit.  Just remember how far that $10 can go in Vegas: 10 beers; or 3 steak dinners in the middle of the night; or 1 lap dance at a second-tier strip club.

Is That A Waterpark In The Middle Of The Desert?

Smack dab in the middle of no where, you’ll pass the Lake Dolores Waterpark, also called Rock-A-Hoola, but better known as The Oasis That Never Was.  It’s no longer in business for obvious reasons — who would drive two hours into the hot dessert to go down a water slide? — but apparently the park was pretty popular in the 70′s and 80′s back when the more conveniently placed Raging Waters didn’t exist.  Here’s another fun fact for ya: officially the world’s first water park debuted in 1977, but Lake Dolores is unofficially called the first water park because it added water slides in the 1950′s.  That’s officially unofficial.

Zzyzx Isn’t Zazzy

About 8 miles before you hit the town of Baker, you’ll pass a street sign for an off-ramp that you’ll probably never get off at in fear that an encounter with the freaks from “The Hills Have Eyes” will lead to your zoothapsis (though perhaps I’m being zoilistic).  The street is called Zzyzx, and what makes this street so special is that it’s the lexicographically greatest place name.  What that confusing term means is that out of all the street and city names in the English language, Zzyzx is the very last one.  At least it sounds cooler than the nearly unprounable last word in the English dictionary: zyzzyva (a South American weevil).

The World’s Tallest Thermometer

I wouldn’t be surprised if the term “highway robbery” was invented in Baker.  The gas prices are insanely high, but chances are you’ve gotta fill up once on the way to Vegas.  You can get a snack at Alien Fresh Jerky (avoid the anal probe special) or an awesome strawberry shake at The Mad Greek Diner.  If for some ungodly reason you have a desire to sight-see, your one and only option is the World’s Tallest Thermometer.  It’s 134 feet high to commemorate the hottest temperature ever recorded in the U.S.: 134 °F in Death Valley in 1913.

World’s Tallest Roller Coaster… In 1996

The Desperado roller coaster at Buffalo Bill’s in Primm, Nevada was listed as the tallest roller coaster in the world by the Guinness Book of Records in 1996.  The record has been eclipsed since, but with a drop of 225 feet and top speeds around 80 mph, it’s still one of the biggest and badest roller coasters in the world.  The problem is that it’s often closed due to high winds that threaten to blow the coaster car off the track.

See The Car Bonnie & Clyde Were Killed In

Bonnie & Clyde is the stuff legends are made of.  Their incendiary run as outlaws ended violently on May 23rd, 1934 when cops fired 130 rounds at their car, hitting each of them 25 times.  Their bullet-riddled Ford is now on display at Terrible’s Primm Valley Casino Resort.  Nothing says party like a crime scene.

Al Capone’s Armored Car

So many rival gangsters tried to kill the infamous Al Capone in the ‘20’s and ‘30’s that he had his car retrofitted with lead-filled doors and glass one-inch thick.  Adjacent to the Bonnie & Clyde Death Car, you can check out the equally shot-up bullet-proof Dutch Schultz that once saved Capone’s left.  We wonder if Tupac’s car will be the next exhibit.

Whiskey Pete’s

There’s nothing particularly enticing about Whiskey Pete’s Resort & Casino at the Nevada state line in Primm, but I just love the back-story.  The hotel was named after Pete MacIntyre, a guy who illegally made whiskey in the mountain caves nearby.  Legend has it that when Pete died in 1933, he wanted to be buried standing up with a bottle in his hands.  His grave site remained unknown until workers constructing a monorail between the Primm hotels accidentally uncovered his body.  His body was then moved to the cave where he used to make moonshine.  It’s a heartwarming tale you can recount to your children before they go to bed.

The Nevada Landing Sign

32 miles outside of Vegas is a little town called Jean.  It’s not a place you’d want to spend a lot of time in considering that if any criminals escape from the nearby prison, they’ll probably stop into the only casino in town, the Gold Strike.  There used to be two casinos here, but in 2008 they demolished the Nevada Landing… except the sign.

Disneyland proclaims itself as “The Happiest Place On Earth.”  Most of the time, this is patently false; a serious case of misadvertising that deserves a little asterisk next to the title just to prevent a disgruntled family from suing. 

