*Possibly not safe for work.

Today a man can easily conjure the image of a naked woman with the click of a button (if his hands are free).  But hundreds of years ago, it wasn’t so simple for our technologically inferior ancestors.  Men had to physically leave their candle-lit man-caves to find images of naked ladies.  They had to travel far and wide to find the ancient version of a pornographic theater: the museum.  It was in the safe confines of a museum that a man could successfully disguise his perverseness.

You see, painting, much like the internet, was only invented to display porn.  Sure, both painting and the internet could have been created for practical purposes, such as immortalizing events, depicting stories, distributing important information, or embedding secret codes that no one can decipher without the assistance of Tom Hanks.  But they knew it was way easier to showcase naked ladies instead.

Similar to today, however, men didn’t think women were beautiful enough.  So artists enhanced, touched up, softened, glorified and air-brushed them to near perfection like an old world Photoshop.  Yes, men were looks-centric, superficial bastards even back then.  But it’s far easier for a man to make a woman look smoother, silkier, and overall faker, today than it was hundreds of years ago.  Back then, it was an arduous, timely and meticulous task to craft beauty.

That’s why some of the women depicted in old paintings look far sexier than the Photoshopped women of the internet age.  Want proof?  Here is a list of the sexiest paintings ever made and where you can find them…

“The Rokeby Venus” by Diego Velázquez (c. 1647–51)

I often wonder if some men became artists just to get women to take their clothes off in the privacy of their study… for free.  It’s like they were the Joe Francis’ of their time, but instead of a video camera and a “Girls Gone Wild” t-shirt, they had a paint brush.  Painting nudes was frowned upon in seventeenth-century Spain when Velázquez was a member of the court of Philip IV, so he high tailed it to Rome to paint this painting, where moral standards were a little looser.  The only surviving female nude by Velázquez can be found at the National Gallery in London.

“The Wave And The Pearl” by Paul Jacques Aimé Baudry (c. 1828 – 1886)

If Playboy existed in nineteenth-century France, this chick would have been a prime candidate for Centerfold of the Year.  I imagine many conversations like this taking place between husbands and wives back then:
Wife: “Honey, we have to go to the market to get –”
Husband: “Let’s go to the museum!”
Wife: “Again?”
One of Baudry’s most famous paintings, you can see it at the Museo del Prado in Madrid.

“Venus of Urbino” by Titian (1538)

I’m not gonna lie, I laughed a little when I saw that this nude was painted by a guy named Titian.  Italian painters such as he were able to get away with painting rich chicks naked as long as they threw the name “Venus” in the title; that’s what distinguished it as art.  Mark Twain called this painting “the foulest, the vilest, the obscenest picture the world possesses,” leading me to question his sexual orientation.  He goes on to say that the painting “is a trifle too strong for any place but a public art gallery,” which is totally proof that museums were the old school version of a peep show and probably explains why so many men collected art.  If you get a chance to see this painting at the Galleria degli Uffizi in Florence, Italy, let me know if the girl in the white dress in the background is vomiting in that chest.

“Mars And Venus” by Sandro Botticelli (c. 1483)

Some have called this painting by Italian Renaissance master Sandro Botticelli one of the sexiest paintings of all time.  I can tell you who doesn’t agree: women.  That statement was obviously made by a man because this painting is totally unflattering.  Clearly this is an honest assessment of the uncomfortable situation following premature ejaculation.  This painting is like a 500-year old version of “American Pie”.  Think about it: the girl never got her clothes off… and he’s already sleeping.  Look at the disappointment on her face.  It’s obvious this dude finished early and now he’s trying to sleep off his embarrassment.  If you visit this painting at the National Gallery in London, look closely: I think she’s subtly giving him the finger.

“Gabrielle D’Estrees and Her Sister, the Duchess of Villars” by Unknown (c. 1594)

Oh, snap!  Old world soft core.  Okay, not really.  Apparently this painting isn’t as dirty as I want to believe.  It’s actually a symbolic announcement that Gabrielle d’Estrées, mistress of King Henry IV of France, is pregnant, and her sister pinches her nipples to show people who may have been unclear where milk comes from.  The woman in the background sewing clothes for a new baby corroborates this, effectively crushing my hopes of calling this the first painting that visualizes every male’s fantasy.  Get up close to the titty twisting sisters at the Louvre in Paris.

“Grande Odalisque” by Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres (1814)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this woman has a backside that gives Kim Kardashian a run for her money.  Sure, she’s got a few extra vertebrae, but remember that guys were chubby chasers back in the day.  That’s because women with curves were not only capable of delivering children, they were wealthy enough to eat.  Times have changed.  Now women considered attractive are the skinny ones who are wealthy enough to afford liposuction, personal trainers, and Pinkberry as a diet.  Enjoy looking at this anatomically incorrect woman at the Louvre in Paris.

“Olympia” by Édouard Manet (1863)

I think what makes this painting so hot is the woman’s sheer cockiness.  She may be a little short and stubby, but she totally believes she’s got it going on.  She thinks she’s the hottest chick in France.  Even the servant is like, “Dayum!  ‘Dis bitch look good!”  She doesn’t have a care in the world.  She’s just letting it all hang out, enjoying the high life, letting someone else do all the work, enjoying the comforts of 1,000-thread count sheets and over-sized goose feather pillow, terrifying her black cat.  Clearly the servant is bringing the woman a bouquet of flowers sent by a male suitor.  But does she care?  Nope.  She probably received ten other bouquets earlier in the day.  If a guy wants a shot with her, he needs to be more original than that.  Try your best at the Musée d’Orsay in Paris.

“La Cigale” by Jules Joseph Lefebvre (1872)

Lefebvre wasn’t what you would call “a looker.”  He kinda looked like that strange guy at the end of the bar whose only companion is flies.  But Lefebvre was a smart guy.  He knew the only way to gain the company of women willing to take their clothes off was to become a painter.  That became his niche.  Most of Lefebvre’s paintings depicted beautiful naked women in sexy poses.  And the world is better and safer for his efforts.  Many of his paintings can be considered amongst the sexiest in history, but “La Cigale,” currently housed at the National Gallery of Victoria in Melbourne, Australia, might be the most fulfilling thanks to that girl-next-door-playing-shy look that drives men crazy (though the absence of a vagina is disturbing; she’s like a Barbie doll).

“La Fornarina” by Raphael (1518-1519)

Artists weren’t shy about painting their mistresses back in the day.  In fact, that’s probably how they got away with it.  It was the perfect excuse.  Their wives probably thought they kept the doors to their work room closed because they needed to concentrate on their art, when in reality they wanted privacy with their mistresses.  Raphael’s painting, housed at the Galleria Nazionale d’Arte Antica in Rome, depicts his mistress, Margherita Luti, a bakeress who likely buttered Raphael’s toast while his wife sat in the next room unsuspecting.  Today, celebrities aren’t as good at covering up their affairs.

“La Maja Desnuda” by Francisco Goya (c. 1797 – 1800)

First she’s clothed…

Now she isn’t!

