Ziploc just released the results from their Fresh Eating Survey, where they took a look at what people across the U.S. are eating.

“Fresh” cities are those where residents are seeking and eating the freshest food options available, through farmer’s markets and gardening habits.

Less fresh cities were generally metro areas where residents faced obstacles to eating fresh, like high prevalence of fast food options.

Here are some key findings from the study:

• Across the country, 89 percent of Americans feel like a good parent when their family’s diet contains fresh foods.
•  There are 1.45 farmers markets per every 100,000 Americans, but 60.1 fast food establishments.  The rate of farmers markets are higher on the East Coast, with 3.84 per 100,000 Americans in Albany, New York.
•  People eat fresher near coastlines.  Half the top 10 freshest cities are on the West Coast, and three are in California’s Bay Area alone.  Only one Southern city scored in the top 10: Richmond, Virginia.
• Texas is a mixed “fresh” state.  It’s home to one of the freshest metro areas in the country with Austin, Texas, but it’s also home to three of the least fresh areas: San Antonio, Dallas-Fort Worth, and Houston.

Here are the 10 freshest cities in the country:

1.  Hartford, Connecticut

2.  San Francisco

3.  Sacramento, California

4.  Portland, Oregon

5.  San Jose, California

6.  Richmond, Virginia

7.  Austin-Round Rock, Texas

8.  Boston

9.  Washington, D.C.

10.  Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota

Ziploc is also running a contest on their Facebook page where fans can enter to win a “fresh food” trip to New York City that includes:

• A trip for two for the “ultimate culinary experience” in America’s food capital, New York City.
• The opportunity to meet Rachael Ray and swap recipes and hear her first-hand tips for keeping things fresh in the kitchen.
• And the opportunity to dine at the most sought after “fresh” restaurants in New York City.

You can enter by “liking” the Ziploc Facebook page and posting a FreshOver food idea in the form of a recipe or tip.

We’re not sure when or even why this happened, but recently food trucks have become really popular.

Yep, food trucks, roach coaches, mobile food poison dispensaries; those dirty looking trucks that hang outside construction sites and car washes selling mystery meats that even dogs would be afraid to eat.

Or at least that’s how most of us used to view food trucks.  But times have changed.

Food trucks aren’t as plain as a Denny’s on wheels anymore.  They sell more than just defrosted burgers and overcooked scrambled eggs.

Food trucks have themes.  They sell gourmet versions of a particular genre of food using high quality ingredients.

But you have to be in the loop to find them.  Usually the only way to find out where these food trucks are located is through word of mouth or to follow them on Twitter.

And even then, if you arrive late, you might stand in line for an hour… and the food will still sell out.

That’s why we were really excited to attend the first ever Orange County Foodie Fest this past weekend.

The event pulled together 49 of the top food trucks from Southern California and put ‘em all in one lot so 8,500 people could try some great food that’s normally hard to find.  There was supposed to be 50 trucks, but the dim sum truck didn’t show.

We spent five hours jumping from truck to truck, spending about 20 minutes in line at each one, but it was totally worth the achy feet and scorching sunburn.  Here’s what we sampled:

Nom Nom Truck

This was by far the most popular truck at OC Foodie Fest.  We hit this food truck first and we’re lucky we did because the wait was ridiculously long by mid-afternoon… and we can see why.  They serve amazing bánh mì, which is a Vietnamese sandwich served on a French baguette and stuffed with cilantro, pickled carrots, peppers, mayo and choice of meat, the best being pork.

Piaggio On Wheels

Ever since the Buenos Aires trip we’ve been craving Argentine food.  So we were stoked to find out about Piaggio On Wheels.  The skirt steak taco with chimichurri sauce and the pulled pork slider were nice, but it just wasn’t the same.