Usually Disneyland serves as a breeding ground for arguments and germs.  Everyone disagrees on which ride to go on next.  Families on the brink of crumbling utilize Tomorrowland as a therapist’s office.  The kids want toys the parents can’t afford, resulting in a threat to stop loving whichever frugal parental unit crushed their desire for more stuff they’ll never play with. 

As the bank accounts drain, the waits grow longer, and the sunburns become more painful, the crying, hissy fits, personal insults and overall contempt multiply like minor infections, morphing Disneyland into one of the least happy places on earth. 

Fortunately, that wasn’t the case this particular day. 

Cruella De Vil harasses a man selling balloons.

One of the perks of having a friend who works at Disneyland is that they can get you in for free, saving about $100 per person (if you’re going to both Disneyland and California Adventure).  Many of my friends decided to get “real jobs” long ago, abandoning their low-paying jobs at Disneyland, and subsequently my friendship. 

But Jackie’s friend Jenn knew someone who worked there and could get the three of us in.  This person has been added to my will. 

Free admission was a great start.  It got better when the parking attendant, who was blatantly staring at Jackie’s ample cleavage, gave us free parking, saving us $14.  “You’re cool.  I hooked it up.”  Awh, yeah, playa; that’s how you impress the ladies!  (He didn’t get Jackie’s number.) 

To top it all off, the wait for rides was short — like a pizza: 30 minutes or less — and the family-of-four count was relatively low, resulting in less arguments and divorces.  It was mainly teenagers, who can be equally as loud and annoying, much like a little girl throwing a temper tantrum because her family doesn’t want to go on Snow White for the tenth time in a row.  I like how teenagers cuss an unreasonable amount too, as if they just learned naughty words and need to use at least two in every sentence or risk forgetting it. 

The most adorable things in the entire park. Take that, Mickey. If you weren't a cartoon, you'd be exterminated anyway.

Rides And Attractions

One of the newest rides at Disneyland is Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters, a combination of ride and video game.  You sit in a slow moving spaceship and fire a hand-held laser gun at enemy targets to rack up points.  I sat in a ship by my lonesome, clutching both guns, and managed to amass a combined score of 72,400.  Not bad, but not great. 

Know how many Jackie got?  5,600.  I’m convinced Jackie didn’t know she had to aim for targets and accidentally accrued 5,600 points.  Solid score based on luck, piss poor score based on skill. 

I don’t like drops.  I’m not ashamed to admit that it took me over 20 years to build up the courage to tackle Splash Mountain and it’s 50-foot drop.  I still don’t particularly like the feeling that my stomach might revolt and cover my log mates in more than just water.  But I go on the ride anyway because the drop isn’t that bad. 

On this particular occasion, a mother was taking her two young kids on the ride for the first time.  She, too, hated drops.  I had to talk to her the whole ride and let know it was going to be okay even though I was one leg twitch away from wetting my pants.  After the drop, she said, “That wasn’t that bad.” 

The Haunted Mansion is a make-out ride.  Thank goodness it’s dark in there because I would hate to see what’s growing in those buggies.  If I had a black light, it would probably look like a crime scene from CSI. 

Captain EO is the corniest thing ever.  And I love it.  I also love that world class talent like George Lucas, Francis Ford Coppola and Michael Jackson teamed up to make a 3D movie experience with then cutting-edge technology and Captain Freakin’ EO was the best they could come up with.  Unfortunately, the new Captain EO Tribute isn’t as cool as what it used to be.  The seats wobble and vibrate for like half the show, even during unnecessary moments like the dance scenes when there’s no action.  It was really distracting.  You could get the same experience for a quarter at a sleazy motel.  During the show, I kept thinking, “If there was an earthquake right now, no one would know the difference.” 

If you have anything in your body that needs dislodging, ride the Matterhorn Bobsleds.  This clunky roller coaster opened in 1959, and has been bruising kneecaps ever since. 

The only reason to visit California Adventure is Soarin’ Over California, a ride where you sit in a seat that’s lifted into the air and pushed close to massive video screen that simulates the experience of hand gliding over various landscapes in California.  Not only do you get to see and hear California, you feel the mist from the waves of the ocean and smell the oranges from the groves in Orange County.  It’s worth the long wait. 