Like sexy magic.  It’s unclear why Goya drew two versions of the same woman in the same pose — or who the woman even was for that matter — but Goya may have been the first guy to create a visual representation of what all guys think to themselves when they see an attractive woman: “I wonder what she looks like naked?”  Scholars say that this was the first time a woman’s pubic hair was clearly displayed in a large Western painting.  As a result of his indecency, Goya was fired as the Spanish court painter by the Inquisition.  Yet somehow his painting survived while others were destroyed, probably because even members of the Inquisition knew the painting was super sexy.  Today you can view it at the Museo del Prado in Madrid, Spain.

What’s the sexiest painting you’ve ever seen and where can we find it?

Today marks the 98th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.  The “unsinkable” ship was pulled into the ocean around 2:30 in the morning after it struck an iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic ocean on its maiden voyage from Southampton, England en route to New York.  It took 3 years to construct and less than 3 hours to sink.  Of the 2,223 on board, only 706 survived, making it one of the worst peacetime maritime disasters in history.

At 882 feet in length, the Titanic was as long as three Airbus A380 airliners.

Titanic Museums

Approximately 6,000 artifacts have been retrieved from the wreckage, which lies 12,467 feet below the surface of the ocean.  Many of these artifacts can be found at over 200 Titanic museums worldwide.  These are the most notable…

Titanic Museum Attraction – Branson, Missouri
“The World’s Largest Titanic Museum Attraction” is a half-scale Titanic replica featuring 400 artifacts.  One of the interactive exhibits on the ship allows visitors to “try to send an SOS signal.”  “Try” is a strange word to use.  It’s not like the wireless operators didn’t try.  They successfully hailed the attention of numerous ships, but the closest was the Carpathia, which was four hours away as the Titanic started to sink.

Titanic Museum Attraction – Piegon Forge, Tennessee
This Titanic museum is run by the same company as the one in Branson and it also claims to be “The World’s Largest Titanic Museum Attraction” so someone’s lying.  It opened earlier this month and also features over 400 artifacts.

Titanic The Experience – Orlando, Florida
Located near Walt Disney World, this exhibit contains over 200 artifacts as well as full-scale recreations of the Grand Staircase, First Class Parlor Suite, Boilers, and Promenade Deck, where visitors can feel the cold air of that fateful night instead of the usual humid Orlando weather.

The Titanic Museum – Indian Orchard, Massachusetts
Maintained by the Titanic Historical Society, this small museum contains original blueprints donated by the builders of the Titanic, the life jacket of Titanic’s wealthiest and most famous passenger, John Jacob Astors, and the prized gem, the original wireless message that never made it to the bridge of the Titanic which lists the location of the deadly iceberg.

Titanic The Artifact Exhibition – 8 Locations Worldwide
A traveling exhibition that contains pieces of Titanic’s hull, passenger’s luggage and clothing, and recreations and simulations that enable visitors to relive the Titanic experience (minus the drowning and freezing to death part).

Titanic Museum – Belfast, Northern Ireland
The Titanic exhibition at the Ulster Folk and Transport Museum focuses on the construction of the Titanic, which took place at the Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast from 1909 to 1912.  This museum harbors the largest collection of Titanic photographs in the world.

Merseyside Maritime Museum – Liverpool, England
The most famous piece of memorabilia is the original 20-foot long builder’s model of the Titanic.

Maritime Museum of the Atlantic – Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada

Halifax was the closest major port to the site of the Titanic sinking and many of the recovered bodies and pieces of wreckage were transferred there.  The Titanic exhibit at the Maritime Museum of the Atlantic features some of the wooden items retrieved from the water, including a nearly perfectly preserved deckchair.

East Hants Historical Society – Maitland, Nova Scotia, Canada
This one is kinda morbid.  75 miles from Halifax is the East Hants Historical Society in Maitland, Nova Scotia, where you can see the table that was used to embalm John Jacob Astor and other victims of the Titanic.

Titanic Memorials

Memorials to the victims of the Titanic are scattered about the world, most notably in England, New York and Halifax, the ship’s origin, final destination, and the place that received the bodies, respectively.  These are some of the more prominent Titanic memorials…

Thane – Belfast, Northern Ireland
A marble figure located in front of Belfast City Hall.

Memorial to the Engine Room Heroes of the Titanic – Liverpool, England
Dedicated to the 244 engineers who bravely stayed below deck to supply the sinking ocean liner with electricity.  Liverpool was the home port of the Titanic, and the name Liverpool appeared on the stern of the ship.

Titanic Memorial Lighthouse – New York City, New York
Erected in 1913 less than a year after the Titanic disaster and relocated in 1968 to its current position at 15 State Street.

Women’s Titanic Memorial – Washington, D.C.
Remember when Kate Winslet spread her arms and said, “I’m flying!” in the movie Titanic?  (Of course you do.  You probably imitated it many times.)  She was actually mimicking this statue’s pose.  This 13-foot statue of a man with outstretched arms (religious symbolism anyone?) was sculpted from a single piece of red granite and dedicated to the men who sacrificed themselves to save women and children.

Ida Straus Memorial – New York City, New York
When the Titanic began to sink, 63-year old Ida Straus was urged by her husband Isidor, the co-owner of Macy’s, to board a lifeboat.  She refused, saying, “Where you go, I go.”  Ida remained loyal to her husband to the end and were last seen sitting together quietly on the boat deck as the ship sank.

Titanic Memorial Bandstand – Ballarat, Vicotira, Australia
Dedicated to the memorial of the sinking of the Titanic and the band that played as the ship sank.

Victim Gravesites – Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Three Halifax cemeteries — Fairview Lawn, Mount Olivet and Baron de Hirsch — contain 150 Titanic victims, the highest number in the world.  Fairview Lawn Cemetery is the location of the grave of the unknown child, a 19-month old baby boy that was pulled from the freezing waters and identified 95 years later as Sidney Leslie Goodwin.  Here is a list of all the Titanic victims buried in Halifax and their locations inside the cemeteries.

Goodwin's shoes at the Maritime Museum of the Atlantic in Halifax.

Southampton Titanic Memorials – Southampton, England
The site of four memorials including a memorial to the engineers in Andrews Park, a memorial to the musicians who played on the Titanic as it sank located inside the same park, the Titanic Stewards’ Memorial fountain located inside Holyrood Church, and a memorial the ship’s five postal workers near Southampton Heritage Services.

Cobh Titanic Memorial – Cobh, Ireland
The city of Cobh was the last port of call for the Titanic.  A memorial plaque is dedicated to the Irish emigrants who lost their lives on the ship.

The Three Lives of Violet Jessop

A cat has nine lives, but how many do humans have?  At least three according to Violet Jessop.  At 23, she was a stewardess aboard the luxury ship RMS Olympic when it collided with British warship HMS Hawke.  Despite damage and flooding, the Olympic was able to make it back to Southampton.  Less than two years later, Violet survived the sinking of the Titanic.

As if this poor woman wasn’t cursed enough, in 1916, she served as a nurse aboard the Hospital Ship Britannic when it struck a mine and sank.  Violent was sucked under the water and hit on the head by the ship’s keel but somehow she managed to survive.  Despite three brushes with death aboard ships, she remained a stewardess for her entire life, and, luckily, never endured another sinking.