White Rabbit Truck

Southern California has a big Asian population and a big Mexican population, so it makes sense that a lot of food trucks like White Rabbit fuse the two together to make Asian tacos and burritos.  The craze started with the Kogi truck, which serves Korean BBQ tacos, and now White Rabbit is gaining popularity for their Filipino tacos.  They were just okay.  The pork sisig, which is fried pork, was too salty and chewy, and the chicken adobo was a little dry.  But this was probably just a bad sample.  They were more concerned with their Man Versus Food-style eating challenge where contestants had to eat a 6-pound burrito in 30 minutes.  Just look how big they were:

Chunk-N-Chip Cookies

It was getting pretty hot, and since there was no shaded area, the only way to cool down was with an ice cream sandwich.  Here’s why that tactic didn’t necessarily work: Chunk-N-Chip makes ice cream sandwiches using fresh baked, hot-out-of-the-oven cookies, then smashes a scoop of ice cream in the middle.  The problem is that the warm cookies melt the ice cream, making for a messy yet delicious affair.  I went with the brownie cookie with mint chocolate chip ice cream, and Jackie had the chocolate chip cookie with rocky road ice cream.  Yes, they were as dense as they sound.  They took second place in the “Best of the Fest” competition.

Ta Bom

Dessert wasn’t going to stop us from having more food, so we went to the Brazilian food truck and got a sirloin steak taco and a chicken taco.  They were both pretty good but the service was unbelievably slow.  And I’m still afraid of what the side effects are from drinking that Guarana drink that tasted like Red Bull.

Seabirds

We needed a break from all that dense food, so we went for something that usually scares us: vegetarian food.  The beer battered avocado taco with tequila-jalapeno sauce was refreshing, but the real hit was the jerk jackfruit taco, which had jerk seasoned jackfruit topped with green salsa.  It kind of freaked me out at first because the taste and texture was oddly similar to skirt steak, but once I got my head around the fact that I was eating a fruit and not meat, I felt proud for taking the healthy alternative.  Plus it helped me ignore my mental calorie counter, which was reaching a frightening number.

Longboards Ice Cream

It was getting inexplicably hotter as the sun was setting and we knew we had to finish the day with dessert, so we stopped at Longboards for a coconut ice cream bar dipped in Ghirardelli dark chocolate and rolled in coconut shavings.  It really didn’t have the refreshing effect I was expecting, but it was pretty damn good.

The trucks were separated into sections with funny names based on cities in Orange County, like Eaterheim for Anaheim, Foodport Beach for Newport Beach, and our favorite, based on Huntington Beach…

We didn’t get to try other places like the sushi food truck called Fishlips…

…or the French fry truck that served sweet potato fries with Nutella and peanut butter, or the double-decker bus serving World Fare…

…or the pizza by the slice truck, or the crepes truck…

…or even the meatball truck called Great Balls On Tires…

But overall, the OC Foodie Fest rocked.  Yeah, it was a pretty expensive day — tickets were $12 a person, parking $15, and each truck cost between $6 – $10 — but we look at it this way: we’d wind up paying way more in gas to drive to these food trucks in parts unknown in L.A.  So we’ll pay gladly a premium to have ‘em all in one place.

Next time, though, I won’t wear a belt.  There’s really no point.  Unless you want to see if you can actually snap a belt by ballooning in size.

Welcome to the first edition of our “Where To Travel In…” series, where we tell you about the best places to travel each month.  We’ll let you know about everything from holiday celebrations to strange championships to weird and wacky festivals worldwide.

We thought August would be good starting point because, honestly, August is a let down.  It’s like the Debbie Downer of the months.   Every other month has a holiday… not August.  It marks the end of summer and heralds back to school and cold weather.  Pretty lame.

That’s why it’s important to end summer with a bang.  And here are some of the best places to do it.  Let’s start with the major festivals in August…

La Tomatina & La Raima – Valencia, Spain

August 25 & 27

Every year on the last Wednesday of August, the small town of Buñol swells from 9,000 to over 30,000 for La Tomatina, the most famous food fight in the world.  For one hour, shirtless men and women dressed in white hurl 150,000 crushed tomatoes at each other to celebrate the end of summer.  I don’t know what is about Spain and food fights, but La Raima, the world’s largest grape fight, also takes place in the province of Valenica, in the town of Pobla del Duc, only two days after La Tomatina.

Burning Man – Black Rock Desert, Nevada

August 30 – September 6

For one week, this normally quiet desert playa in Nevada is converted into a temporary city where there are no rules (which means lots of naked people and some drug use) and everyday is a party.  The city is governed by a set of 10 principles (that sound like an artsy version of the ten commandments) and can only succeed if each one of the 45,000 attendees contributes to the community.  Burning Man culminates with the burning of a 40-foot tall wooden man, and after the event is over, the participants leave no trace of the city’s existence.