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad lacks thunder and really isn’t much of a mountain, but it sure is fun. 

The Food

Much like a fair or a sporting event, the food is just as big of an attraction. 

I’ve been to both parks plenty of times, but I tend to stay away from the long lines and exorbitant prices in the restaurants.  There could be some great food at the sits-down places, but I like eating fast and eating on the go.  Rides frequently break down and wait times can quickly balloon, so I like to stay on the move.  Here are my favorite quick eats at Disneyland and California Adventure (note that the food isn’t photogenic)… 

There’s an ice cream stand on the boardwalk near California Screamin’ inside California Adventure that serves the creamiest, smoothest ice cream I’ve ever had.  I think the only ingredients are sugar and triple-thick, quadruple-churned cream.  It’s unbelievably dense and rich. 

At Thanksgiving, the turkey leg is generally neglected.  But if grandma knew how to cook turkey like the chefs at Disneyland, people would fight for the leg, literally, like savage barbarians.  Eating a tender, juicy turkey leg is primal and messy and completely unattractive, but it’s also one of the most delicious things you can buy at the park.  There’s enough savory meat on one leg to fill you up for hours.  At $9, it’s a bit pricey, but it looks like a bargain compared to the unthinkably expensive corn on the cob which is $4.75. 

Across from the Indiana Jones ride is a little joint called the Bengal Barbeque where you can get deliciously sweet and savory meat on a skewer.  The skewer also doubles as a weapon if the teenagers act up. 

Walk to the end of Main Street and you’ll see a long line.  You’ll quickly notice that this isn’t a line for a ride.  No, it’s the line at the Little Red Wagon Corn Dog stand.  Yes, it’s that good.  I’m curious to see the list of ingredients because I’m pretty sure crack is in there. 

No matter how hot it gets, there’s never a bad time for warm clam chowder in a bread bowl.  People often mistake the line at Royal Street Veranda for the line to Pirates of Caribbean, it’s that long.  Can’t go wrong with New Orleans fritters for dessert. 

Unfortunately, the cleavage trick doesn’t work for getting free food. 

It’s 2010 and we still don’t have jetpacks. I thought a shiny new jetpack would be waiting at my doorstep on the first day of the new millennium with a note that read: “Thanks for waiting patiently for the future to arrive.  Here’s that jetpack we promised.”

Jetpacks are a traveler’s dream. We could travel wherever we want, whenever we want.  No more pat-downs from airport security guards who seem to enjoy their job too much.  Free from the bondage of economy seating, crying babies and airline food.  No more smelly old buses about to break apart, coughing people on crammed subways, or dangerous canoe rides down muddy rivers with jungle snakes large enough to swallow you whole.

But most importantly, jetpacks are a passport to travel to mysterious destinations, hard-to-reach locations, even places seen by few — if any –humans.  We could scour the globe in search of earth’s undiscovered treasures like a flying Indiana Jones.  (Fact: jetpacks will come with fedoras.)

We hold out hope that one day we’ll open the door and our jetpacks (and fedoras) will be waiting for us.  And when that day comes, we’ll be prepared.  There are so many places we want to visit that can only be reached through long, arduous journeys that quite frankly we’re too lazy to make.  So we’ve come up with a list of 12 places we’d visit if we had a jetpack. Here they are in no particular order…

Apocalypse Island

Located 414 miles off the coast of Chile, the Juan Fernández Islands are sometimes a port of call for boats making the long trek to Easter Island (which is another place in the middle of nowhere that we’d like to visit).  The largest island is called Robinson Crusoe Island, named after Alexander Selkirk, the inspiration for the novel, who was marooned on the island for over four years and had to live off rats and anything else he could kill. But that’s not even the most interesting thing about the islands.  Over a decade ago, anthropologist Jim Turner discovered what he believes is a long-lost Mayan monument that holds the secret to the end of days.  Turner believes that a pillar of rock on “Apocalypse Island” that looks like a face is one of the only places on earth to see the last two celestial events — the transit of Venus and total solar eclipse — that herald the end of the world according to the Maya: December 21st, 2012.

The view from Apocalypse Island of a total eclipse on November 13th, 2012.