Weird Titanic Stuff

“Titanic Sinks Nightly!”
Only in Vegas can a disaster be turned into entertainment.  In the Vegas version, topless women prance merrily and perform high kicks as the Titanic vanishes.  In real life, I don’t imagine the Titanic sinking into freezing waters and everyone being that happy… or naked.  There was nothing glamorous about 1,517 people dying.  Sure, boobs bring great joy and have the unique ability to alleviate sadness, but I doubt the survivors would have wanted to see history repeat itself on a nightly basis.

Titanic Slide
Every year I see the Titanic slide at a pumpkin patch around Halloween and every year I’m disturbed to see kids joyfully plummeting down the Titanic’s deck as if it wasn’t a tragedy.  Something tells me if the situation were real, the kids wouldn’t be so ecstatic.

Titanic: The Musical
Does disaster become more palatable if there are song and dance numbers?  Look, if someone was going to inform me of impending doom I would hope they inform me through song.  It makes it sound so much fun.  Doesn’t the phrase “To The Lifeboats” sound better as a song than a demand?  It sounds as if we’re heading for a charming adventure while everyone else perishes.

Titanic Ice Cube Tray
Have you ever wanted to reenact the Titanic disaster in a brandy snifter?  Well now you can!  Watch as the Titanic careens into an ice cube and tips nose first into your adult beverage.  Then get drunk and relive the memories all over again.

Titanic Memorial Cruise
Celebrate the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic in 2012 by taking a cruise that follows the Titanic’s original itinerary, even stopping directly over the spot where the Titanic sank.  Hopefully you only relive the journey and not the sinking.

Los Angeles isn’t really known as a hub of culture… unless you consider break dancing, street racing and bar crawling culture.  Yes, LA has a reputation for being a party town, a place to spot celebrities, a place to see and be seen.  No, you won’t be seen in a library or a museum.

That’s why people who favor an immersive cultural experience tend to visit Boston, Chicago or New York instead.  But one particular museum in LA could change that: the Getty Center.

Located just off the 405 freeway atop the Santa Monica mountains, the Getty Center is a young museum — it opened in 1997 — with an extensive collection of American and European paintings, drawings, sculptures, decorative arts, furniture and photographs from the 17th through the 20th centuries.

When I visited, I overheard an out-of-towner say he had a new appreciation for LA after visiting the Getty Center.  That’s because the museum feels like an oasis away from the typical L.A. flashiness and high-speed chases.  But that doesn’t mean you’ll escape the cult of celebrity at the Getty Center.

Wanna know what $53.9 million looks like?  Check out Van Gogh’s painting called Irises.  It’s one of the most expensive paintings of all time (though it doesn’t compare to Jackson Pollock’s No. 5, 1948, which sold for $140 million).

Irises is the star of the museum’s collection, but the real highlight for visitors is the stunning panoramic view of Los Angeles.  On a clear day (which is rare in LA thanks to the smog) you can see downtown LA to the left and the beach to the right.  Just be careful that a gust of wind doesn’t knock you over the railing into the Cactus Garden below.

Also popular is the 134,000 square-foot Central Garden where visitors descend a zigzag pathway over a stream and walk through an intimate garden that surrounds a pool with a maze of floating azaleas.

The great thing about the museum is that it’s free; you only have to pay $15 to park in the underground garage.  From there, a tram winds up the mountain and drops you off at the front of the museum.

http://www.getty.edu/museum/ — check the schedule for tours and lectures
Hours of operation: 10am-5:30pm Tu-Fri & Sun, 10am-9pm Sat; closed Monday
Free parking after 5pm

A couple of days ago, we were jolted awake by the frightening sounds of explosions.  Turned out it was just fireworks.  We’ve gotten used to the hourly performances of pyromania by this point.

Then this morning I was pulled out of a refreshing sleep by another alarming sound, this time from Jackie…

“OH MY GOD!”

Jackie stared out the window, eyes popping out of her skull like a cartoon, jaw sinking to the floor in shock.

“What!?  What is it!?” I said, fearing the worst.

“IT’S SNOWING!”

Megan Fox offering me a pepperoni pizza couldn’t even get me out of bed that fast.  I sprung off the mattress and hit the window before ever touching the floor, eager to see this foreign substance.

And there it was.  Soft, white flecks tricking down from the sky, blanketing the street like a really cold down comforter.

I sat fascinated at the window for so long that Jackie literally had to pull me away and force me into the morning shower.

You see, being from L.A., we dont get snow… ever.  So while most people probably view the snow as an inconvenience, we took it as an opportunity to unleash our inner children.

After stepping out of the hotel and taking tons of pictures, we headed over to the Pergamon Museum, which already had hefty line out the door.  I know, heading to the warm confines of a museum on a day it’s pouring snow… we couldn’t believe other people had this idea either.

Most times waiting in line is a boring and tedious precursor to the slow museum shuffle.  Not today.

We laughed when the slow tickled our noses.  We formed snow balls so small and pathetic we had to call them snow pellets.  We wrote messages into the snow.  With our fingers, people, let’s be clear about this.

But my long-time romanticized view of snow ended in the same way that my belief in Santa had ended… badly.  Jackie repeatedly warned me not to put the snow in my mouth, but I couldn’t resist.  The world was a snow cone and I wanted a bite.

It looked so delicate and sweet, like powdered sugar.  Living your life by the principle of “explore with your mouth” probably isn’t safe, but it hasn’t gotten me killed (yet).

Eating snow didn’t get me killed, but the taste of acid rain probably permanently singed a few taste buds.

When the flaky snow touched my tongue, it reminded me of the taste of wet soil in my mouth after getting tackled in a middle school game of flag football where the opponents conveniently forgot the object of the game was to grab a flag, not pile drive a frail and uncoordinated chubby kid with little athletic ability into the ground.

After a solid 30-minute wait in the throes of winter, we finally got into the Pergamon Museum.

The museum is located on Museum Island, a UNESCO World Heritage Site featuring five world-famous museums packed on an island in the middle of the Spree River.  The Pergamon Museum is named after the highlight of the museum’s collection, the Pergamon Altar, a monumental gate that existed in the ancient city of Pergamon.

What’s so fascinating about the Pergamon Altar is that it depicts a violent battle between Olympian gods and giant creatures on an absolutely huge scale.

It’s mind-boggling to think that this massive marble structure featuring sculptures of Apollo and Zeus battling giant serpents and lions was whittled into existence with such precision by people using ancient tools.

Sure, the altar that you walk on today is only a reconstruction, but just imagining what the real thing must have looked like over 2,000 years ago can make your head spin.

And to think that this was just the facade; the rest of the altar was over twice as long and just as intricately detailed.

The exhibition hall also features original pieces of the reliefs excavated in Pergamon.  Most of it is incomplete so we had to use our imagination to craft the story of this epic battle. If there’s anything we learned it’s that even gods can get their heads eaten by angry lions.