Notting Hill Carnival – London, England

August 29 – 30

For two days during the August bank holiday in England, 20 miles of street in Notting Hill are shut down to hold one of the largest street festivals in the world.  London’s version of Carnival features parades with Caribbean immigrants dressed in flamboyant costumes, steel drum bands, colorful floats, hundreds of Caribbean food stalls, and over 40 sound systems that keep the party going all the night.  It’s estimated that 750,000 people will attend this year.

Edinburgh Festival Fringe – Edinburgh, Scotland

August 6 – 30

3 weeks.  259 venues.  2,453 shows.  40,254 performances.  74,000 visitors… a day.  That’s what makes the Edinburgh Festival Fringe the largest art festival in the world.  Performances range from theater to comedy to dance and everything in between.

Here are some of the biggest MUSIC FESTIVALS FROM AROUND THE WORLD…

Sziget Festival – Budapest, Hungary

August 11 – 16

All 266 acres of Old Buda Island, located in the middle of the river Danube, are converted into a playground of music, theater, sports and life-size foosball during the Sziget Festival, one of Europe’s largest music and cultural festivals.  It’s been described as Europe’s answer to Burning Man, but way more mainsteam (and with a lot less nudity).  Around 400,000 people are expected to watch over 1,000 performances, with headliners like 30 Seconds to Mars, Muse and Iron Maiden.

Reading And Leeds Festivals – Reading & Leeds, England

August 27 – 29

The bank holiday weekend in the United Kingdom is cause for massive celebration, and the Reading and Leeds music festivals are two of the biggest and most prestigious events.  150,000 people will pack into both sites combined each day to watch headliners Guns N’ Roses, Weezer, Paramore and Blink-182.

Lollapalooza – Chicago, Illinois

August 6 – 8

Green Day, Lady Gaga and Arcade Fire are just a few of the bands headlining this year’s Lollapalooza, an annual music and art festival that celebrates music from all genres, dance, comedy and crafts.  Over 100 acts will perform on 8 different stages in Grant Park.

Elvis Week – Memphis, Tennessee

August 10 – 16

The world’s largest Elvis festival took place last month in Collingwood, Ontario, Canada, but die hard fans make the trek every year to celebrate the life of Elvis at his Graceland home.  A week of trivia, contests, tours, tribute concerts and look alike contests culminates with a candle light vigil at Elvis’ grave on the anniversary of his death, August 16, 1977.

Here some interesting and bizarre SPORTS CONTESTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD…

Palio di Siena – Siena, Italy

August 16

Twice a year (July 2 and August 16), the Piazza del Campo in the center of Palio di Siena becomes a makeshift racetrack in which ten horseback riders representing the city’s wards (called contrades) race around the track three times for a hand painted silk banner and bragging rights.  The 90-second spectacle attracts around 50,000 people, with 28,000 packed into the center of the racetrack.  Before and after the race, the city is a scene of massive feasts and musical performances.

U.S. Open Sandcastle Competition – Imperial Beach, California

August 6 – 8

The U.S. Open Sandcastle Competition is the largest sandcastle sculpting competition in the U.S., attracting over 325,000 spectators a year.  This is perhaps the only time of the year that sand isn’t annoying.

Air Guitar World Championship – Oulu, Finland

August 25 – 28

The people behind the Air Guitar World Championship believe that air guitar is not just silly and entertaining, it promotes world peace.  Performers are judged on a 6.0 grade scale with the winner being the most exaggerated, theatrical, over the top air guitarist and lip syncher in the world.

The Gay Games – Cologne, Germany

July 31 – August 6

The Gay Games is the largest sporting event in the world exclusively for homosexual athletes.  Like the Olympics, the Gay Games take place every four years, and features 25 events from both Olympic and Summer Games.

World Gold Panning Championships – Zlate Hory, Czech Republic

August 16 – 22

The gold rush may have ended over a hundred years ago, but that hasn’t stopped people from panning for gold.  And the best in the world will assemble in the Czech Republic to compete in the World Gold Panning Championships.

A few competitions from our list of 15 Strange Sports Festivals And World Championships also  go down in August.  There’s the World Bog Snorkeling Championship in Llanwrtyd Wells, Wales on August 29th, the World Sauna Championships in Heinola, Finland on August 6th & 7th, and the Sumo Suit Athletics World Championship in London, England on August 14th.