Socotra Island

Travel 250 miles of the coast of Yemen to Socotra Island and you’ll think you traveled 250 light years to another planet.  Called “the most alien-looking place on earth,” Socotra Island features somewhere around 240 kinds of flora and fauna that are found nowhere else on earth.  The most famous attractions at this UNESCO World Natural Heritage Site are the Dragon’s Blood Tree, a tree that bleeds dark red sap, and the Desert Rose, which looks more like flowers growing out of an old person’s leathery leg.

Richat Structure

There are some places that look cooler from the sky than they do from the ground, and this is one of them.  The Richat Structure, also known as The Eye Of The Sahara, is located in the Sahara Desert in West Africa.  This 30-mile wide earth anomaly that looks like a bulls-eye has become a landmark for astronauts since it was first seen from space.  Originally it was believed the structure formed after a meteorite impact, but scientists now think it’s just an unusual formation caused by erosion.

Penguin Island

In the Straight of Magellan at the southern tip of Chile is a small island called Magdalena Island that is only inhabited by one thing: penguins.  Well, I shouldn’t say one thing; it’s actually inhabited by over 60,000 of them.  The island apparently stinks from all the poop and pee and rotting fish carcasses, but we wouldn’t mind looking at the adorable Magellanic Penguins from above.

Tsingy de Bemaraha

Near the western coast of Madagascar is an unusual forest that has been catalogued as a UNESCO World Heritage Site.  The reason that this place is so unusual is that it is not a forest of trees… rather, a forest of stone.  Tsingy, which means “where one cannot walk barefoot,” is made up of limestone peaks as sharp as knives.  But visitors are willing to risk life and limb to catch a glimpse of a rare ghostly white lemur called Decken’s sifaka.  Cute as it is, we’re not getting near this place unless it’s with a jetpack.

The North Pole

If you could only come up with one good reason to invent the jetpack, the North Pole would be it.  Nobody wants to spend weeks traversing harsh terrain in sub-freezing temperatures just to get to the northernmost point on earth and find out there is no Santa.  We just want to fly to the North Pole with a cup of hot chocolate in hand, say we’ve been there, and quickly make our way to Bora Bora to defrost.

Area 51

What is supposed to be one of the most secret places on earth is actually the most well-known.  The conspiracy theories surrounding the military base at Groom Lake, Nevada range from reverse engineering alien spacecraft to time travel technology to transcontinental underground railway systems. We think extraterrestrial life is probably out there… just not at Area 51.  But it would be cool to catch a glimpse of this little-seen base, even if we have to dodge tazers and ray-guns to get there.

The Door To Hell

When people tell me to go to hell, I say, “I want to, but it’s too far.”  I’d have to travel all the way to Derweze, a small village in the desert of Turkmenistan, to find The Door To Hell.  There you will see a 328-foot wide cavern of natural gas that’s been burning continuously for 39 years with no end in sight.

Mirny Diamond Mine

The diamond mind in Mirny, Russia, a small town in eastern Siberia, is the second largest man-made hole in the world.  At 1,722 meters deep, it takes one hour to drive to the bottom.  We really want to see it for ourselves, but we couldn’t get too close… even with a jetpack.  That’s because the airspace above the mine is closed due to helicopters being sucked into the hole by downward air flow.

Mount Everest

Thousands of people every year climb 29,029 feet all the way to the top of the tallest mountain on earth; but seeing as how we get winded climbing a flight of stairs, I don’t think we’ll ever have a chance to overlook the Himalayas from the summit of Mount Everest… unless it’s with a jetpack.  From there you can play a game called “Eye Spy A Dead Body” where you try to find the corpses of climbers who perished in the aptly-titled “death zone” that were left on the mountain.

Angel Falls

In the movie “Up”, an old man with an adventurous spirit embarks on a journey to the wilds of South America in search of Paradise Falls.  If only he had a jetpack instead of a house tied to balloons things would have been much easier.  Angel Falls, located in Venezuela, was the inspiration for Paradise Falls.  At 3,212 feet, it’s the largest waterfall in the world, and also a registered UNESCO World Heritage Site.