The Pergamon Museum isn’t a one-hit wonder either.  There are two other awe-inspiring attractions.

The first is the Market Gate of Miletus, a 56-foot high gate that once stood in the ancient Greek city of Miletus.  The gate crumbled after an earthquake 900 years ago, but the pieces remained surprisingly well-preserved by the time they were uncovered in the 19th century.  The pieces were then shipped to Germany and the gate was reassembled inside the museum.

The second major attraction is the Ishtar Gate, a 2,500-year-old blue-tiled gate that once guarded the inner city of Babylon.  This 47-foot high, 100-foot wide reconstruction uses materials discovered during the gate’s excavation.

The Pergamon Museum features so much more, but we spent hours taking in those three attractions.  That led to hunger.  And that led to a quest for a decent restaurant.

A restaurant we found.  Decent it was not.

We should have known immediately that the food was gonna be crappy — from what we could make out, the name of the place was Lunch Bistro.  Never trust eateries without descriptive or creative names.

Every currywurst I had up until that point was delicious.  Lunch Bistro ended that streak.

It took about 40 minutes for our food to arrive after we ordered it despite the restaurant’s small size.  By the time it came out, the food was cold and watery.  And this place wasn’t even that cheap.

Our frustration was compounded when we learned that the day-passes that granted us access to all museums on Museum Island weren’t good at the Neues Museum because it was sold out.

All the museums on the island are undergoing renovation — we read a sign that said the Pergamon Museum was closing for four years — and the collections are being shifted around.

The Egyptian artifacts, like the iconic bust of Nefertiti with the missing eye, were moved to the recently re-opened Neues Museum.  That’s the stuff I really wanted to see, probably because I accept everything that happened in “Stargate” as fact.  I guess everyone else wanted to see it too.

It seemed like everyone, including us, who couldn’t get into the Neues Museum went to the magnificently designed Berlin Cathedral, known for its extravagant organ with 7,000 pipes and stunning views from the Dome Gallery.  That, of course, led to a long wait that we didn’t want to endure in the cold.

So we started on our way to the O2 Arena to see a hockey game.  We followed the people clad in jerseys from the train station to the box office.  Here’s how that worked out:

“You want to buy tickets for tonight’s game?”

“Yeah, we’ve really been looking forward to –”

“There is no chance.  All sold out.  No seat.”

I thought she’d keep going just to rub it in — “Nada, zilch, nothing.”

It was looking like this day was a bust.

But things started to turn around when we visited the surprisingly cool Tacheles, just a few buildings down from our hotel.

This five-story building has an interesting history: first it was a department store, then it became the central office of the SS during WWII, and after it sustained damage in the Allied bombing of Berlin, it was largely forgotten about.

The building was going to be demolished in 1990, but squatters, also known as artists, had taken over the building.  When the city surveyed the decrepit building and found it to be structurally sound, they declared Tacheles a historic monument and let the artists stay.

Walking through the building, especially at night, is slightly uncomfortable.  Our heads were telling us not to ascend the creaky stairs of a dark building covered floor to ceiling in graffiti.  But we did, and it was worth the risk.

A band played what I think was music, but the jumbled sounds made me unsure.  Walls were covered in colorful murals.  Artists crafted jewelry by hand.  Others hawked canvases reeking of fresh paint.

I told Jackie that some of the paintings and drawings were so grotesquely beautiful, they had to have been created when the artist was high.

No less than a minute later, we walked by a room packed with artists sharing a joint.

The building saw a steady flow of curious people that eventually found their way into the packed, smoke-filled bar on the third level.

We walked down the street to an Italian restaurant we had eaten at earlier on this trip only to find every seat taken.  The waiter said it would be five minutes so we decided to wait.  A few minutes later, a couple about our age walked in and joined the wait.

When the first table to open up was a table for four, we agreed to share the table.

We had a great time sharing stories about our experiences in Berlin.  She was a German who moved to Australia for school and he was a native of Australia who was just as fascinated by snow as we were.

The rest of the night was spent comparing cultures, politics and lifestyles over garlic soup and giant thin-crust pizzas.  Yet again, a day that could have been a disaster was saved by a terrific evening.

We love finding quirky things in places you least expect.  This morning we ate breakfast in a pastry chain called Kamps after determining that pastries are the only thing one can eat for breakfast in Germany.  When we sat down to enjoy our croissants, apple strudel and tea, we noticed this interesting memorial to the Berlin Wall.

The display was called “1 Million Stories” even though it was really just one.  The disjointed story was etched on a small-scale model of the wall, and from what I gather it was about a kid whose family was divided by the wall.  Now we’ve just got to find the 999,999 other displays.

Just down the street is Checkpoint Charlie, the infamous crossing point between East and West Germany.  Remember seeing those photos in your history book of the stand-off between Soviet and American tanks at the Berlin Wall?  This is where it happened.

This is also where many people tried to escape the tyranny of the East for the freedom of the West.  Some succeeded, some failed, and some even died trying.

The Checkpoint Charlie museum chronicles all of the known escape attempts, even showing some of the devices used to traverse the wall like balloons and fake uniforms.  But the museum was unanimously panned by guidebooks and reviews on the web, so we saved €15 a piece and read about the wall at the open-air exhibit down the street.

Just past the replica guard house featuring signs with pictures of actors portraying Soviet and American guards, there’s a series of walls with pictures and details about the checkpoint, the events that led to the tank stand-off, escape attempts and eventually the crumbling of the Berlin Wall.

We even walked along a cobblestone trail where the wall once stood.

That led us to the second-longest preserved stretch of the Berlin Wall, near the site where the headquarters of the SS and Gestapo once existed in Nazi Germany.  Look at how thin the wall was…

This area has become known as the Topography of Terror, an exhaustive outdoor museum that details the frightening practices of the Nazis.

I’ve gotta give it to Berlin… they not only reflect on their dark history openly, but they urge visitors to join them.  And they make it free to do so.

The only problem is that it’s hard to appreciate these massive open-air exhibits when it’s freezing.  Had it been warmer and had we brought those handy fold-out chairs, we could have spent a few more hours at the Topography of Terror.

From there, we headed to the Jewish Museum, which has become one of the most popular museums in Germany since it opened in 2001.

The slanted pillars in front of the museum form the Garden of Exile.

It’s easy to see why. The design alone was worth a visit.  The zigzag shaped building resembles a shattered Star of David with its jagged windows and lines piercing the silver shell of the main building.  It can be very disorienting inside the museum, with its crisscrossing, twisting and shrinking corridors.

But, surprisingly, the museum isn’t all avant-garde or doom-and-gloom.  In fact, it’s a really fun place to learn about a religion and a people that are often misunderstood.

The cleverly designed exhibits present information about the history and evolution of the Jews, demystifying traditions and destroying stereotypes with easy to understand information.

Our favorite exhibits were the interactive ones: writing a wish on a paper pomegranate and placing it in a tree, building synagogues out of blocks, and dropping coins into a spiral funnel that represents the Jew’s history of charity.