Try some food at one of these FOOD FESTIVALS FROM AROUND THE WORLD…

La Pourcailhade – Trie Sur Baïse, France

August 8

The Pig Festival is a celebration of our favorite fat animal friends.  There’s a pork sausage eating contest, piglet races, a piggy costume competition, and the highlight of the day: The French Pig-Squealing Championships, where contests try to imitate pig noises.

63rd Annual Maine Lobster Festival – Rockland, Maine

August 4 – 8

Over 20,000 pounds of famous Maine lobster will be cooked inside the world’s largest lobster cooker at the Maine Lobster Festival.  There’s also a parade, a tour of a Navy ship and all-you-can-eat blueberry pancakes to soak up all that dipping butter.

Get cultured at these TRADITIONAL FESTIVALS FROM AROUND THE WORLD…

Puck Fair – Killorglin, Ireland

August 10 – 12

100,000 people will converge on this small town to celebrate the oldest fair in Ireland.  Puck Fair begins when a group of people head into the mountains to catch a goat.  The goat is then taken into the center of town where it is crowned King Puck and put on display for three straight days as people dance and drink wildly.

Obon Festival – Japan

August 13 – 16

For over 500 years, people from all over Japan have celebrated the Buddhist tradition of Obon, where families gather together to pay respects to their ancestors… and the spirits of the ancestors return to earth.  On the night of the 15th, people light a candle inside a paper lantern and send it down a river so the spirits can return to the afterlife.  The celebration is marked by a folk dance called bon odori; the dance varies from town to town, but anyone can participate.

Aomori Nebuta Matsuri – Aomori, Japan

August 2 – 7

Nebuta Festivals began as a way of waking up sleepy souls in preparation for the fall harvest.  The festivals are characterized by parades featuring massive illuminated floats of samurai warriors.  Nebuta Festivals take place all over Japan, but the most famous celebration is in the city of Aomori.  The last night of the festival is the biggest, with the best three floats being cast off into the ocean, and culminating with a fireworks show.

Finally, let’s explore some of the strange and unusual FESTIVALS AND EVENTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD…

70th Annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally – Sturgis, South Dakota

August 8 – 15

The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally is the oldest and largest motorcycle rally in the world.  Every year over 400,000 motorcyclists come to show off their bikes, drink, perform tricks, drink, make new friends, drink, check out biker babes in very little clothing, drink, and get into enough trouble to fill the local jail.

Humungus Fungus Festival – Crystal Falls, Michigan

August 12 – 15

This festival lives up to its name.  Crystal Falls is home to the oldest and largest living organism on earth: a mushroom that covers 38 acres, weighs over 100 tons, and is believed to be upwards of 10,000 years old.  The main event at the Humungus Fungus Festival is eating a 10 foot by 10 foot mushroom pizza, the largest fungus pizza in the world.

Hemp Parade – Berlin, Germany

August 7

Potheads takes to the streets to get their message across at the Hanfparade, the largest hemp legalization demonstration in Europe.

28th International Regatta of Bathtubs – Dinant, Belgium

August 15

20,000 people come from far and wide to watch a hundreds of uniquely designed floating bathtubs take to the water for a chance to win various prizes.  The International Regatta of Bathtubs starts out innocently but usually turns into a giant water fight.

Testicle Festival – Clinton, Montana

August 4 – 8

Last year, 10,000 people made their way to the Testicle Festival to eat over 5,000 pounds of deep fried bull testicles.  But that’s not even the main attraction.  This adults only event features a wet t-shirt contest, a hairy chest contest, and Bullshit Bingo, where people try to guess when a cow will drop a dookie.

Twins Days Festival – Twisburg, Ohio

August 6 – 8

Biological twins from all over the world head to Twinsburg, Ohio for the annual Twins Day Festival, the largest gathering of twins in the world.

Worthing International Birdman – Worthing, West Sussex, UK

August 14 & 15

The Worthing International Birdman is one of the more popular birdman competitions in the world, where people attempt to fly off a pier using self-made aircraft or elaborate costumes… but the result is always a crash into the water.

Bolas de Fuego – Nejapa – El Salvador

August 31st

Most people stay away from El Salvador because of the danger.  But in the case of Bolas de Fuego (which translates to Balls of Fire), it’s the danger that brings people to El Salvador.  In honor of a volcanic eruption in 1917, young people take to the streets of Nejapa every August 31st to hurl fireballs at each other.  It looks incredibly violent, but surprisingly injurires are rare.

