The Jetpacker

We’ve been to Vegas plenty of times, but we usually avoid downtown.

That’s because we’ve always heard it was the place where crack whores go to die in back alleys; where hillbillies go to play penny slots and walk away thinking they’re rich because they won two bucks; where tourists get knifed for their fanny-packs filled with disposable cameras and 100 SPF sunscreen; where old people who think The Strip is too noisy with all those fancy record players hit the AARP-discounted buffet by 4 and the sack by 5.

Little did we know, we’ve been missing a lot of cool stuff in downtown Las Vegas… even if all of what we just said is true.

So this time, instead of staying in a hotel on The Strip, we stayed downtown at the Golden Nugget.  Shockingly, it turned out to be just as expensive as a new hotel on The Strip.

Fortunately, you get what you pay for.  The hotel was renovated a few years back and it looks every bit as stylish as a hotel on The Strip.  The only way we could tell we were downtown was because there wasn’t a frat guy passed out on the floor.  Actually, there wasn’t anyone in the 21 – 35 age range (they were contracting STDs on The Strip — and not always through sexual contact).

Even the lobby is super classy.  I say this chandelier looks like a treble musical note.  Jackie says otherwise.  Help me win this argument.

The room was really nice, but the hallways gave off a red light district vibe.

The Golden Nugget is popular for three reasons:

#1.  It’s the least ghetto hotel downtown.

#2.  Everyone comes to see The Hand of Faith.  It’s the world’s largest gold nugget on display, and the second largest gold nugget ever found.  Unlike that place in Florida with piss poor security, this piece of gold is very well guarded, so don’t try anything when you’re drunk off free drinks.

#3.  The pool.  It’s not nearly as big as the pools on The Strip, and it definitely doesn’t bring in the sexy people — think older, fatter, harrier — but it does have something the fancy hotels on The Strip don’t have: a water slide that goes right through a shark tank.  Word of warning: don’t expect to see any sharks when you pass through the tunnel; the slide goes unexpectedly fast and you pass through the tank before you can even tell where you are.

The great thing about staying at the Golden Nugget is that The Fremont Street Experience is right outside.  If you’ve ever seen pictures of the New Year’s celebration in Vegas, you know what this is.  The Fremont Street Experience is a four-block long LED canopy that covers Fremont Street’s pedestrian walkway — the same place where for some stupid reason they’re trying to ban hula hoops.  It’s the world’s largest audio-video system, and it offers free shows every hour.

The coolest show we saw was a tribute to The Doors, complete with psychedelic imagery and terrified children in the crowd.

When the show isn’t going on, ladies wearing skimpy outfits that clearly weren’t designed for their body type try to lure people into small casinos and strip clubs with free beads.  Whether it’s because people are mortified at the amount of saggy skin drooping over the outfits or beads just don’t have the power they once did, either way those casinos are usually empty.

But we were lured by the desire for artery-clogging foods at a dump called Mermaids.  By the way, this was the temperature at 10 o’clock at night.

This small casino has a Nathan’s where you can get a deep fried Twinkie or 3 deep fried Oreo’s for a buck each.  We had always wanted to try ‘em, but never wanted to pay the ridiculous prices at the fair just to bring us one bite closer to a heart attack.

We’re a little ashamed admitting this, but they were really damn good.

Downtown isn’t very big, so you can’t really walk off the calories.  But you can wander around and see some other cool stuff.

At the end of Fremont, there’s The Neon Museum, an outdoor gallery that features 10 refurbished neon signs, with the coolest being Aladdin’s Lamp.  It used to be located inside The Aladdin before the hotel was converted into Planet Hollywood Las Vegas.

Ironically, you’ll get a little taste of Planet Hollywood at the other end of Fremont.  Not long ago, PH opened The Pleasure Pit, where hot female dealers wear skimpy outfits as other girls pole dance to loud music.  Now the Golden Gate hotel is doing the same thing downtown, except it’s much less sexier and much more awkward.

At first we thought hotels started doing this to bring in more customers.  Now we realize that they do it to distract gamblers who spend more time watching the dancing ladies and less time making the right decisions in blackjack.  You’re not supposed to hit on 20, jack ass.

Last time we were in Vegas, we found a tapas restaurant we really liked called Firely.  We were stoked to find out that they had a second location downtown… but not stoked to find out where it was exactly: The Plaza.

If you’ve seen Back To The Future II, you’re familiar with The Plaza.  We’re pretty sure you have to be at least 70 years old to stay here.  I mean, the place smells like formaldehyde.

You know a hotel isn’t high class when the “nice cars” that the valet parks in the show off zone are Acuras and Kias.  The only cars you’ll find in the prime spots at a place like Wynn are Ferraris and Lambos.  A Kia just doesn’t ooze wealth.

The one thing saving The Plaza from demolition is Firefly.  The coolest part about this location is that it’s inside a glass dome that overlooks Fremont Street.

Just a block from The Plaza is a surprisingly cool hotel and casino called Main Street Station.  They definitely know that their clientele is the gray hairs: the place is decorated in antiques.  And we know how old people love old stuff.

But some of the antiques are really fascinating.  The thing to do is grab a brochure from the lobby and go on a scavenger hunt.  The casino is literally covered with history.  Our favorite sights were the gold doors to the former Kuwait Royal Bank…

…the chandeliers from the old Coca Cola Building in Austin, Texas…

…and, the real attraction: a piece of the Berlin Wall, located inside the men’s bathroom.

Take the walkway that connects Main Street Station with the California hotel and you’ll see the Golden Arm Wall of Fame.

Anyone who rolls the dice for at least one full hour at the craps table gets immortalized with a plaque on the wall.  Do it twice and you get platinum status.

The Golden Arm Wall of Fame was created after a guy rolled 118 times before crapping out in 1989.  His 3 hour, 6 minute roll is said to be the longest in history (but really, who keeps track?).

Maybe he was able to roll that long because he touched the lucky Buddha inside the California.

Notice how the paint has been stripped off his belly. That’s partially our fault too.  We took more than our fair share of luck.  But, hey, it worked.  We each turned $40 into almost $200 at the craps table.

On the way out of town, we passed by this reflective silver building with unusual architecture.

We looked into it later and found that the weird building is the Lou Ruvo Center for Brain Health, and it was designed by Frank Gehry, the same guy who designed the world famous Walt Disney Concert Hall in L.A. and the Dancing Building in Prague.

We’re still not sure if you can go into this place, but there’s a Museum of the Mind inside.  Check this place out.

The building is near the Las Vegas Premium Outlets and across from the World Market Center, which are a series of oddly designed buildings — one in particular is 16 stories and has almost no windows — that serve as the largest wholesale furniture showroom in the U.S.  Too bad you can’t get in unless you’re in the industry.

The only thing we didn’t check out was Binion’s hotel, where you can pose for a photo with $1 million and check out some poker memorabilia.  Binion’s used to be where the World Series of Poker took place, but when the game exploded, it was moved to a bigger and newer venue: the Rio.

We saw some cool stuff, won a little money and, hey, we didn’t get mugged!  So overall, our downtown Vegas experience was pretty good.  But we won’t lie: we still prefer The Strip.  Maybe we’ll change our mind when we’re 70.