What I wanted to discover most was the origins of Jewish persecution.  Early into the tour, we found a placard called “The Jew as Scapegoat.”  It talked about how Jewish persecution began in the 13th century when rumors surfaced after a boy’s death that Jews needed blood for religious rituals.

That led to the murder of many Jews throughout Europe.  And it only got worse when they were blamed for poisoning wells that started the Plague in 1347.  The false accusations followed Jews from that point on.

The most poignant exhibit in the museum, for me at least, were glass cases shaped like humans, and inside there were pictures and mementos remembering holocaust victims.  It was a sobering experience to see a shell of a human who is only remembered by the few items they left behind.

We spent hours at the Jewish Museum, and easily could have spent the whole day there.  It’s probably the most engaging museum we’ve ever visited.

On the way to the subway, we walked across stone tablets featuring quotes from some of the world’s great thinkers.  It was called the Path of Visionaries and I’m surprised so many tourists didn’t even notice what they were walking on.

Just before we got to the station, we heard some German people loudly arguing.  Now, I know in America, comedians and TV shows mock the German language as if every word sounds angry.

But we noticed that the stereotype didn’t fit.  The language actually sounded fun and playful… Until I heard those people arguing.

At that point, I realized that an angry German sounds absolutely frightening.  Even a mildly irritated German would freak me out after hearing how harsh the German language can be.

On the other hand, there are some languages that just don’t evoke fear.  Take, for instance, French.  No matter how mad a French person gets, no matter how much they yell and shoot daggers out of their eyes, you can’t take their anger seriously.  It just sounds too funny.

Case in point, mere moments after overhearing angry German people, we came upon a little spat that a French couple was having.  The guy, we can only assume, was being all snarky and he kept saying “oui” with real attitude.

“Oui!?  OUI!?”  He had the most serious look on his face, but I couldn’t for the life of me take him seriously.  French just doesn’t sound threatening.  German can.  And that is why I will never so much as inconvenience a German.

Anyway, it was time for lunch.  We went to the Gendarmenmarkt, one of the most famous squares in Berlin.

We stopped into a tiny bistro to eat, and when I say it was tiny, I mean t…i…n…y.  This place was only big enough to accommodate about 15 people shoulder-to-shoulder.  It was like eating in a walk-in closet.

The menu wasn’t extensive and the smell of hot sausages from the Christmas market outside was hypnotic, so we had a small lunch consisting of three soups. The strangest was the hotpot: a thick pea soup with chunks of bacon and a whole sausage.

The meal worked better as a rest for our feet and a temporary escape from the cold than a satiating dining experience.

And that’s why we immediately made a bee-line to the sausage stand after paying the bill.  There’s no better way to defeat cold than with a hot sausage and a steaming cup of hot wine.

After raising our body temperature like ten degrees and getting mildly tipsy in the process, we went to the German Cathedral.

This impressive church was almost completely destroyed in WWII and only recently rebuilt.  Today it houses a free exhibit on German parliamentary history…

But what we really wanted to do was climb the massive spiral staircase all the way to the top.

It took some serious soul-searching, but eventually we agreed to do it, the only caveats being that we had to take breaks often and we had to finish the journey no matter how long it took.

Well, four minutes into this leg-cramping, lung-burning, eye-sweating exercise, we hit a wall.  Not the figurative wall that marathoners hit –

A real wall. About five stories up.

I was proud that we had even made it that far, but honestly I felt like with another hour of trudging up those stairs, we could’ve made it to the top.  Nonetheless, it was a sad reminder that I need to use the Stairmaster more often.

By this point Jackie had been itching to do something slightly girly, so we went to Galeries Lafayette.  We had been to the original store in Paris and I was hoping to see something similar to that store’s amazing dome.

Instead, the Berlin store has an upside-down dome.  That’s right, at the center of the store was an intimidating glass funnel that led to a hole to nothingness.

It was actually a little scary looking over the railing into the funnel.  What would happen if you fell in?  Would you disappear into a black hole?  The possibilities are mind-boggling.

On our way out of the store, we came across a piece of the Berlin Wall.  For all the affluent girls who frequent Galeries Lafayette, it’s sad to think that this might be the extent of their historical knowledge.

When it came time for dinner, we decided to head to Potsdamer Platz and stroll through the Christmas market with its ice mountain inner tube ride.  This area was once divided by the Berlin Wall, but today it’s a bustling business and entertainment district.

The popular draw is the Sony Center, with its spider-like canopy covering restaurants and shops.  Surprisingly, there wasn’t much selection, and what they did have was really expensive.

So we went to a cool Asian restaurant nearby called Coa.  It reminded me a lot of Wagamama with its interesting little pan-Asian concoctions like corn, crab and coconut soup.

Just outside, there was another Berlin Wall memorial that documented the last vestiges of the wall’s existence.

It started to feel like there were wall memorials everywhere.  But that actually put things in perspective.

Berlin feels so united that it’s hard to imagine a wall ever dividing this amazing city.

How does that happen anyway?  How do you even split a city that’s existed for almost a thousand years?  People going through divorce can’t even agree on who gets what, so how do you divorce a city?  “Here, you take that landmark, I’ll take this one”?

So far Berlin is like a good movie: it’s answered some questions, but raised many others.  Maybe the answers are out there, but it might take another visit to find them.

Today was our first full day in Berlin, or as Jackie likes to call it, “Burrrrrrrrrlin.” We’ve traveled to some cold destinations, but Berlin might be the coldest so far.

When I called my dad to tell him it was going to be slightly below freezing today, he said “Nowhere… near… Berlin.”

We were anxious to get going today because our first stop was the most famous landmark in Germany: Brandenburg Gate.

Germany has survived a tumultuous history, and much of that history unfolded at the Brandenburg Gate.

Napoleon stole the sculpture on top of the gate. Hitler conducted rallies in front of the gate. Bombs hammered the area around the gate in WWII. The Berlin Wall divided the country right in front of the gate.

Today it’s a meeting point of guided tours, a dog-walking area, and a place for people in costume to make a few coins off easily impressed tourists.

The German parliament building, called the Reichstag, is just blocks from the gate. We knew we had to get there early because we heard about the long lines of people that wait to get in. Luckily, we only had to wait a few minutes before passing through security.

Atop the Reichstag is a giant glass dome where visitors can climb a spiral walkway to the top for a panoramic view of Berlin. Not only is it free to enter, but they give you an audio guide that talks about the German parliament and details the history of some of the surrounding buildings.

The cool thing about the audio guide is that it’s timed for a slow walk and triggered by sensors in the floor. So if we walked faster than the narration, the audio would fade out when we passed the marker and move to the next segment; if we backed up, the audio would pick up right where it left off.

Some of the historical accounts on the audio tour were a bit snooze-worthy, so we skipped over some of the lessons in favor of fun facts about nearby buildings that weren’t detailed in guidebooks.

After descending the walkway, we looked at photographs and read placards about German history that wrap around a massive mirrored funnel.

When we left, the line to get into the dome was about 200 people long. When we got there an hour earlier it was only 20.

A short walk led us to the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe. Germany is known for pushing the boundaries of art, and this unusual memorial is no exception.