Antarctica

Captain Kirk had it wrong when he called Space the final frontier.  The earth must be conquered before we head to the stars.  That’s why the title of “final frontier” really belongs to Antarctica, one of the last unexplored lands on earth.  Even though 98% of Antarctica is covered by ice, the continent is actually considered a desert because it only receives 8 inches of precipitation a year.  In fact, one of the driest places on earth is on Antarctica: the McMurdo Dry Valleys.  Antarctica is also home to the largest glacier in the world, Lambert Glacier, at 60 miles wide and 250 miles long.  But perhaps Antarctica’s most interesting feature is Blood Falls.  Here, a primordial ooze rich in iron bleeds out of Taylor Glacier.  Inside the ooze scientists discovered something mysterious, something never before seen in nature: a microbe that has survived over 1.5 million years without heat, light or oxygen.

Earth is full of so many interesting destinations that are rarely visited by people.  But before we tell you about more places we’d like to visit, we want to know:  Where would you travel if you had a jetpack?

The Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, California is one of the most beautiful mansions in the world.

It’s also one of the most bizarre.  Windows in the floor.  Doors that open to a two-story drop.  Secret passageways.  Stairways to nowhere (which could have been a famous song by Led Zep had they ever written it).

Why such an odd construction?  It was built by ghosts.

The mansion was the brainchild of Sarah Winchester, the wife of William Wirt Winchester, who was the heir to the Winchester rifle fortune.  After her infant daughter and husband died, Sarah Winchester sought the guidance of a spiritualist.

Webs appear throughout the mansion to catch bad spirits.

The Boston Medium explained to her that her family was cursed by the ghosts of all those who died by the “The Gun That Won West.”  The only way to appease the spirits and save her life was to move west and use her blood money to build the spirits a house.

A window in the floor.

Legend has it that Mrs. Winchester literally let the spirits design the house.  She would conduct nightly séances where good spirits would give her instructions that she passed to her foreman every morning.

The ceilings are low because Sarah Winchester was less than five feet tall.

That turned the mansion into a sprawling 7-story maze of 160 rooms, 47 stairways and 13 bathrooms.  In fact, the number 13 appears quite a bit in the house: rooms with 13 windows, walls with 13 panels, chandeliers with 13 candles.

13 coat hooks.

The unusual design of the mansion was also spawned by Mrs. Winchester’s attempts to disorient evil spirits that were stalking her.  She allegedly never slept in the same room two nights in a row and would often sneak through secret passages to deter ghosts… because ghosts can’t pass through walls or anything.

Windows look into other rooms throughout the mansion.

Mrs. Winchester also believed that if construction never stopped, she would live forever.  So her crew worked around-the-clock, even on weekends and holidays, for 38 straight years, until Mrs. Winchester died of heart failure in 1922.  Today, her eccentric $5.5 million construction (that’s around $20 million in today’s money) still remains in an unfinished state… which I’m sure didn’t look good on the architect’s resumé.

The tour of the house was an informative and entertaining look inside the mind of a woman gone mad.  And you have to stay with the group, because if you get lost, they literally have to send a search and rescue team to find you (if the bad ghosts haven’t gotten you yet).  I always had the feeling that one wrong turn would lead us into a portal to nowhere; after all, the mansion is basically a mirror maze away from becoming a carnival fun house.

Overlooking the mansion from the highest point.

Unlike the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, however, when you leave you don’t hear a man say, “…and a ghost will follow you home!”  Bummer — that would have been a cheap souvenir.

Portland is way cooler than we expected.  Not that we thought it would be boring.  But, admittedly, we underestimated Portland.  It’s a big city that doesn’t feel big.  It’s quiet and calm, so naturally we assumed that meant there wasn’t much to do there.

Turns out there’s a lot.  We feel like we got a pretty good taste of this artsy, environmentally-friendly, and often strange city — there’s a reason visitors often see “Keep Portland Weird” signs — in just two days.

Had we not visited Portland as our last stop on our Olympic road trip, we would have done much more.  Portland will always be there.  The Olympics won’t be back for another four years.  So the Games took precedence.

Here’s what we managed to do during our 2 days in Portland:

Inn at Northrup Station

The Inn at Northrup Station in Northwest Portland is awesome!  Free parking.  Free wireless internet.  Free continental breakfast.  And, best of all, free candy!  We ate more Tootsie Pops in our three-night stay than every Halloween combined.

