Buenos Aires turned out to be much different than we expected.  And because we weren’t fully prepared, things wound up being more complicated and took a little longer than they should have.  We don’t want you to get caught off guard by this exciting but sometimes confusing city, so we’ve come up with a list of things that every tourist should know before visiting Buenos Aires…

It’s Not English Friendly

Buenos Aires isn’t English-friendly.  Not only do the majority of residents not speak a word of English, they speak their language to you as if you know everything they’re saying.  They generally don’t make an effort to speak slower or use hand gestures or work with you to try and understand what they’re talking about — they just talk as fast as normal.  Buenos Aires is one of those cities where you can’t even get by on a few simple phrases; you have to have a cursory knowledge of Spanish just to make it through the day.  They seem to understand what you’re saying in English, they just don’t cater to you.

Argentines Speak Castilian

Argentines speak a slightly different version of Spanish called Castilian.  The Spanish word for “you” is “tú,” but in Castilian it’s “vos.”  Double-L’s sound like a “y” in Spanish, but in Argentina they sounds like a “j.”  So the word for chicken is pronounced poi-joh instead of poi-yo.  The Italian influence on the Castilian language is most noticeable in how people say goodbye; instead of “adios,” Argentines say “ciao.”

Malos Aires

You know how Disneyland is called “The Happiest Place On Earth,” but really it’s a breeding ground for arguments and whining and familial implosion and all that is unhappy?   Well, Buenos Aires suffers from a similar case of false advertising.  “Buenos Aires” means “good air” but there’s nothing good about it.  It’s smoggy and dirty, and the heavily polluted waters emanate a stinky trashcan smell that lingers in the air, especially in warm weather.

Crazy Drivers

Driving tests in Buenos Aires should also include a sanity check because those drivers are crazy — so crazy it deserves an underline and a bold.  Most intersections off the main avenues don’t have traffic lights, resulting in frequent “my life flashed before my eyes” moments.  You’re familiar with the 4-way stop at intersections, right?  Well, Buenos Aires is home to the “0-way stop”.  Pedestrians are viewed as pylons, like minor inconveniences that must be honked at, dodged at high speeds and possibly even plowed over if someone is in a rush.  Drivers create their own lanes, often turning a 5-lane road into an 8- or 9-lane racetrack.  If there’s room, motorcyclists weave their way through cars like a game of Pac-Man; if there’s no room, they use the sidewalk.  The only rule of the road is “hurry up and wait”: hit the gas just to close the tiny gap between you and the car in front of you… then slam the brakes and sit in traffic.  Drivers honk even when there’s nothing to honk at, as if it was a social activity.

Get Used To A Late Schedule

Everything is on a later schedule in Buenos Aires.  Long lunch breaks start after 1 p.m., and dinner begins around 9 or 10 p.m.  Restaurants and dance clubs often stay open until dawn. The entire city runs on a lackadaisically flexible schedule where nothing happens on time.  If a tourist attraction lists its opening hour at noon, it might not open until 1 p.m.  If someone says they’ll meet you for dinner at 11 p.m., they’ll meet you at midnight.  Delays are not just accepted in Buenos Aires, they’re encouraged.

Stray Animals Are Everywhere

Stray dogs in Buenos Aires are intelligent; they loiter around popular tourist spots in an effort to be noticed, often sleeping on monuments, mixing in with crowds of people, and barking near food stalls.  Stray cats, on the other hand, are too snotty to care about attention — they want comfort.  You’ll often find stray cats sunbathing in parks, sleeping on grass, and playing in bushes.

Watch Out For Dog Poop

For some reason, Argentina has yet to be utilize the cutting edge technology of the doggie walk bag, which is a high-tech device called a “plastic bag” that enables a dog-walker to swiftly scoop up poop and throw it away.  The result is sidewalks littered with dog poop.  Hence, you risk missing the beautiful architecture of Buenos Aires because you’ll be staring at the pavement on the lookout for landmines.

Rocky Walkways

Buenos Aires is not a walking city.  The streets should come with a warning sign you see before getting on a roller coaster: “no one nursing, pregnant or with a history of back or neck problems should attempt this ride; unexpected drops and turbulence ahead.”  The sidewalks are crackling and crumbling, the roads are filled with potholes and debris, and every street is a twisted ankle waiting to happen.

Daily Protests

There’s always something to complain about in Buenos Aires, and porteños make it a point to complain as loudly and as often as possible.  Multiple protests take place every day in the city, often shutting down streets near Congreso, Casa Rosada and the Obelisk.  More often than not, protests are peaceful, but riot place are always on guard just in case things get out of control.

Cash Only

Argentina suffered a financial collapse in 2001 that devalued the peso and made the once expensive city cheap to foreigners.  But the credit card ogres didn’t compromise and lower their often exorbitant processing and transaction fees.  In response, many stores and restaurants, even high-end ones, abandoned their credit card swipers and went cash only.

Keep Your Passport Handy

Whether it’s a bank or a casa de cambio (money exchange house), you’ll need your passport to exchange money.  (These facilities close at 3 p.m. during the week and aren’t open on the weekend, so you’ll have to stand in a long line weekday mornings.  They’re also very particular about the money they accept, so don’t give the tellers ripped bills or bills with markings.)  Some tourist spots also require you to check-in using your passport, and any kind of interaction with the police or government will require you to have your passport for identification purposes.

You Will Get Ripped Off

You may not get mugged at knife-point (though your odds increase dramatically in La Boca), but there are more than enough shady characters who rip off tourists in covert fashion.  A store may suddenly jack up its prices.  A vendor might stiff you on your change.  A taxi meter may run faster than normal.  If you don’t speak their language, there’s not a lot you can do to combat it.  Expect it to happen a couple times, but don’t get too worked up about it – the exchange rate is in your favor.