2,711 coffin-like concrete slabs are arranged like a grid over uneven terrain. The further you walk into the memorial, the taller the slabs grow and the walkways become more hilly and narrow. It’s a claustrophobic and disorienting way to remember the Jewish citizens murdered in Europe in WWII.

Beneath the memorial is an information center that lists the names of all the known Jewish Holocaust victims. Unfortunately, it was closed when we were there.

By this point we were ready to break for lunch, and right across the street from the memorial was a place called Barlin XXL Curry 37. The cartoon bear and the word “curry” sold me.

There were three options for currywurst: a small, a medium, and a double-XL. I figured that was just their clever way of saying the large is pretty big. Turns out, this thing was a formidable food challenge.

The currywurst was as long as my freakin’ arm. And I’m 6’4″.

It’s a little disconcerting knowing that I ate my arm’s length in sausage, but if I say it was an accomplishment, it’s easier to digest.

I’m almost disgusted that I finished the thing. I’m more disgusted that I didn’t get a medal or at least a certificate to document such an accomplishment.

More unusual than the two-foot long sausage slathered in ketchup and curry powder was the beer I had with it. It’s called Berliner Kindl.  Take a typical beer with a low alcohol content, mix it with flavored syrup, and you have Berliner Kindl.

I drank my beer with woodruff syrup. I have no clue what woodruff is, but it turned the beer bright green. It resembled that toxic ooze that turned four ordinary turtles into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The beer was good, but I didn’t acquire any martial arts skills in the drinking process.

It was difficult to pull my butt out of the seat after lunch, but we managed to walk to the Fuhrerbunker without setting off a minor earthquake.

Hitler’s infamous bunker was destroyed shortly after he committed suicide in it at the end of WWII; only a placard featuring a blueprint of the bunker exists today.

Apparently it wasn’t this super secure underground fortress that protected Hitler like a force field.  In actuality, the bunker couldn’t even withstand a blast that a common underground bomb shelter could.

It was a bit of a walk to the German History Museum from there, but we had to burn off lunch. The museum is housed in the Zeughaus, the oldest structure on Berlin’s major avenue, Unter den Linden. Completed in 1730, this baroque building was originally designed to store artillery.

And, wouldn’t you know, many of the galleries feature canons and guns and other weaponry used throughout German history.

The museum is quite extensive, and although we appreciate early German history, what fascinates and confuses most people is the last hundred years.

And after walking through the exhibits on WWI, WWII and the Cold War, we can’t say we’re any less confused. It makes a little more sense, but no placard or picture can tap into the German psyche of 1914 or 1933.

We were astonished to learn that Hitler came into the power under the guise of peace, yet mere weeks after becoming chancellor in 1933, he was already writing laws that persecuted Jews and ordering the construction of concentration camps. This only 15 years after Germany lost World War I. It’s something I don’t think we can ever understand.

Across the museum is Bebelplatz, a place made infamous by the book burning ceremony that was held here by Nazi youth group in 1933. Today there’s a monument featuring empty bookcases beneath a pane of glass in the ground, along with a quote by German poet Heinrich Heine that reads: “Where they burn books, they ultimately burn people.”

Nearby is St. Hedwig’s Cathedral, with its imposing dome, which had to be rebuilt after the church was completely destroyed in WWII.

Across the street we visited the Neue Wache. The building was originally designed as a guardhouse for troops of the Prince of Prussia, but today it’s a memorial for victims of war and tyranny.

There’s only one thing inside this cold, silent, empty chamber… a sculpture called Mother With Her Dead Son.

We backtracked a few stops by bus to get a quick snack at Cafe Einstein, which many people said had the best apple strudel in Berlin. They weren’t lying. The apples were soft and warm, and the layers of dough were thin and flaky like baklava. The tea was a great pick-me-up before we went to the DDR Museum.

We soon discovered that the DDR Museum was not a museum about Dance Dance Revolution, but instead the German Democratic Republic.

The exhibits show what it was like to live in communist East Germany through interactive exhibits. You open drawers to see what kids were learning, you sit in a typical living room and watch the news, you put on headphones and spy on your friends.

Yes, the DDR was so paranoid that the state police, called the Stasi, put hidden cameras and bugs everywhere to monitor citizens. But Big Brother couldn’t watch everybody.

So the Stasi turned some of its citizens into spies, forcing people to report on their friends. Sometimes these friends turned out to be political dissidents and were sent to prison. Some were even killed.

The museum takes a light-hearted approach to educating people about the DDR — from the exhibit on rebellion through nudism or the East German car driving simulation — but it’s definitely scary to think that such a society really existed.

The DDR was great, but we think somebody really needs to look into building a Dance Dance Revolution museum.

After the DDR museum, we went across the street for our first German Christmas market experience.

We walked the crowded aisles, looking at all the stalls filled with trinkets, clothes and food, and decided to have a hearty German dinner: sausage in a roll.

You’d think they would make a bun as long as the sausage, but no.  They stuff the sausage inside a measly dinner roll that’s barely able to contain the girth of this steaming hot badboy.

We already abandoned a responsible eating plan, so we capped the night with a Nutella crepe and headed back to the hotel.

On Christmas morning we’d only been in Frankfurt for a combined 20 hours or so, but we already had to leave to make our early-morning flight to Berlin.  We opted for a taxi this time around, assuming it would save us some time . . . and it did.

Taxi drivers mean business in Frankfurt.  Doesn’t matter that it’s 5 in the morning and there’s probably only four people in need of a taxi in the entire city.  Our driver wanted to get us to the airport quickly so he could find those other two people in need of his services.  How quickly?

192km/hr. For people who defy the metric system, that’s about 120 miles per hour.  On a slick road.  In the dark.  With a light sprinkle.

I think the ride back to the airport went twice as fast as the ride from the airport.  Twice as fast, ten times the danger. Sounds like a tagline for a movie we don’t want to be in.

Because we got to the airport so quickly, we had plenty of time to sit around and look at all the closed duty free stores.  For breakfast, we had the pick of the vending machines.  We went with the ever delectable combo pack of Kit-Kat and Milky Way bars, as well as the hearty yet stale apple strudel thingy.  Hey, an apple strudel a day keeps the doctor away, right?  No?  That’s not how the saying goes?

The boredom of waiting around for one of the few flights leaving so early was worth it though.  A flight from Frankfurt to Berlin on Air Berlin usually costs around €50 with another €30 in taxes and fees.

We scored our tickets for only €6 apiece, plus the usual taxes and fees.  Air Berlin was running a promotion for the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, and we were lucky enough to find this deal on the last day.

The flight was less than an hour, and while Jackie would usually be nervous the entire hour, she was much less anxious than the woman sitting next to us.  That woman was nervous because she was meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time. To alleviate their respective nerves, they chatted the entire flight.

Berlin-Tegel didn’t strike us a major international airport.  Granted, we arrived at the domestic terminal.  But the walk from the plane to baggage claim to the taxi queue took about 15 seconds.

The taxi got us to the hotel in about 15 minutes.  Maybe that was because the streets were empty.  Like “Zombieland” empty.  I counted four cars on the road the entire drive.

