You were about to book a flight when you saw our list of The Top 10 Movie Flights That Will Make You Fear Flying and realized that a lot of things can go wrong while flying.  Then you found out the ocean was full of killer creatures and pirates and rogue waves thanks to our list of The Top 10 Movie Boat Trips That Will Keep You On Land.

So now you’re considering a road trip instead.  Bad idea.

Sure, the road may seem like a great place to reconnect with family or friends, enjoy the freedom of the open road, and explore new places… but it’s not.

It’s a haven for hitchhiking murderers, ravenous creatures, and familial breakdown… and that’s before you ever leave city limits.  Just imagine how bad it gets once you’re hundreds of miles away from a police station.

So before you plan a summer road trip, consider the consequences as evidenced by the top 10 movie road trips that went horribly wrong…

From Dusk Till Dawn

The open road is like the Old West, full of unsavory characters, ruthless outlaws, and whore houses (which today are called motels).  In From Dusk till Dawn, a naive father stops at a motel (despite having his own RV) with his two kids… only to get kidnapped by two outlaws who force them to Mexico (also home to unsavory characters, outlaws and whore houses).  As if their luck couldn’t get any worse, the outlaws take the family to a strip club… which happen to be run by vampires.  And you thought you only had to worry about potholes.

The Hills Have Eyes

Here’s a tip: If you’re going on a road trip — and judging by this list, you shouldn’t — buy a navigation system.  That way you’ll never have to ask locals for directions.  We should all know by now that locals are NOT to be trusted.  But the family on an RV trip in The Hills Have Eyes stupidly took “the shortcut” recommended by a local.  Shortcut means shortcut to death.  Everyone knows that the shortcut is an unpaved road that leads to an old nuclear test site where mutated freaks feast on humans.  The important lesson here is that if we ever survive a nuclear attack, we’ll inexplicably become cannibals.

The Hitcher

Highways are like the underground railroad for criminals.  So it’s safe to assume that the only thing a hitchhiker is carrying in his sack tied to the end of a stick is knives.  That’s exactly the case in The Hitcher, where a guy picks up a hitchhiker only to discover that he’s on a murderous rampage.  Since when has a hitchhiker NOT been a killer?  Logic should indicate that if a disgruntled looking dude doesn’t have his own means of transportation, he’s just waiting for the opportunity to kill you and steal your car.

Jeepers Creepers

It would be pretty easy to spot a ravenous creature in a major city.  That’s why they take refuge in podunk towns in the middle of no where: it’s easy to prey on people where everyone is too drunk to realize they are being eaten alive.  In the case of Jeepers Creepers, that podunk town is somewhere in Florida where a flying monster rises every 23rd spring to feast on humans for 23 days.  Unfortunately for Justin Long and his sister, they happen to be driving through his neck of the woods during feeding time.

Joy Ride

Never mess with truckers.  Sure, it was fun when you were a kid and you signaled for truck drivers to honk their horn.  But then you grew up and realized that those truck drivers are actually just perverts or killers, probably both.  Well, most of us did; but not pretty boy Paul Walker.  In Joy Ride, he thinks it would be funny to pretend to be a slut over CB radio and lure a horny trucker to a roadside motel for some action.  But when the trucker finds out it was a trick, his raging sex drive makes him go crazy enough to track down the pranksters and kill ‘em.

You can buy any of these movies by clicking on the titles below and a small portion of the proceeds will go toward keeping this blog going…

Kalifornia

Some people take a road trips to visit national parks.  Other people prefer to visit famous murder sites.  That’s what David Duchovny does in Kalifornia as he conducts research for a new book he’s writing about serial killers.  Call the irony police, because it just so happens that the guy he’s sharing a ride with is ALSO a serial killer.  What are the odds!?  At least it’ll make great material for his book.

Little Miss Sunshine

If it’s not serial killers or flying monsters or kidnappers you have to worry about, it’s your own family.  In Little Miss Sunshine, a dysfunctional family has two days to travel 800 miles to their daughter’s beauty pageant.  Along the way, tensions grow, arguments ensue, personal setbacks take place, a family member dies and their yellow Volkswagen Bus nearly breaks down.  The question begging to be asked here is: are there actually any hippie wagons still on the road that don’t have psychedelic flowers painted on ‘em?

National Lampoon’s Vacation

Road trips are a breeding ground for problems.  In National Lampoon’s Vacation, the Griswolds’ journey from Chicago to L.A. is marred by stolen car parts, a visit to the wife’s trailer trash family, a tragic encounter with a dog, a dead family member, a car crash, swindlers, and getting lost in the desert.  When they finally make it to their destination, a theme park called Walley World… it’s closed.  Really, though, that was probably the best possible outcome, because if you’ve ever been to a Disney theme park, you know it’s also a breeding ground for problems.  And those problems usually result in divorce.

Road Trip

College kids always have this romanticized view of hitting the open road with their friends and a good road trip play list, but as Road Trip shows us, the road to self-discovery and lost virginity is a bumpy one.  The movie is about a guy who accidentally sends his girlfriend a tape of him having sex with a different woman, so he and his friends go on a quest to intercept the tape before she sees it.  Along the way their car blows up after jumping a bridge, they steal a bus from a blind woman and they eat food defiled by a chef at a diner.  Stay in school and save yourself the turmoil.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Another roadtrip lesson learned the hardway: always bring spare gas.  In The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a group of unprepared teens run low on gas in the middle of nowhere.  So they stop at a house ask for help.  Turns out the house is home to a deranged family that’s been killing people and using their bones for furniture (disturbing yet inventive).  Judging by all the sequels, people still haven’t learned their lesson.  I know gas prices are ridiculous, but I’d just pay extra for a spare tank of gas than be brutally murdered by Leatherface.

What movies have scared you away from going on a road trip?