The rooms are incredibly spacious — we had a bed, a sofa bed, two flat screen HDTVs and a kitchenette — and the design is colorful, quirky and retro with a modern twist.

The only down side is that there is a tram station right outside the hotel, and when the tram rolls into the station, it sounds like a small earthquake.  Fortunately the beds were soft enough to neutralize the rumble.

Laughing Planet Cafe

A few blocks from our hotel was the Laughing Planet Cafe.  The food and the atmosphere perfectly represent Portland.  It’s fun and fresh.  Steamed instead of fried.  And the decor reminded me of my room as a kid with toys of dinosaurs battling robots — when will someone make a Dinosaur Vs. Robot movie?

The steamed plantains with tangy BBQ sauce appetizer was unique and tasty.  And my southwest burrito with chicken, corn and black beans in a whole wheat tortilla was so fresh it didn’t feel dense.

Bunk Sandwiches

We couldn’t wait to try Bunk Sandwiches after we saw it on “Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives” on Food Network.  The sandwiches are a little more expensive than Subway — $8 average — but the only person who doesn’t think Subway is crap is Jared (and they pay him to say that).

The pulled pork sandwich with apple cabbage slaw was so sweet and savory and delicious that I had to go back the next day and get another.  That sandwich turned out to be very expensive.  Why?

Because we got a parking ticket.  If there’s anything bad to say about Bunk, it’s that the shop is very small and there is little parking.  And even the parking that is available on the street has weird rules and regulations that suburbanites like us aren’t used to.

But that’s not even the worst part.  The worst part is that because we got a ticket, we missed the first ten minutes of the USA vs. Finland semifinal hockey game.  And in those ten minutes, USA scored six goals.  How many goals did they score the rest of the game?  ZERO.

Inmates And Rainbows

Thirty minutes outside of Portland is Multnomah Falls, the second largest year-round waterfall in the country.  On our way there, we stopped at Vista House at Crown Point to overlook the Columbia River Gorge.

It was there that we saw the brightest rainbow any of us had ever seen.  It looked impossibly tangible, like we could slide down it.  The scene was so surreal, we expected a unicorn to show up just to prove we were dreaming.

Instead… we got inmates.

That’s right, a wagon full of criminals in orange jumpsuits arrived moments later to perform clean-up duty.  Surprisingly, there was no talk of shanking.  They were just as awestruck by the rainbow as we were.

The officer even made them line up against the wall to take a group photo with the rainbow.  Instead of saying “cheese,” one of the inmates proudly yelled, “incarceration!”

We eventually asked the officer to take a picture of the three of us.  He took our camera and said, “Okay, on three say ‘Freedom!’.”

Multnomah Falls

The road to Multnomah Falls on the Historic Columbia River Highway is steep, winding and a little scary… but it’s totally worth it to see the breathtaking 620-foot waterfall.

I’ve never seen a waterfall in real life, so this was one of the coolest things I had ever seen.  The view was spectacular, and the feeling of the cold mist hitting my face was invigorating.

On the short trail leading to the footbridge that spans the second tier of the waterfall we ran into the same people we sat next to at Bunk Sandwiches just an hour prior.  I told him that we had just left the Olympics, and he said he was on his way there to watch his cousin compete in snowboarding.

We’re certainly not fit enough to walk the trail to the top of the waterfall, so we visited the Multnomah Falls Lodge, which was built in 1925.

Inside, there is a USDA Forest Service Visitor Center that features a cool exhibit that shows the early development of salmon native to the area.  Inside glass jars, you can see salmon at different stages in their early life cycle from embryo to eyed egg to small fish.

Le Bistro Montage

We almost didn’t go here despite the glowing reviews.  The restaurant is tucked under a bridge in a dark and unsavory looking part of town.  We thought the reviews were just a ploy to mug unsuspecting tourists like us.

Luckily, we didn’t let the location fool us.  The place was packed, the staff was funny and helpful, and the comfort food was great.  We tried a variety of mac and cheese dishes, and even sampled an unusual appetizer… alligator bites.