We were staying at the Arcotel Velvet, right in central Berlin.  This is the kind of place that would be really expensive and really exclusive if it were in L.A. or New York.

Every song in Beyonce’s catalogue is on repeat.  The lights change color in the lobby.  There’s a popular bar with an extensive martini menu downstairs.

Our stuffy little room had a sheer curtain dividing the bedroom from the bathroom instead of a wall.  One of the five window curtains has images of JFK and Andy Warhol and other celebrities.  And there’s this bright red heat lamp in the bathroom that would be great if we were reptiles.

Interesting note:  After we returned from our trip to Germany, we watched Samantha Brown’s “Passport to Europe” episode on Berlin, and she also had stayed at Arcotel Velvet during her trip.

We left the room pretty quickly to get a handle on the public transportation and hit a few sights.  Our hotel was right down the street from a subway station, a tram station and a few bus stops, and everything was labeled clearly.

It didn’t take us long to get to Schloss Bellevue, Germany’s version of the White House.  It actually has a lot in common with the White House: the president lives there, it’s a house, and it’s white.

A short walk down the street brought us to the Victory Column (Siegessäule), the third most well-known sight in Berlin after Brandenburg Gate and the Wall.

You might remember seeing it when Barack Obama spoke in Germany during his campaign in ’08, or more recently as the place where those jerky ninjas got ran over by German-made Mercedes’ in “Ninja Assassin.”

The monument was designed to commemorate the victories of Prussia in the 19th century, of which there were many.  The red granite base features four reliefs depicting scenes from the Prussian-Franco War, and the column is topped by a 35-ton bronze statue of Victoria, the Goddess of Victory.

History came to life when I put my fingers in the bullet holes that batter the column.  It was an early reminder that this trip to Berlin will be more sobering than other destinations.

For a couple of euro you can walk the 285-step spiral staircase to the top.  Had they designed the column with a few rest stops in mind, we may have done it.

From there we hopped on a bus to Kulturforum, a concentrated area in Berlin packed with galleries, music halls and libraries.

The gallery I most wanted to visit was the Gemäldegalerie, which features one of the largest and most important European art collections.  I tend to skip over a lot of the 13th- through 15th-century artwork because there’s only so many times I can see Jesus on a crucifix before I feel bad that I use Christmas as an excuse to eat a lot and watch football.

Plus, it feels like some of these early artists tried to top each other in the gore department.  Some of the paintings made “CSI” look like a kid’s show.

I’m always fascinated by Rembrandt, so I spent the majority of my time in there.  There wasn’t too much time to admire, however, because the museum was closing early.

Dinner options were slim, but Jackie found this highly-rated Indian place nearby.  Prices were reasonable.  Food was okay.  I’m not sure why they sprinkled our curries with cheese.  But with what we’ve read about German food, we should probably be grateful the food was at least okay.

This may come as a shock to you, but there’s more to do in Amsterdam besides prostitutes and weed.  Behind the neon blaze of the Red Light District and the haze of smoke from the ubiquitous coffee shops, there’s a refined city that attracts 4.2 million visitors to its historical monuments, museums and architecture every year.  Here’s a list of things to do in Amsterdam…

Anne Frank House

We all had to read the harrowing story of Anne Frank in school.  She was the 15-year-old girl who hid from the Nazis with her family and another family in a secret chamber in a building in Amsterdam.  Today, you can visit the hiding place she documented in her diary, as well as read stories and review artifacts from other Jews who were captured by the Nazis during World War II (of the 107,000 Jews abducted and shipped to concentration camps, only 5,000 survived).  The museum also features exhibitions highlighting various forms of persecution and injustice, some of which still exists today.  It’s best to buy your tickets online so you don’t have to wait in line for hours.

The Resistance Museum

Continuing with the theme of depressing history, the Verzetsmuseum is an exhibition that recreates the everyday life of the citizens of Amsterdam during the Holocaust and the uprising against Nazi occupation.

Van Gogh Museum

The Vincent Van Gogh Museum chronicles the life and work of the mentally unstable German artist who spent some time living in Holland perfecting his expressionist style before he committed suicide in France at the age of 37.  The museum houses over 200 paintings and 600 drawings, the largest collection of Van Gogh’s work in the world (noticeably absent is his severed ear).

Rijksmuseum

The Dutch National Museum features an extensive collection of artwork from Dutch artists such as Rembrandt (his most famous work on display is “The Night Watch”) and Vermeer, as well as craftwork and artifacts from Dutch history.  The museum is housed in the largest and most elaborate building in Museumplein, a museum square that also features the Van Gogh Museum, the Stedelijk Museum (a modern art museum), the Diamond Museum (an exhibition of diamond jewelry), and the Concertgebouw (regarded as one of the finest concert halls in the world).

Heineken Experience

This is basically one long advertisement for Heineken, but if you love beer, you’ll probably love the Heineken Experience.  The tour charts the history of the company and walks you through the brewery, and, yes, you get to drink a few samples along the way.  There’s also an interactive exhibit that gives you the perspective of actually being brewed (you feel heat and get sprayed with water and bubbles) as well as a couple of rooms designed like nightclubs, including the elaborate World Bar, which features panoramic views of major cities around the world on giant video screens.

Rembrandt House

From 1639 to 1658, Rembrandt lived and worked in this 4-story house in Amsterdam.  But don’t expect to see a huge collection of works on display here; instead, this is a place to learn about him.  The Rembrandt House is a recreation of what Rembrandt’s house used to look like before he went bankrupt.  It also features a step-by-step demonstration on how to create etchings and paintings.

Jordaan

This kitschy neighborhood in the center of Amsterdam is packed with art galleries, specialty shops, designer clothing stores and unique restaurants in buildings that surround inner courtyards.  Jordaan is also home to the Noordermarkt, a square that features a popular market every Monday and a farmer’s market every Saturday.

Vondelpark

Amsterdam is already a relaxed city, but Vondelpark takes relaxation to a hedonistic level.  It’s got everything you’d expect from a 120-acre park: trees, hills, ponds, benches, plenty of places to picnic.  It also contains the Netherlands Film Museum, a free open air theater, several bars and restaurants, and even a few noteworthy statues, including one by Picasso called “The Fish.”  But what characterizes this park as uniquely Amsterdam is the open use of drugs and people having sex in the park.  Although sexual activity is discouraged, it still takes place in the not-so-secluded bushes.  But, hey, at least the wafting marijuana smoke will make your picnic lunch taste better.

Bloemenmarkt

Located on the Singel canal, the Bloemenmarkt is the world’s only floating flower market.  There are 15 shops that sell souvenirs as well as seeds and bulbs of every kind of flower imaginable, most notably Holland’s world famous tulips (you can also find cannabis).  But check your country’s regulations before bringing home any bulbs; most countries don’t allow agricultural imports (and don’t even think about trying to sneak cannabis home).