That’s a packed line-up.  I guess August isn’t the downer it used to be.

Are there any other cool or unusual festivals, contests, celebrations or events you want to see on this list?  If so, leave a comment below, and we’ll add it to future editions.

One of the great privileges of traveling is trying street food in other countries.  But how much does it suck to return home and not be able to get that food again?

Well, we don’t have to worry about that problem anymore thanks to a restaurant called Street in Los Angeles.

This up-scale eatery from chef and TV personality Susan Feniger has gathered street food from all over the world and put them under one roof.

Now, the food isn’t as cheap as it would be from a street cart, but at least you don’t have to worry about contracting food poisoning.

Even though the menu at Street isn’t that extensive, you’re bound to find some interesting flavors from nearly every continent.  Here’s what we tried:

Brazilian Acaraje – crispy black eyed pea fritters topped with a sweet and spicy citrus cabbage and chile sauce.  The dish comes with four fritters and each one is a two-biter.

Cheese Grits – creamy Southern-style grits made with butter and white cheddar cheese. A surprisingly light dish without an overwhelming cheese flavor.

Mexican Ricotta Noquis – light and airy sheep’s milk ricotta formed into small dumplings and simmered until they literally melt in your mouth.  They’re topped with two salsas: a mild, citrusy green tomatillo and a smoky chipotle.  The dumplings are delicate and nicely pick up the flavors of the salsas.

Smashed Potatoes – mashed Yukon gold potatoes that have been lightly fried to create a crisp outside and creamy inside. The mashed potato fries are topped with sour cream, chives and pink peppercorns that give the dish a real pop.

Vietnamese Corn – a dense dish consisting of corn sauteed with small chunks of pork belly, chile peppers and scallions.  Unfortunately the super salty fish sauce really overwhelmed the sweetness of the corn and pork.

Kaya Toast – by far our favorite dish.  This Malaysian sensation features toasted white bread topped with an egg, sugar and coconut milk spread, and served with a soft fried egg drizzled with soy sauce.  Once you dip the sandwich into the egg, you get these great complimentary flavors and textures of sweet and salty, custardy and crunchy.  It’s expensive for what it is, but here’s how I justify it: it’s cheaper than flying to Malaysia to get Kaya toast.

The food was so good, almost like taking a mini culinary vacation to various places around the world, but I wish the menu was more comprehensive.  It would be cool to go to a restaurant that had just about every popular street food in the world, even the big things like tacos from Mexico City or sausage from Germany or crepes from France.

But until that happens, we get to enjoy unique foods from exotic countries we may never get a chance to visit — all in one place.  And that makes Street a travel destination in and of itself.

Susan Feniger’s Street
742 North Highland Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90038-3415
(323) 203-0500
www.eatatstreet.com

If you want a good beer, travel to Germany.  But if you want the strongest beer on the planet, head to the Netherlands.

Last week, a Scottish brewery called BrewDog released a beer that was 55% percent alcohol — the highest ever.

They only made 12 bottles, each of which was stuffed inside a dead animal and sold for about $750.

Not to be outdone, a Dutch brewery called The Refrigerated Ship just came out with a brew that’s 60% alcohol by volume — that’s 120 proof — making it the world’s strongest beer.

The brew is called “Start The Future” and a bottle sells for only 35 euros.

More alcohol for less money?  At that point, does it really matter what it tastes like?

Sure, we’re still going through a recession, but some people are willing to pay a lot of money for extravagant food… no matter how unnecessary it is.

If you’re one of those people who likes to eat well when you travel (and by “well” I mean “expensive”), head to New York’s Serendipty3.

This luxury restaurant is famous for going over the top, having twice made it into the Guinness World Records for offering the World’s Most Expensive Ice Cream Sundae (which cost $25,000 when it was released in 2007) and the World’s Largest Hot Chocolate (4 gallons).

Last Friday, they made it a hat trick with something you normally doesn’t associate with high price: a hot dog.

That’s right, the restaurant will soon be offering the World’s Most Expensive Hot Dog.

If you thought stadium hot dogs were over-priced, wait ’til you see this price tag.

Unlike stadiums, however, you actually get what you pay for with this hot dog.  So what makes the World’s Most Expensive Hot Dog so expensive?  The opulent ingredients.