Contrary to popular belief, alligator doesn’t taste like chicken.  It tastes like a chicken, a cow and a fish had a three-way and this was what was birthed.  The land and sea taste didn’t work for me.  Neither did the chewiness.  But if I didn’t eat that alligator, chances are it would have eaten me.

World Forestry Center

This is a place to take kids who are easily impressed.  For us, it wasn’t really worth the $8 admission.

Even though the World Forestry Center was renovated only five years ago, it still feels old and out of date.  The information about forests and their importance to the global ecosystem read like it was pulled out of a text book.

Luckily, interactive exhibits alleviate the boredom.  The white water rafting simulation didn’t work when we were there, but we jumped inside the raft anyway.  We also enjoyed the smoke jumper simulation where you sit in a harness and guide your parachute toward a target in a simulated forest beneath your feet. I sucked at it.

During our visit, there was a small exhibition about cacao.  It would have been better if we got to taste chocolate.

The coolest thing we saw in the World Forestry Center was a tree stump… with a gun sticking out of it.

50 years ago, someone had stuck a .22 caliber rifle in the crotch of this tree.  And as the tree continued to grow, it absorbed most of the gun.  Today it’s called the Armed Willow.

Powell’s City Of Books

It may not be the Library of Alexandria, but it makes Barnes & Noble look like a garage sale.  This is nirvana for book nerds.

Powell’s City of Books calls itself the largest independent new and used bookstore in the world.  I don’t doubt that claim.  You literally need a map to navigate this place.

We spent about two hours looking through various sections and barely scratched the surface.  The coolest thing about the store is that you’ll find new books sitting next to rare books published decades ago.  It gives you the feeling that you may discover something special that nobody knows about, like when that kid found The Neverending Story.

Ghosts And Pizza

Your order number at Old Town Pizza is a playing card.

Over 100 years ago, the building that Old Town Pizza now occupies used to be a hotel with a shady reputation.  Underneath the former Merchant Hotel is a secret passageway called a Shanghai Tunnel.

Back when Portland was known as a rough and tumble port city, an unsuspecting person in the wrong place at the wrong time would fall through a trap door into a Shanghai Tunnel and be sold into slave labor.

One of the victims of the Shanghai Tunnel was Nina, a young woman sold into prostitution.  Soon after becoming an unwilling woman of the night, Nina was found dead at the bottom of an elevator shaft in the hotel.

The scary thing is… she never left.  The ghost of Nina reportedly moves objects, turns on water, turns off lights and occasionally appears in the dark crevices of Old Town Pizza.

The original check-in desk from the Merchant Hotel is where you place your order.

The story is great, but the food is even better.  We enjoyed thin crust pizzas that were fresh, hot and not too filling.  For our starter, we had garlic knots, a light and airy twisted piece of bread drenched in garlic and seasoning.  Thank goodness we’re single because no one would kiss us after eating those.

Voodoo Doughnut

If you’re not a doughnut lover, Voodoo Doughnut will convert you.  Case in point: we went to their downtown location with our friend Ashley who insisted she wouldn’t get a doughnut because she doesn’t like them.  She got three.

Voodoo Doughnut is not your regular doughnut store.  It’s an experience.

There are two locations, but the one you really must visit is Voodoo Doughnut Too.  At this 24-hour location, you can play pinball, sit in a chair that looks like a coffin… and even get married.

Yes, you can legally wed at Voodoo Doughnut Too.

But why waste your money on getting married when you can plop down $100 to get three dozen doughnuts inside a small wooden coffin?  (Single donuts will run you $1 to $5 each.)

With so much dark humor and sexual innuendo, don’t expect to find a church group visiting.  One of their popular doughnuts is the Cock ‘N Balls (guess what it looks like) and their slogans are “The Magic Is In The Hole” and “Good Things Come In Pink Boxes.”

But what Voodoo Doughnut is really known for is its maple bacon doughnut.  Yes, they really serve a doughnut with bacon.

The maple bacon bar is a large and fluffy raised doughnut blanketed with a thick layer of sweet maple frosting, topped with two pieces of crispy bacon.  It may sound disturbing, but the sweet and salty combination of flavors is one of the most delicious things I’ve ever eaten.

Voodoo Doughnut isn’t just famous for its creative concoctions… it’s famous for simply having a damn good doughnut.