Dam Square

The hub of central Amsterdam is the popular Dam Square.  The square is enveloped by great sights such as the Royal Palace (a 17th-century neoclassical marvel that used to be a town hall and now serves as an event center for the Dutch Royal Family), the National Monument (a memorial to the victims of WWII), and the Nieuwe Kerk (a 15th-century Gothic church that frequently hosts exhibitions and organ recitals).

There’s also the overpriced and overrated Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum and the upscale department store De Bijenkork (meaning “The Beehive”).

Canal Cruise

The canals of Amsterdam are best appreciated by boat and there are tons of companies that will take you on a tour of Amsterdam from the water.  Amsterdam is a small city that’s easy to navigate, but it’s still best to take a canal cruise early in your trip to understand the city’s landscape and individual neighborhoods, and to gain an appreciation for the intuitive city planning and well-preserved architecture.  Choose a company here.

Kalverstraat

This is the most popular shopping street in Amsterdam.  Kalverstraat is a long, winding, well-trafficked street lined with brand name stores and boutiques (don’t be surprised if you see the same store twice).  It’s also home to the Amsterdam History Museum.

If you have time, check out Amsterdam’s other interesting sights, such as the ING House (the headquarters of the ING Group is stationed in a giant structure that looks like a floating, futuristic shoe), the Jewish Historical Museum (the entrance fee also includes a free audio tour), the Museum of Bags and Purses, and the NEMO science center (located directly next to the Netherlands Maritime Museum).

You can also sample one of 200 varieties of beer in Cafe Gollem, shed your inhibitions in the highly rated Sauna Deco, pay homage to our feline friends at a cat museum called KattenKabinet or dance the night away in one of Amsterdam’s largest and most popular nightclubs, Escape.

Prague Castle is the largest ancient castle in the world.  Since the 9th century, it has been home to kings, emperors and presidents.  Now tourists can wander this fortified town and experience Czech history first hand.  Here’s what to see in Prague Castle…

Passing through the Castle Gates sets the tone for a trip back into the tumultuous past of the Czech Republic (formerly Czechoslovakia).  The gate displays statues of the Fighting Giants, with one man about to shank some guy prison style, the other man about to bludgeon some poor shmuck Sammy Sosa style.

Matthias Gateway, built in 1614, leads into the main courtyard where there’s a fountain and… well, that’s about it.  We did catch people surveying the top bank of windows in hopes that the President might be taking a coffee break to stare out the window.

The Picture Gallery of Prague Castle is a small museum that would display many more paintings had the Swedes not looted most of Rudolph II’s collection in 1648.

The most exciting site in Prague Castle is also its largest and most famous: St. Vitus Cathedral.  Not only is this the biggest and most well-regarded church in the country, it’s also one of the best examples of Gothic architecture in the world.  The bronze doors, twin spires, flying buttresses, intricate statuary, stained glass windows, soaring gargoyles, tall portals, the massive rose window, the mosaic of The Last Judgment above the Golden Portal — the exterior is remarkable.  It’s easy to grasp the immense scale of the cathedral when standing in the courtyard, looking at it tower over the castle walls.

The richly decorated interior features the colorful St. Wenceslas Chapel (unfortunately off-limits to the public, but you can look in from the doorway), the tomb of St. John of Nepomuk (the most famous saint of Czech origin), the Royal Crypt, St. Vitus’ remains, and an 18th century organ.  The Czech Crown Jewels are also kept in a vault in the cathedral, but they only go on display during special occasions.

Just outside the cathedral is a monolith dedicated to the memory of the victims of World War I.  This courtyard also provides entry to the Royal Palace and Vladislav Hall, which contains an extensive and exhausting museum dedicated to historical artifacts and essay-length writings about the history of the castle.

Across the way is St. George’s Basilica, a church that once competed with St. Vitus Cathedral.  Today it is part of the collection of the National Museum, hosting an exhibition of Bohemian Baroque artwork.

Golden Lane is a street worthy of the clichéd term “picturesque.”  It’s a small street lined with colorful shops and restaurants.  For centuries it was home to the lower-class citizens and craftsmen who lived in the castle complex.

On the far side of the castle is the Lobkowicz Palace, another part of the National Museum.  It displays historical Czech artifacts such as jewelry, sculptures and weapons.  Across the way is the second largest toy museum in the world.

Last stop is the frightening Dalibor Tower, a cold stone dungeon that continues to display torture devices.  The tower was named after the first person to be imprisoned here.  Dalibor was sentenced to death for harboring outlaws and was lowered into a dark cavern through a hole in the floor.  Legend has it he learned to play the violin while imprisoned, and citizens sympathetic to his plight came to listen to his music and threw food down the hole.

Just outside the Dalibor Tower is a great courtyard with a fantastic view of Prague.

Visiting the Prague Castle can easily take an entire day, especially if you see all the smaller sights like the Ludwig Wing (an assembly room for former governors), the Chamber of the Imperial Court, Old Diet (not a soda, rather an elaborate chamber for political and religious officials), Burgrave’s Palace (cultural exhibitions for children) and the Powder Tower (a former home to a famous bell maker, then laboratory for alchemists, then gunpowder storage facility and now an exhibit).  Just remember to wear comfortable shoes and prepare weeks beforehand on a Stairmaster for those steep, gravel paths.

Here’s the official site of the Prague Castle.

The Czech National Museum in Prague displays about 14 million objects from the fields of art, history, botany and everything in between.  There are departments dedicated to mineralogy, zoology, archeology and every other word you can think of that ends with “-ology” (besides the gross ones).  But the most attractive feature isn’t inside the museum… it’s the museum itself.

This grandiose neo-Renaissance building that dominates Wenceslas Square was completed in 1890 and has survived despite numerous bouts with danger.  When the Soviets invaded Prague in 1968, they confused the National Gallery for a government building and barraged it with bullets; you can still see some of the shell marks today.

The real architectural star is the grand staircase in the opulent main hall.  The skylight casts a soft glow over the cream-colored stairs, accentuating the marbled pillars and the dark busts on the top floor.

Another architectural marvel is the two-story Pantheon, which contains the busts of some of the most important figures in Czech history.  We’re no experts on Czech history (we’re barely experts on American history), so we had no clue who these people were, but that doesn’t take away from the Pantheon’s immense scope and beauty.  The elaborate ceiling features numerous frescoes and amazing stucco work.  And there’s a phenomenal view of Wenceslas Square from the second floor.

The museum’s vast collections seem impressive, but the informational cards are only in the Czech language.  And because we had no context, we wandered through the rooms quickly.  “Oh, look, bones.”  “Oh, look, a truck load of rocks.”  “Oh, look, a scary amount of stuffed and mounted animals.”  (The National Museum must have like 20 taxidermists employed full time.)  The most exciting thing was seeing the bones of a Wooly Mammoth.

When we visited, there was a temporary exhibition dedicated to Czech history (fortunately in English).  It contained everything from old military uniforms to traditional outfits to mock-ups of turn of the century classrooms and bars.  The most interesting feature was drawings for proposed designs of the Czech flag.

And since we’re hockey buffs, we reveled in the small exhibition dedicated to the origins and history of hockey in the Czech Republic, including a display of medals won in various World Championships and Olympics.

Here’s the official website.