The chefs at Serendipity3 start with their popular 3 foot-long beef hot dog and grill it in white truffle oil.  Then the dog is tucked inside a pretzel-bread bun that’s toasted with white truffle butter, and topped with foie gras and black truffles.  It’s served with a side of Dijon mustard with black truffles, ketchup made with heirloom tomatoes and caramelized Vidalia onions.

This costly concoction has been dubbed the Haute Dog, and it can be yours for only $69.

If you want a lavish lunch, you’ll need to plan your day around eating this hot dog: orders must be placed 24 hours in advance.

Would you ever pay $69 for a hot dog, either for the novelty of it, bragging rights, or just because you have more money than sense?

Some people just can’t travel without their dog.

Sure, a lot can go wrong for dogs on airplanes, like freezing to death or over-heating or getting shipped to the wrong destination (if they can lose your luggage, they can lose your dog).

And the dangers are even higher for flat-faced dogs like bulldogs and pugs — they account for almost half of dog deaths on airplanes in the last five years.

But some people love their dog so much that they’re willing to put them through life-threatening situations just to have their company while on vacation.  How sweet.

The problem is that once they arrive, they can’t always take their dogs out with them, particularly to restaurants.

But that’s changing in England.

A chain called Brakspear is now serving a doggy menu at a couple of their gastropubs.  The menu includes “chicken and beef” and “liver and garden vegetable” dishes (since when do dogs like vegetables?  Humans don’t even like vegetables.).

Of course, no meal is complete without dessert.  That calls for a visit to K99, the world’s first ice cream truck for dogs.

Some of the flavors offered include chicken and bacon or traditional vanilla with dog biscuit sprinkles, and they’re safe enough to be eaten by dogs or humans (don’t pretend like you’ve never tried a dog biscuit… tasted like a stale graham cracker, didn’t it?).

K99 debuted at a “pet party” last weekend and will start to make appearances at parks all around London this summer.

Is this really necessary?  Dogs are the same creatures that eat petrified crap off the ground.

They don’t care what their food tastes like.  They have no sense of gourmet or organic ingredients.  Come on, they get excited over table scraps.

Plus, if these people really loved their dogs, they wouldn’t subject them to things like cramped shipping crates and British food.  That’s just cruel.

Besides, it’s things like that that will lead to HALF of all dogs in the UK dying of obesity.

According to a new study from the People’s Dispensary of Sick Animals (odd title – do they just hand out sick animals?), 35% of dogs in the UK are obese because their owners over indulge their pets with table scraps and treats.

The healthier dogs are supposedly in London, but that won’t last long if they keep hitting the ice cream truck.

Lobster in Maine.  Crawfish in Louisiana.  And cownose ray in Virgina.  All well-known, locally-caught seafood, right?

Okay, so cownose ray isn’t that popular, not even with the locals.  But if officials in Virginia get their way, it will be soon.

That’s because they want tourists and locals alike to start eating up as many cownose rays as they can stomach.

See, the Virginia seafood scene thrives on oysters, clams and scallops, but those pesky cownose rays are eating all of them.

Even worse, the cownose ray population is booming because their main predator, the inland coastal shark, is disappearing.

So officials in Virgina are urging people to start eating (the more attractively named) Chesapeake Ray.  (They won’t admit it, but we know this is just revenge for Steve Irwin.)

Supposedly the fish is “not flaky… it has a texture and tastes closer to veal or beef.”

And the owner of Uncle Chuck’s Seafood in Virgina Beach backs this up:  “I have folks who buy it who are vegetarians because it tastes like red meat.”  (Doesn’t eating any kind of meat negate the purpose of being a vegetarian?)

So far, Chesapeake Ray hasn’t caught on, but as more restaurants and shops start serving it, that probably won’t may change.

As the saying goes, if it looks like beef and it tastes like beef, it must be… fish.  Sure, a fish that tastes like cow gives a whole new meaning to surf ‘n turf, but it just sounds freaky.  Would you eat it?

We’ve got some alarming news for people heading to Germany this summer:  expect small French Fries.

A travel advisory hasn’t been issued yet, but a spokesperson for the German Farmers’ Association said “consumers will have to brace themselves for shorter fries” because of a heatwave that has adversely affected the country’s extra-large potato crop.

(“Brace themselves”?  This isn’t a freakin’ earthquake.  I mean, what kind of precautions should one take to survive the midget French fry epidemic: duck and cover?)

Certainly this shocking revelation has hungry travelers considering cacelling their vacations to Germany, or possibly contemplating suicide, but all is not lost.

Although the ideal length of a French fry is 2.2 inches, the smaller potatoes are capable of producing fries that measure up to 1.8 inches (for some, that’s a measurement to be proud of).

20% less fry might be a make it or break it issue for some, but we’ve got a solution: order 20% more.  A more reasonable solution would be to try and remember the last time you actually finished off an entire order of fries.  Once you realize the answer is NEVER, you won’t be so mad at the small fries.

Besides, the fries are just a distraction when you’re trying to eat a currywurst the size of your arm.

Question of the day: Americans once played with the idea of renaming French fries “Freedom fries”… but did Germany ever do the same?  Maybe Fatherland fries?

On a whim we decided to drive up to San Francisco for the weekend to watch some bizarre movies at a horror, sci-fi and fantasy film festival called Another Hole In The Head.  Here’s what went down…

Day 1

The plan was to hit the road by 7 a.m., but after watching a Slap Chop infomercial for the third time in the middle of the night, it was clear we weren’t going to get any sleep.  So we packed up, added some road trip songs to the iPod, and left around 4:30 in the morning.

Once past the Grapevine, a steep strip of highway that winds through the mountains and dumps you in flat farmland, there’s nothing interesting to see for about five hours.  Unless you think cows are interesting.  I find them more interesting between buns.

There aren’t many billboards along the way, but the one I find strangely fascinating is for a place called Andersen’s.  Apparently their claim to fame is pea soup.  I don’t know of anyone who craves pea soup, so I find it odd that they advertise their pea soup over 200 MILES AWAY.  Who, for the next four hours of driving, will seriously be salivating over the prospect of eating a food that resembles vomit?  I could MAYBE understand if it was proven to be the best pea soup in the entire world.  But it turns out it’s just a tourist trap and the food is terrible.  Yet somehow Andersen’s has been successfully fooling people for 86 years.

When we finally arrived in San Francisco, it quickly became apparent that we should have checked the weather report.  You think California, you think summer, you think warm.  NOT the case.  It was cold and cloudy and all we packed for footwear was flip flops.

We stayed at Broadway Manor Inn.  The name is deceptively classy.  And the Ferrari parked in the garage would suggest it was a 4-star hotel.  In reality, it was a typical 2-star Travelodge-type place without the prostitutes doing crack in the stairwell.  But it was cheap and it was one of the few hotels still vacant last weekend.  We didn’t mind the paper thin walls and outdated decoration, we just wanted to sleep after being awake for over 24 hours.

After a long nap, we hailed a taxi driven by a certified hippie: long gray hair, long beard, and a slow, surfer voice that sounded exactly like the sea turtle in Finding Nemo.  After we told him where to go, he replied, “Alright, man, let’s check it ouuuut.”  At every stop light, he would jot incomprehensible thoughts into his notepad with a writing system that resembled hieroglyphs.

We ate dinner at a gastropub called The Monk’s Kettle, a tiny, crammed eatery conveniently located right next to the movie theater where we would soon spend six hours.  The food was expensive (as expected), but the place had amazing reviews and even appeared on Food TV.  We shared a fresh baked pretzel with two dipping sauces (the cheese sauce was awesome) for an appetizer and had the mac ‘n cheese with bacon for our meal.

Then it was off to the film festival.  If you’re not the type of person who appreciates weird, off beat movies with titles like Ticked Off Trannies With Knives or Dr. S Battles The Sex Crazed Reefer Zombies, you wouldn’t want to endure the nerd fest that is Another Hole In The Head.  Here’s what we saw on Friday:

Symbol — a Japanese film about a man who wakes up in a mysterious white room.  The walls are covered in buttons (I kid you not, the buttons are angel penises) and each time he presses one, an object drops into the room that may or may not help him escape.  Meanwhile, there’s an alternate storyline about a Mexican wrestler preparing for an important match.  Eventually these two storylines converge in a bizarre but poetic way.  The last 15 minutes have been described as “mind-blowing”.  I wouldn’t go that far, but I will say that the slow build up is worth it for an end sequence that is fascinating and worthy of a “what does it all mean” discussion.

Robogeisha — over-the-top, silly B-movie about two geisha sisters turned into robots by a malevolent corporation.  A movie with machine gun breasts and ass-swords and a geisha turning into a tank sounds like it should be awesome, but the filmmakers ditched the hokey fight scenes and dragged out a boring storyline that was supposed to mock Japanese melodrama, but became one instead.  The trailer is entertaining (NSFW)… the movie is not.

Tucker & Dale VS Evil — by far the most fun film we’ve seen in a long time, this comedy-horror can basically be described as one big misunderstanding.  A group of college kids suspect two hillbillies of killing their friend and spend the rest of the movie trying to kill them.  But the hillbillies actually saved their friend and are completely oblivious to what’s going on.  Really funny movie that MIGHT come out in theaters.

Day 2

Started off the day with lunch at an Asian fusion restaurant with really good reviews called So.  People raved about the wings and after quickly ingesting half a dozen like a vacuum, I can totally see why: juicy, flavorful, spicy, and lots of garlic.  As always with wings, it was a messy affair.

We dropped the car off back at the hotel to keep one of the few parking spots available and decided to walk two miles to Coit Tower.  That walk alone was enough to motivate me to start P90X again.

Along the way, I couldn’t help but wonder why someone decided to build a city on land covered in steep hills.  Seems like an inconvenience from the get go.

However, the long climb to the top of Telegraph Hill was worth it for a stunning panorama of the bay.  Coit Tower, a 210-foot tall monument dedicated to the firefighters of San Francisco, sits at the top of the hill and is one of the most recognizable symbols of the city — you can see this phallic symbol from practically anywhere in the city.

The line to see the 26 murals inside Coit Tower and the elevator ride to the top was too long, so we instead walked down to Washington Square, a popular park where homeless people mingle with picnickers and nobody seems to mind.  If you’ve seen Dirty Harry, you’ve seen this park.

It wouldn’t be a normal day in my life without an embarrassing moment.  We were sitting on a bench, watching people walk their dogs, when a lady walked by with an adorable dog that looked just like a fox, except without the creepy eyes.  I said, a little too loudly, “Look at that fox!”  I didn’t realize until after I said it that that comment could be construed as me talking about the girl instead of the dog.  But, seriously, when was the last time a guy called a girl a fox and didn’t do it in an Austin Powers voice?

From there we took a cab to a Mayan-Mexican restaurant called Poc Chuc.  This place had one of the best tacos I’ve ever had in my life.  But this was no ordinary taco.  It was a turkey taco.  The turkey was everything you don’t expect from turkey: tender, juicy, citrusy, and totally addicting.

Keeping with the theme of weird and unexpected on this trip, we stopped for dessert at an Indian ice cream shop.  Sure, they serve normal flavors at Bombay Ice Cream, but I was way more interested in the unusual stuff, like saffron pistachio and cardamom rose.  Both flavors were rich and bold, but not refreshing like you would want ice cream to be.

We walked just around the corner to the Roxie Theater for the last film of the trip: A Serbian Film.

It’s already the most controversial movie of the year, and likely will become one of the most controversial of all time.  Some have even called it a dangerous film because a guy at Cannes fainted at a press screening and broke his nose.  On every filmic level, A Serbian Film is a good film, but it’s a film you CAN’T like and will probably never watch a second time because it’s not enjoyable.  It’s really, really, really dark, graphic and disturbing.

A Serbian Film is about a former porn star struggling to raise a family who is pulled out of retirement by a mysterious producer who promises to pay the man a large sum of money to star in his latest movie.  The catch is, he can’t know any of the details about the movie and he can’t back out.  That should be the cue to run away fast, but the guy needs the money, so he takes the job.  It would be an understatement to say that winds up being a bad idea.

After the movie, we decided to clear our minds with one last meal.  The taste of Indian food still lingered in my mouth from the ice cream, so we went to a place nearby called Asalam’s Rasoi.  The food was good but unreasonably expensive (apparently it’s not easy to find a cheap meal in San Fran).  We came to the conclusion that Indian food isn’t photogenic — it actually looks like colorful animal gruel — so just take our word that Indian curry is delicious if you’ve never had it.

It was a quick one and a half day excursion, but I think we got a lot done and I learned a lot of lessons along the way: climbing a hill in San Francisco is just as rewarding and just as exhausting as climbing Mount Everest, alcohol makes bad movies good (the drunks in the crowd loved Robogeisha), and you will ALWAYS look like a pervert if you say “Look at that fox!” out loud.